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RunningOnFumes Asked March 3, 2024

Telling mom about dad’s death.

My parents have been divorced for 50 years, and have lived 2000 miles apart ever since (Mom’s choice, leaving my then 12-yr-old sister behind with Dad). My mother (89yrs old, with dementia) has NEVER ceased to be bitter and hostile towards him. Dad, 90, remarried happily decades ago, was a sturdy, hale old man until a few months ago, when a sudden cascade of liver, gallbladder, and cardiac issues knocked him flat. He went into hospice care three weeks ago, and died - peacefully, at home, with pets and family at his side - two days ago. When dad first fell ill, my sister told mom of it, and she said “well, that’s not fair when it’s me who wants to die.” I spent a week with Dad after his hospital stay, and mom’s acid response was “would have been nice if anyone had come to help me when I was sick.” I drove 2000 miles twice to help her during her illness, and my brother flew in from abroad twice as well. Well, now Dad is gone. We are grieving, and no one wants to tell mom. We simply do not want to hear whatever nasty, spiteful thing she is likely to say. Any thoughts on how we should / can convey the news, and how to cope if it gets ugly? Dad had a great life and a good death; it wasn’t unexpected, and we are mostly okay, but are just dreading dealing with her in the midst of our own sorrow…

JoAnn29 Mar 3, 2024
I would not say anything unless she asks.

AlvaDeer Mar 3, 2024
All this constant bitterness over all this long time and you are not used to it?
Really?

Tell your mother that her ex is gone, and be done with it. When she starts simply LEAVE THE ROOM. Do that every time she starts her litanies of woe, and tell her you aren't interested in hearing it, that you loved and admired your dad and have a right to grieve him.

I don't get what you are afraid of at all here.

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Fawnby Mar 3, 2024
Mom might need to know. She may qualify for a bump up based on his social security earnings if her SS retirement benefit is less than his. Were they married at least ten years? That could do it. Call the SS Administration, be armed with dad’s SS#, and they’ll instruct you about filing. It isn’t automatic.
waytomisery Mar 3, 2024
The mother has dementia . Hopefully she named a POA who could take care notifying SS for the mother to receive the SS bump up .
Grandma1954 Mar 3, 2024
I see no reason to say anything to her.
She divorced him, she has no ties to him (other than you and siblings)
If she does ask about him you can honestly say "I have not talked to him recently" and leave it at that.
RunningOnFumes Mar 3, 2024
Actually, he was the one who initiated the divorce after years of unhappiness; she just was the one to move across the country to get away. But ever since, she behaves and speaks as though the separation occurred last week. And her dementia has torn down the filters…
waytomisery Mar 3, 2024
Don’t tell her . If Mom asks anything just say something vague like “ he’s comfortable “. And change the subject .
If Mom is persistent , you can say “ it’s not your concern.”

MeDolly Mar 3, 2024
No reason to, they divorced years ago and went their separate ways. If she ever asks, tell her, if not, forget about it, serves no purpose.

Geaton777 Mar 3, 2024
It's none of her business, especially since she left him. She is an awful person. We don't get to choose our relatives but we do get to choose whether we interact with them and what the boundaries are. Don't tell her. What would be the point?

BarbBrooklyn Mar 3, 2024
Is there a reason to tell her?
RunningOnFumes Mar 3, 2024
She knows he was seriously ill, and asked “is he going to die?” So we’re sure she will ask at some point, and none of us wants to lie. She sometimes goes off into tears, saying, “oh, but I loved him so much once,” and “he’s the father of my children,” etc. She very much resents that we kids all maintained an affectionate relationship with him, while our own relationships with her have been deeply fraught with periods of estrangement. We are all coping with Dad’s death reasonably well, but dread managing her reaction…

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