My MIL's family tries to guilt my DH every time something minor goes wrong with my mil at the MC facility. Example 1: She pulled her clothes off and they found her in her room that way by herself. This is something that can happen in a moment of confusion. Example 2: One of the MC patients had her sweater on, and the sister recognized it. She called and complained about that. I explained to him that this is what patients do. They never wanted him to place her but want to complain every time they see something. All they do is go and visit to call each other to talk about what they feel like the facility is doing wrong and or what we are not correcting them on. I think they do an excellent job with taking care of her. Even her medical team says the same. She is doing good medically except for the dementia. She is always laughing and dancing and have adjusted over the year that she has been in the facility. I know that it is not ideal, but he has recently been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and now going to see about thyroid issues. I have medical problems and we are no longer able to help her in that capacity. I am already worried about him. They don't even know that he is on leave for his health and has become depressed behind his mother's diagnosis. I really need to speak to a therapist myself because all of this is too much. Them calling and adding to his stress is making me want to give them a few choice words but then I may have to disclose what is going on with him and he is very private. Anyway, I am sick of them and them not trying to understand the disease of dementia and trying to guilt my husband.
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My opinion is that your husband needs to tell them of his health issues and turn those responsibilities over to another sibling. As long as he continues to conceal things, the worse it will be for him healthwise, and the more agitated the sibs will become because he isn't doing all that he used to do.
So, bottom line for me, he needs to tell them about his heart failure and relinquish responsibility to them.
Don’t answer every call. Let it go to voicemail .
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My experience: my brother did not like that my daddy could not sign for anything anymore and the day before my daddy signed everything over to me, my brother had my daddy sign a car back to him. I was not happy. I went to him and told him this is the last time you do anything behind my back. He called me everything in the book and did not talk to me for the rest of his life. That just too bad. I loved my brother I just didn't like what he did. I just Thank God that it was just a car that my daddy signed for and my brother did not realize that my daddy did not understand what he was signing. All that to say -- you will be hated for what you do as long as you know it is the correct thing to do. Sometimes you just have to block them, walk away from them and just show them the backside of you. Another example: when my uncle died friends and family came to me because I am in the business. Well, I let it be known I was doing and buying what I thought was needed not wanted and if anyone did not like it they were to talk to me not to the next of kin - which was my mother who was sickly at the time. And when I showed up at a funeral on my mothers side of the family 20 years later -- wow did I get the cold shoulder!! I laugh and shrug at the experience but that is what it is. Hugs for you very hard to please everyone - know you are doing right!
I honestly can't respond to it almost, at this point.
You are witnessing grief. Grief over grievous losses. Not guilt. Guilt needs PURPOSEFUL wrongdoing to even be a word in all this.
As far as people trying to guilt others? Laugh at them. Ignore them. And on you go. Picking up their negative energy is EXACTLY what they want.
You cannot control what others think. That is on THEM. That is THEIR problem. Don't you have enough problems as it is without picking up on what they are "thinking" from some crystal ball?
Create fun times together. Watch Shogun.
Perhaps filter out your in-laws on your phone and your husband's.
You can check the in-laws' voice mails once a day. Or, not.
If the facility has an emergency, they will contact you.
No need for you to listen to all this stress-making garbage.
Set yourselves free. ◡̈
I feel your pain---when I don't know why someone is being jerk to me, or acting oddly, I always wonder what's going on in their lives to make them act as they do.
Perhaps if DH's sibs knew a little of what he's going through--would they brush it off or would they be supportive? Something to think about.
Parents age out--and it can be so hard and seemingly such an endless slide.
My DH's mother died 2 weeks ago today. His moods have been all over the place. Right now, I am simply going along with the mood swings and anger. In time, he is going to have to face the 'feelings'. Would your husband accept counseling?
I have found that my inlaw family is not my family. They have made me feel like I'm standing outside the circle and am not allowed in. I really was stupid as a 19 yo child to think that I could get them to come around and to not dislike me. 49 years and counting and it's never been 'fine'. I have NEVER stood up to them, really.
If you cannot apprise the sibs about DH's health, then all you can do is get help for yourself and support DH. Block the sibs from talking to you--and maybe DH should cut back on talking to them too.
If your MIL is thriving in the ALF, then you're way ahead of the game. She's safe, she's cared for and you aren't doing the hands on care.
Tell the sibs to call the facility if they have issues.
Good Luck--and do seek some help for yourself. It is very cathartic to have someone to talk to who isn't involved and won't judge you!
My guess is after about 2 weeks they will all be crawling back to your DH begging for him to take over again. At that point you can laugh in their faces for 10 minutes before slamming the door on them.