I live across the country, but planned to go for a visit soon in the next month to see how she how she is doing, organize some home care (laundry and meals), accompany her to Dr’s appt, perhaps make some other arrangements (will, POA, etc.). She is fuming about me coming to visit and does not want me there, says she is big enough and old enough to do it on her own! She ranted on and on about me to a friend who was visiting! I want to help the extended family and friends who are checking in and helping my mom out (they are very worried), but I don’t want to spent $2,000 on a plane ticket (which I can’t really afford) for her to be belligerent and not even let me in her apartment! Thoughts or suggestions? Her geriatrician says she needs some home care supports, which I reiterated to mom, but she is adamant that she wants no help beyond administering meds. Doctors have not deemed her incompetent or unable to stay in her home (supports are needed though).
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If you are thinking to try to act for a disagreeable, uncooperative, albeit demented elder I would caution you against attempting this.
I would not visit if I was not welcome.
I would report her to the APS and refer them to her MD and allow state to take guardianship if she is in unsafe conditions.
My advice for what it is worth. It may sound cold, but what you are attempting will prove utterly impossible, especially if she is uncooperative. Once taken up for a senior, it is very difficult to resign a POA without accusations of abandonment. Don't do this. Sorry, but just don't.
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You have to now remember that your moms brain is permanently broken and will never get better only worse, so you can't take what she is saying so personal.
I can only imagine that the extended family and friends(who you say are "very worried" about your mom)that are there, would love to have you come help them get your moms things in order whether she wants you to or not, as I'm sure they will be more than grateful for your input.
This journey with your mom won't be easy, but you're now going to have to step up and be the adult/parent in this situation. Someone has to, as your mom can no longer do that.
I pray that God will give you wisdom and discernment in this very tough situation.
It’s too late for your to get POA. That ship has sailed. Be grateful for it.