I hope you were able to talk to Social Worker at hospital to find a suitable rehab..then possibly lead to long term. Caring for one parent is hard and for you it’s a double whammy. I am not sure if it’s your choice to care for them both at home by yourself or you don’t believe there’s any other option. Take advantage of this hospital stay and get mother into rehab. Tell Social Worker it would be an unsafe discharge because you have nobody to help at home & your father is also unwell. Take one step a a time. I can tell you one thing is that you’re 50 now..but do you see yourself in same situation..& your parents will decline further…at 55 years old? At 60 years old..? & if you’re pretty healthy now..do you think you still will have no health problems then after years of caregiving? I can’t imagine caring for 2 all alone..The only way your situation changes is if you get the ball rolling. Good luck & be strong! Stick your guns. Don’t ask your mother..tell her this is how it will be. Since you can’t do it all yourself. You’ll also need to get POA and health proxy..so see an elder law attorney soon…Hugs 🤗
I read your profile and the problem is when your parents say jump you ask how high. Your needy, selfish, narcissistic, abusive, stubborn parents aren't going to change. So you have to. You decide where the line gets drawn, not your parents.
I did homecare work for 25 years and have told countless senior brats like your mother (yes, a senior brat is a real thing. Like a child brat only old) who thought they knew better than everyone and believed being stubborn would get them their own way.
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
Tell your mother this. Then tell her doctor and the hospital that she has no care at home and will be an unsafe discharge if they don't force her into rehab. Also, do not tolerate ANY kind of abuse and this includes verbal abuse and gaslighting. When your mother starts up even slightly you tell her plainly that you will not tolerate disrespect or abuse from her. Then walk away. If you're on the phone with her and she starts, you hang up. Then ignore her for a while. If she refuses to treat you with decency and respect, refuse to have anything to do with her.
Your parents much like my mother sound like the kind of people who refused to make any arrangements for their own old age and the care needs that come with it. They like my mother assumed that you would be their old age care plan.
Nope.
So here's the choices you offer. Mom goes into rehab until it's safe for her to be home then homecare aides start coming to their house that they pay for not you, and these people will be meeting their care needs. You will not be.
If they refuse and you get the won't "allow" anyone but you to do for them act, that is when you take a big step back and do absolutely nothing for them.
You will have to let them fail and with no guilt on your mind. Hopefully nothing too serious will happen but if it does NONE of it will be your fault. In fact, you'll be doing them a favor.
When you stop catering to the asinine stubborness and abusive neediness of your parents their sense of self-preservation will prevail. They will be reasonable about outside help coming in and they will be glad of it if the alternative to it is a nursing home
They both need a little tough love from you. So give them some and you'll be doing everyone a favor.
Happibunni, that is understandable, it isn't easy for someone older to be comfortable going from the hospital into staying in rehab. A lot depends on the person. I recall when my Dad had a heart attack, he needed rehab after his hospital say. He was willing to go and stay there for two weeks, but my Mom was against it.
So Dad returned to the house he and Mom shared, and Mom insisted she could care for him, and help with rehab. Mind you, my parents were in their mid 90's. The hospital had physical therapy come to their house. That did not work out at all. Dad would forget to do his exercises between house calls. And Mom would just glare daggers at the Therapist if it was a young woman, which made the Therapist so uncomfortable.
My Dad had to sleep in his recliner and Mom slept on the sofa, as Dad was unable to walk upstairs as his legs were so weak. He would fall numerous times daily, thus my hubby had to go over to their house, sometimes hours later if he was at work. Eventually, Dad got stronger but it took months.
Next time Dad was in the hospital for surgery, it was recommend he go to rehab. My Mom agreed even though she didn't like being home alone at night. Dad recovered very quickly. But everyone is different about being away from home.
From your profile: "I am a 50 year old, single young woman caring for two parents. I am a licensed aesthetician who owns her own business (that is currently being put on hold right now). I am a very positive, vivacious, fun, energetic and empathetic soul. I have the burden of caring for two feeble, sick and disabled parents. My mother has borderline personality disorder, COPD, and a slew of other health problems. She is a TRUE narcissist and is abusive to me, mentally, physically, verbally, and emotionally. My father has Parkinson’s disease and is wasting away before my eyes. He is a kind and loving man, that is just very unwell. I am alone trying to navigate all of this. My parents are both selfish unfortunately and are expecting me to do everything and juggle caring for them both. It’s just too much and that is why I joined this site. Hopefully I can find the MUCH NEEDED support I need to keep me sane."
You describe TWO selfish and abusive people who you have chosen to take on responsibility for. I only hope this doesn't mean that you have moved in with them, or they with you. Because that would constitute a bed you made that will be quite awful to sleep in. How much rehab can help your mother, given she is already dealing with severe COPD, and now this is listed under "heart problems", I am not certain. But I would make it clear if she goes home in an unsafe manner, which this is, she is on her own. Give her the phone numbers to EMS and 911 that any senior WITHOUT CHILDREN in their area (I at 81 have a daughter several states away) would have to avail themselves of.
To be honest I don't deal with abusive people. It is a real choice in life. I feel I have one life. I don't give up my time to people who are not cooperative in their own care, pleasant to be around, and etc. That's a personal grown-up choice of mine. Others may choose differently but it's important to know that it IS a choice.
I wish you good luck. I would be setting down some groundwork and rules here, or I would go quickly non-participatory.
"I am a 50 year old, single young woman caring for two parents. I am a licensed aesthetician who owns her own business (that is currently being put on hold right now). I am a very positive, vivacious, fun, energetic and empathetic soul. I have the burden of caring for two feeble, sick and disabled parents. My mother has borderline personality disorder, COPD, and a slew of other health problems. She is a TRUE narcissist and is abusive to me, mentally, physically, verbally, and emotionally. My father has Parkinson’s disease and is wasting away before my eyes. He is a kind and loving man, that is just very unwell. I am alone trying to navigate all of this. My parents are both selfish unfortunately and are expecting me to do everything and juggle caring for them both. It’s just too much and that is why I joined this site."
You cannot hope for or expect your parents to change how they are. You are the one in control as long as you are willing to do what it takes to recover your life. If you burn out, your parents won't get any help from you, anyway. So do what it takes to make your life a priority.
When I was a teen in a summer swim camp taking lifesaving lessons, we were taught to grab a struggling, panicked drowning swimmer *by the hair* and pull them along to safety at arm's length. This is because if they got the chance, they'd cling on to you and then you'd both drown. Keep this visual in your mind. Is the thought of pulling someone by the hair pleasant or heroic? No, but it saves both people and that is the goal.
You can help your parents without being their in-home, hands-on solution. They won't like it but they are clueless to the disaster they are setting up.
Do you live together? If yes, then move out. Find a way. This is a critical step.
Put strict boundaries around when you help them (ie, not during your working hours).
Call social services for their county to see if they qualify for in-home service. Have a conversation with a social worker to get them on APS's radar. Make sure they know you are not their caregiver and cannot be.
If you are not the PoA for either parent, you won't be able to their legal representative. The county will eventually need to come in to acquire guardianship and the manage all their medical and financial care.
Are they immigrants? Do they speak English well enough? Is this a barrier for them? Immigrants (like in my own family) culturally expect female family members to be their care plan. You will have to actively choose to change this for your own good.
Keep coming back to this forum with your questions so you can get the best, realistic guidance on how to rescue yourself.
Make sure to tell the discharge planners that you aren't available to assist mom at home. (Many elders have been known to say "oh, my daughter lives with me, she will be my caregiver". Make sure you tell them the real state of affairs).
Do NOT pick her up from the hospital. Make it clear to mother, other family and SW that you are not stepping in to provide care.
If your mother can not care for herself at home , you can tell the hospital it is an “unsafe discharge “ to let Mom go home . Use those words . You tell the hospital you have a business and can not be with her all day .
According to your profile , you are putting your business on hold because your parents expect you to do everything . Have you told them that you can not ? Doing everything for them is propping up a false independence . They will not accept hired help in the home or go live in assisted living so long as you are being their solution . Back off , let them fail .
Keep coming back here for more suggestions as things unfold . Do not move in with your parents . Do go back to your business. Tell your parents they need to hire help or go in a facility because you have support yourself , you have a business to run . If they refuse to let others care for them besides you , back off and if needed you call APS , or their County Area of Aging .
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I did homecare work for 25 years and have told countless senior brats like your mother (yes, a senior brat is a real thing. Like a child brat only old) who thought they knew better than everyone and believed being stubborn would get them their own way.
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
Tell your mother this. Then tell her doctor and the hospital that she has no care at home and will be an unsafe discharge if they don't force her into rehab. Also, do not tolerate ANY kind of abuse and this includes verbal abuse and gaslighting. When your mother starts up even slightly you tell her plainly that you will not tolerate disrespect or abuse from her. Then walk away. If you're on the phone with her and she starts, you hang up. Then ignore her for a while. If she refuses to treat you with decency and respect, refuse to have anything to do with her.
Your parents much like my mother sound like the kind of people who refused to make any arrangements for their own old age and the care needs that come with it. They like my mother assumed that you would be their old age care plan.
Nope.
So here's the choices you offer. Mom goes into rehab until it's safe for her to be home then homecare aides start coming to their house that they pay for not you, and these people will be meeting their care needs. You will not be.
If they refuse and you get the won't "allow" anyone but you to do for them act, that is when you take a big step back and do absolutely nothing for them.
You will have to let them fail and with no guilt on your mind. Hopefully nothing too serious will happen but if it does NONE of it will be your fault. In fact, you'll be doing them a favor.
When you stop catering to the asinine stubborness and abusive neediness of your parents their sense of self-preservation will prevail. They will be reasonable about outside help coming in and they will be glad of it if the alternative to it is a nursing home
They both need a little tough love from you. So give them some and you'll be doing everyone a favor.
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So Dad returned to the house he and Mom shared, and Mom insisted she could care for him, and help with rehab. Mind you, my parents were in their mid 90's. The hospital had physical therapy come to their house. That did not work out at all. Dad would forget to do his exercises between house calls. And Mom would just glare daggers at the Therapist if it was a young woman, which made the Therapist so uncomfortable.
My Dad had to sleep in his recliner and Mom slept on the sofa, as Dad was unable to walk upstairs as his legs were so weak. He would fall numerous times daily, thus my hubby had to go over to their house, sometimes hours later if he was at work. Eventually, Dad got stronger but it took months.
Next time Dad was in the hospital for surgery, it was recommend he go to rehab. My Mom agreed even though she didn't like being home alone at night. Dad recovered very quickly. But everyone is different about being away from home.
"I am a 50 year old, single young woman caring for two parents. I am a licensed aesthetician who owns her own business (that is currently being put on hold right now). I am a very positive, vivacious, fun, energetic and empathetic soul. I have the burden of caring for two feeble, sick and disabled parents. My mother has borderline personality disorder, COPD, and a slew of other health problems. She is a TRUE narcissist and is abusive to me, mentally, physically, verbally, and emotionally. My father has Parkinson’s disease and is wasting away before my eyes. He is a kind and loving man, that is just very unwell. I am alone trying to navigate all of this. My parents are both selfish unfortunately and are expecting me to do everything and juggle caring for them both. It’s just too much and that is why I joined this site. Hopefully I can find the MUCH NEEDED support I need to keep me sane."
You describe TWO selfish and abusive people who you have chosen to take on responsibility for. I only hope this doesn't mean that you have moved in with them, or they with you. Because that would constitute a bed you made that will be quite awful to sleep in.
How much rehab can help your mother, given she is already dealing with severe COPD, and now this is listed under "heart problems", I am not certain. But I would make it clear if she goes home in an unsafe manner, which this is, she is on her own. Give her the phone numbers to EMS and 911 that any senior WITHOUT CHILDREN in their area (I at 81 have a daughter several states away) would have to avail themselves of.
To be honest I don't deal with abusive people. It is a real choice in life. I feel I have one life. I don't give up my time to people who are not cooperative in their own care, pleasant to be around, and etc. That's a personal grown-up choice of mine. Others may choose differently but it's important to know that it IS a choice.
I wish you good luck. I would be setting down some groundwork and rules here, or I would go quickly non-participatory.
"I am a 50 year old, single young woman caring for two parents. I am a licensed aesthetician who owns her own business (that is currently being put on hold right now). I am a very positive, vivacious, fun, energetic and empathetic soul. I have the burden of caring for two feeble, sick and disabled parents. My mother has borderline personality disorder, COPD, and a slew of other health problems. She is a TRUE narcissist and is abusive to me, mentally, physically, verbally, and emotionally. My father has Parkinson’s disease and is wasting away before my eyes. He is a kind and loving man, that is just very unwell. I am alone trying to navigate all of this. My parents are both selfish unfortunately and are expecting me to do everything and juggle caring for them both. It’s just too much and that is why I joined this site."
You cannot hope for or expect your parents to change how they are. You are the one in control as long as you are willing to do what it takes to recover your life. If you burn out, your parents won't get any help from you, anyway. So do what it takes to make your life a priority.
When I was a teen in a summer swim camp taking lifesaving lessons, we were taught to grab a struggling, panicked drowning swimmer *by the hair* and pull them along to safety at arm's length. This is because if they got the chance, they'd cling on to you and then you'd both drown. Keep this visual in your mind. Is the thought of pulling someone by the hair pleasant or heroic? No, but it saves both people and that is the goal.
You can help your parents without being their in-home, hands-on solution. They won't like it but they are clueless to the disaster they are setting up.
Do you live together? If yes, then move out. Find a way. This is a critical step.
Put strict boundaries around when you help them (ie, not during your working hours).
Call social services for their county to see if they qualify for in-home service. Have a conversation with a social worker to get them on APS's radar. Make sure they know you are not their caregiver and cannot be.
If you are not the PoA for either parent, you won't be able to their legal representative. The county will eventually need to come in to acquire guardianship and the manage all their medical and financial care.
Are they immigrants? Do they speak English well enough? Is this a barrier for them? Immigrants (like in my own family) culturally expect female family members to be their care plan. You will have to actively choose to change this for your own good.
Keep coming back to this forum with your questions so you can get the best, realistic guidance on how to rescue yourself.
Do NOT pick her up from the hospital. Make it clear to mother, other family and SW that you are not stepping in to provide care.
What is your question ?
If your mother can not care for herself at home , you can tell the hospital it is an “unsafe discharge “ to let Mom go home . Use those words . You tell the hospital you have a business and can not be with her all day .
According to your profile , you are putting your business on hold because your parents expect you to do everything . Have you told them that you can not ?
Doing everything for them is propping up a false independence . They will not accept hired help in the home or go live in assisted living so long as you are being their solution . Back off , let them fail .
Keep coming back here for more suggestions as things unfold . Do not move in with your parents . Do go back to your business. Tell your parents they need to hire help or go in a facility because you have support yourself , you have a business to run .
If they refuse to let others care for them besides you , back off and if needed you call APS , or their County Area of Aging .