Sorry, I am back again. I just spent the better part of my evening driving my MIL with my wife around because she could not sleep. I ended up crying in my car afterwards. I want out of this. My wife still is struggling with the idea of placing her mother. We toured a bunch of places but the only places her and my MIL liked were the ones that were criminally overpriced, one placed wanted 12k a month.
I thought about divorce and spoke to attorneys it is cheaper to keep her. I just want to ghost. I am in a dark place, I feel trapped. Cannot really talk to people about this because I always get reminded remember your vows.
I did all I could to try and get my her placed, my wife refuses because she is doing well. Great she is but I am going f**king mad. Life is sick joke, it does not pay to be a good person because no one f**king cares about you.
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Well, then just leave(even if it's just temporary), and let your wife deal with her mother all by herself for a while, so she can get a more realistic taste of what it's really like.
As long as you continue to help prop your MIL up your wife won't ever see the need for her mother to be placed in a facility.
And as already said, the vows you said were to your wife, not to her mother.
And if your MIL is doing so well, why doesn't she just move into a small senior apartment, where your wife could check in on her several days a week if she so chooses, and leave you out of it? Why does she have to live with you just because she's Korean? Culture thing or not, if it's not working for all involved it's NOT working. Period.
So I guess it's time to be the man of the house and put your foot down as to what will and what will not be going on going forward.
It sounds like both women are dependent on you(financially and otherwise)so you really do have the upper hand here, if you decide to play it.
I hope you will, as your health is depending on it.
I cannot think of a faster way to make this situation worse than to meet inflexible and controlling behavior with inflexible and controlling behavior. Also it's not the 1950's..
I think initiating a separation and living in a men's shelter would be preferable to what you're doing now.
If you die of a heart attack, will wife be in a better place?
Part they are referring to is for better or for worse. We were close to getting her the voucher for provides 24 split shift care, but she was rejected due to her level of functionality. I have been called selfish because yes my wife was transparent with me when it came to her desire to take care of her family, but damn this sh*t is much harder than I thought it would be. Cannot travel, because she is worried about being far away from her mom. Not much of a vacation if we bring her mom along.
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Screw those people that say remember your vows. You didn't marry MIL.
Sounds like you need a vacation without wife and MIL so you can make some hard decisions.
How many more family members is your wife going to feel obligated to take care of down the road?
Divorce may be expensive but a better option than you dying from the stress. Your wife only seems to care about mom not you.
I wound up working for Home Instead for $8/hr (in 2002) and wiping elderly people's butts, having walkers thrown at me in rage, and being told my eggs weren't as good as those on the QEII ship. But I was FREE of the torturous life of luxury I was living with a mentally ill man and so were my children.
Who cares how much it may cost you to divorce? Have you actually seen a lawyer? See ANOTHER one if the first one had answers you didnt like. How much is FREEDOM worth?
Give your wife an ultimatum and a deadline. You have until June 1 to get mother placed or I'll file for divorce becuz I cannot and will not live this way any longer. Period.
And to HELL with what other people are telling you! Do what is right for YOU and stop being a doormat for HER.
One of your statements stands out. You wrote, "My wife has always been one of the most caring and loving people I know. She is the type of person that would give her last dollar to someone else in need because they need it more."
That's so sweet. It's clear that you love her. But I keep coming back to my first thought when I read it, which is that your wife is caring, loving, and giving. Clearly she's that way with her mother. But when she knows you are in distress and hurting, she isn't that way with you. You are in need now, you are suffering because of her actions, and she won't help YOU.
You seem like a treasure. I'll leave you with that thought.
Much cheaper, I am thinking, than 12,000 a month.
Then go there. Often.
Tell your wife you have reached your limitations, that you will not force her to place your mom but you will not also serve as chief cook and bottle-washer, driving them about like some sort of sad chauffeur. That you will often be gone; that she will have little help from you in this job she has chosen to take on.
When you need to retire to your own "room of one's own" then go there will a good book or a few movies to watch, go to the gym, go running in the park, take up photography or sculpture.
You have no perfect choices here. It is either leave or live with this. Life has so few perfect choices when you really look at it, right?
Trust me, I understand your anger. You probably feel duped. Unfortunately, this is a cutural thing that you will either accept or reject. It sounds like you've already made up your mind and need to create a feasible plan that works for you.
It is ok to give yourself some space. When things got bad with my FIL, I would absolutely have to take a break and step back and let DH handle things on his own. Then I would step back in and help when I was able to do so without clawing his eyes out. He was a true narcissist and dealing with him even on his best days was like dealing with a pissed off rattlesnake.
Your wife may be choosing to take care of her mother - but that doesn't mean that you have to help. I know that is counterintuitive to the vows you took, but your wife took vows with you too - and they were with EACH OTHER. I know there is a saying that you don't just marry the person, you marry the family. but her responsibility is to you and to the family that she is making with you.
She can take care of her mother without physically taking care of her mother. I know that your wife is under the misconception that she has a literal obligation to take care of her mother. But that's often something that is instilled in children from an early age and it's hard for people to break as adults. That's what happened to my husband and his sister. YOU don't have to add your own energy to that - you have no obligation and perhaps if you remove your attention and energy from the equation your wife will realize just how much work is actually involved in taking care of her mother on her own and realize that something else must be done.
At a bare minimum I might consider taking a few days to stay in a hotel and let her handle ALL of the MIL care and ALL of the other household things so that she gets a good idea of the realities. Sometimes a person needs to realize exactly what they are asking of their spouse and what the realities of the situation are to come to terms with the situation and make a sound decision.
I would pray first and ask for guidance, then I would set some boundaries with the wife. My suggestion is that you inform her ( don't ask) that you cannot do this running around with Mother-in-law dance anymore. Tell wife it is affecting your own health mentally and physically. Id tell her you no longer will be escorting them around or partaking in any of their activities any longer. She needs to get on board with you or swim. Then....follow through.
Ask her to go somewhere else while she figures it ll out. You should be number one in her life, and she should be number one in your life. I think what she is doing an abuse to YOU. I would also recommend you go talk to someone . Perhaps look for social services in your area to help guide you ? If she was unwilling to leave, then you leave and stay with a friend or whatever for a limited time. You call the shots here, not her, and let her know that and follow through.
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