I am 55. I have three siblings. I’ve lived in Atlanta for the past 30 years. My two older brothers are practically handcuffed to my mother. And she has a say in all the relationships. Every time I’ve come home she’s welcome me wit loving arms treating me almost like a favorite son. I can make her laugh in an instant she loved when I came home. This time however for the first time, she says cruel things very cruel things, mini times related to my trauma in October when I lost my fiancé, my home my job pretty much everything. I’ve never been in a personal struggle like this before. I’m heartbroken, sad, scared, and back in October. She said well come home. You will get love here. Well I was reluctant, but kind of didn’t have a choice. I’ve been out of my child at home and I’m alone since 23. She painted a very beautiful picture. So I agreed and was grateful. It’s been anything but love since I’ve gotten here instead it’s been hell. One week after I arrived she said I had no reason to be upset about losing everything I had, and told me to just get over it already. That alone was so unlike her I was shocked. Co She’s extremely paranoid. Example: I was talking to her today in the living room, and she said shush whisper I don’t want the neighbors to hear. On the floor And there’s about six deadbolts on every door in the house and we live in a good neighborhood. She’s accused me of seeking drugs, hiding drugs, smoking stuff in the basement 2:30 in the morning, she’s told me to go to hell many times to shut up many times she’s accuse me of trying to hit her which is outrageous. And I mean like as extreme as you can get outrageous. Never done that to anybody. Hell I’ve never even been in a fight with a man. I’m not a hitter. Never have been. And it comes out of nowhere. She is 24 seven negative on a scale I can’t even describe. I have a bird. She’s threaten to kill it three times. If she ever gets the chance. What specifically bothers me tonight: first of all, I’ve been completely sober for 13 years. No way am I doing drugs are seeking them. Not even an urge. If I walk around the block for exercise when I get in, she’s staring me down and asked me if I got my drugs. The stuff she accuses me of is absolutely untrue. Could lead me in some serious trouble. So it’s kind of dangerous territory. I’m always asking how I can help her and she refuses to let me help her. That’s not normal. And she lies. She absolutely lies. My mother has never lied. Not that I know of. I’m in shock and what really upsets me is I’ve reached out to mother siblings and told them things that are going on and they say “well you know you moved in so it’s kind of a change of routine for her and she’s probably just dealing with that.” I disagree. I’m seeing some very strange behavior, and what I said, only is the tip of the iceberg. And I told them. And they blow it off. And these are people that helped her a lot. They apparently think I’m just overacting. And I tell them look, I’m not venting necessarily, my goal, my one goal, is to simply get my 86-year-old mother to a doctor and get her mind checked out. They won’t do it. I guess they don’t believe me. Even if there were no symptoms what the hell is wrong with having an 86 year old mom go to a doctor and get that checked out? It boggles my mind. And it hurts. if the things that she is doing and saying is simply because of a routine change, well, I don’t know, I just don’t buy it. They come over to visit but they’re usually gone by 9 o’clock or so. I am here all night. I see it I witness it. So either what I’m seeing is reality, or I myself am wildly, mentally insane, living in a disturbed state and dimension and hallucinating like crazy. I assure you that’s not the case at all. I simply want her to get checked. But they don’t want to believe these things are happening and they tell me they haven’t seen it. Well they’re not here all night. She is 180° different than than the mother I’ve known for 50+ years.
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'Vilifying' one adult child and making them the scapegoat and the target they take their abuse out on is very common with elderly people who do not have dementia. The paranoid behavior and the lying are sure indicators of it here. It will not get better. It will get worse.
Wait until the confabulation begins along with the accusations of you stealing and physically abusing her. The party hasn't even started yet for you, my friend.
Let me tell you something and this comes from 25 years of experience as a homecare worker. Much of the time family members know exactly what's going on but they deny it if there's an adult family member living with the elder. They will deny that there's dementia and a need for caregiving. They will also try to gaslight the person living with the elder. Their speaking up about the reality of the elder's situation may result in them being expected to help. So they deny, minimize the seriousness of it, and gaslight the person living with the senior.
If you are in recovery from addiction, it is guaranteed that you will relapse and become active in your addiction again if you remain in the toxic environment you are in now. Guaranteed to WILL relapse.
Get away from your mother now. Take the advice you have been given here and get out while she is still able to do some things for herself. It will be easier this way. It will be easier to make plans for her like homecare or even facility placement. If you stay it will all be on you.
I'm so sure you have heard these wise words:
Change that which you can change. Accept what you cannot and have the wisdom to know the difference.
You can change your life and get recovery from addiction. You cannot change your mother's paranoid dementia or what your family thinks or does.
You need to leave her house ASAP. You have had a rough time recently, and this on top of it is really damaging. You are 55 and employable (even if not in the job you would like). Get a job and move out. Leave town if you have to, or stay around if there are other local supports besides your mother. But focus on your own life for now.
When you are in better shape, talk some more to your brothers about how to approach your mother. You don’t have to take the responsibility, certainly not right now, and it may quite possibly annoy your brothers if you move into town and immediately say that you can see things they have missed. If she is down the track to dementia, it will probably be easier to see in a while.
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"There are two people with problems here, you and your mother. Dealing with yourself is the first priority. After that you can help your mother, if possible."
I agree with her absolutely, and with her advice.
You are a growup now. It is time to take responsibility for your choices to stay with or around people who are abusive. No one can choose another way for yourself but you.
Doctor Laura (sorry, I love her; we both can go for "mean" right along with your mom) says that we ALL HAVE grief, sorrow, problems, difficult relationships. Some of us just choose to "marinate in them" more than others.
So you are grown now. Fly from the nest. Make friends. Do things. Have a good life.
As to Mom? In the words of the title to the old Gene Tierney/Cornel Wilde film, Leave Her To Heaven.
Call your sponsor. Seek out a job. Are you sure your mom was a loving person or are you seeing people through a different lense now that you are sober.
I was manipulated into taking care of my younger sister until I had her placed.
I was estranged from my family for almost twenty five years with maybe an occasional visit here and there. I was left out of family picnics, family gatherings, weddings and etc.
My Al-Anon sponsor told me to stop visiting and that I did not need the validation of my father. That didn't stop me from seeking validation from others until I learned that I didn't need it from anyone. I needed to learn how to validate myself and stand on my own.
In all due honesty, I am scared as hell. The more I write about this, the better I feel because of these beautiful people on this forum and all of their loving support.
Right now, I don't have a real job and seeking to sign up for unemployment until I can get some further training to land a decent paying job. The job I have right now is scraping the bottom of the barrel for me with the low pay that also comes with the disrespect and nastiness of dealing with horrible clients. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. However, I must take responsibility in chosing this mess for myself probably done out of panic and desperation. I know deep down in my soul that I deserve better than this. I do believe this is God's way of moving me on, and this gig has probably served its purpose.
I made a decent salary before and I can make it again with God's help.
Check with your employment services in your area. There is free training. Please make your meetings. I'm sixty-six and I'm not giving up. As we say in our program of Al-Anon, I'm a friend of Lois,.
God bless you and I know you'll rise to the top. I learned the same thing in Al-Anon about how to stop seeking validation from other people. I too was the family scapegoat and emotional dumping ground starting in early childhood. I fell back on some old leared behaviors a few years ago when I got down and moved back with my mother. I got lower than I'd ever been in my life for a few years. No way was that going to be my life.
I commend you for working three jobs and financially supporting your mother as well as being her caregiver. My mother wouldn't get a cent from me. If she can't survive financially or needs more care at some point, she's going into whatever facility accepts Medicaid.
I’m really sorry that you are going through all of this.
Returning home has allowed you to see that your mom’s behavior has changed drastically.
How long has your mom been behaving so differently? When was the last time that you and your siblings spent a substantial amount of time with her? No one noticed any changes in her behavior before now?
Mom is in her 80’s. Dementia could be a reason for her odd behavior. Does she go to the doctor on a regular basis? UTIs also cause strange behavior in the elderly.
You could call 911 and have her taken to the hospital if you feel that she is at risk of harming herself or others.
I am sorry that your siblings aren’t listening to you.
By the way, congratulations on staying clean and sober.
I had addiction in my family. My oldest brother struggled for years with substance abuse. He would get clean for a while, but he struggled to maintain being in recovery.
Sadly, my brother died many years ago from liver failure. He was a great guy when he was clean. I wish that he could have beat the demons that he had been fighting in his life.
I will end by saying that I would hate to see you lose your sobriety due to this stressful situation. Know your limitations as to what you can handle.
Please see if you can find another place to stay for a while until you can rebuild your life. Wishing you peace.
Take care.
DO NOT allow yourself to be put in the position of being her long-term 24/7 caregiver. You need to work on your recovery, not trying to give a noncompliant mom baths and change her diapers. And believe me, that's what it will come to. Start right away looking for a place where you can go.
Let all the other chips fall where they may, and good luck in finding the perfect home for you.
Addicts in recovery are in vulnerable positions during stressful situations.
Wishing you all the best.
Did the UTI install all the locks on the doors? Does the UTI give the mother a break from symptoms of dementia so she can showtime when company is around?
No. It does not. The OP needs to get the hell away from that situation as fast as possible.
In the meantime, stay out of her way and when there is nasty words thrown at you, ask her WHY she's treating you like this? See what she says. Sundowning happens in the afternoons for elders with dementia. They get agitated and restless where it can become tough to calm them down. Do you notice mom acting ugly later on in the day?
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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