I am a temporary care giver for my MIL while husband goes to work. I feel trapped.

Many people step in to help *temporarilty* & find that step was a doozy. A deep slide. Feel trapped.

It appears you & your husband have tossed around many ideas to find a solution. Maybe this temporary one was the best fit? Not easy, but maybe the *least worst*?

I pulled this idea out from a reply:
"Other option was 4 him 2 live with her @ her home during the wk & then bring her 2 our home on wkeds".

That sounds like a lot of to & fro. Hard on everyone.

I get that families differ. Make different decisions. I get values differ, cultural expectation too. I get funding varies a lot from place to place.

ThIs is what my neighbour did. When it was obvious one day that Mother could no longer live alone, when pop-in visits where not enough, she was taken to the hospital for 'confusion for investigation'. Went from there into a care home. They did not move in with Mother nor she with them.

Of course there probably was a more sudden change in congnition/behaviour to warrant that response. Plus it was known the Mother was declining suspected Alz) & that she now needed round the clock care.
24/7 care at home was not available, affordable or practical.

I would suggest if you are struggling now, before your husband returns, hire a private aide (if you can) to get some sort of break now.

When he returns, make the time to really discuss the future.

Why would they hire anyone if they’ve already got you to do for her?

It comes as a nasty shock to many people to realise that the assets their parents worked hard for, are NOT going to be inherited by their children. They are going to pay for their parents’ care. However once you accept this, it will help you to work out real possibilities. While you are looking for a solution that doesn’t exist (like 'an aide placement to help her in her own home'), you won’t be able to ‘shut your mind off’.

PS Do you realise that 'an aide placement in her own home' means three full time jobs of 8 hour daily shifts during the week, and 6 extra shifts on the weekend? Millionaires only!

You say, "Don’t want 2 pay 4 an aid if we don’t have 2."

Obviously, you have to. Actually, MIL has to.

The end.

You have to establish some boundaries with how much you're willing to provide to your MIL and hold fast to them.

Many of us here were actually trapped in caregiving situations and would have been homeless because we literally had nowhere to go.

You are not trapped in your caregiving situation with your MIL. You aren't dependent on her for housing or support. So that means YOU are the one who decides the terms on how you will help her.

I don't know if you have a set schedule of when you go to her home and how long you spend with her.
If you don't have set times and days with her, you get some today.

For example:

Monday-Wednesday-Friday you are with your MIL from 9am to 12pm.

This means that's all she gets from you. Anything else will be taken care of by someone else. This means you do not take her phone calls. You are not the one who handles her "emergencies" (actual or fabricated). Someone else does.

You set some terms today. If anyone has anything to say about it and if there's any complaining, make it plain to everyone that you won't do a damn thing for her. Any criticizing complainers can take over her care if they have something to say.

It may be that your MIL will have to placed in residential care. Live-in care is not free. Medicare or Medicaid does not pay for it.
If she's got money her choices are pay it to live-in caregivers or to a nursing home/memory care facility.

Whatever you do, don't move her into your home and don't move to he place. Your lives will be ruined if you do.

Yes its Medicaid you probably are applying to. Be aware though, that shevwill not get 24/7 care. Medicaid will only supply an aide for a few hours a day. When Dementia is present the person should never be alone.

Your MIL will get worse. She will needv24/7 care. If she has no money for an AL, then she will need to be placed in a nice LTC facility with Medicaid paying. Or you sell her house house and use the proceeds for a nice AL.

No, your husband should not quit his job. You just need to find options.

I see lots of people say they don’t want to pay for care. I understand; my parents the same. But if money is there—any at all—use it. Hire a companion—doesn’t have to be a skilled nurse. They are around $30 an hour. Many places don’t require contracts.

This is what her money is for. Dementia is HARD. I know. “Looking after her” does not capture what you are doing.

Perhaps find an AL placement advocate and start the process. They will lead you through. So will many NHs. There are people who know the topes.

You keep referencing that you are awaiting in-home aid approval from Medicare, however Medicare doesn't cover this... I think you mean Medicaid.

Getting an aide in her home should take 1 or 2 days. Call several agencies. Sign contracts. They will send someone out to her.

You mention your husband has peace of mind now his mother is in your home while he works.
However YOU DON'T.
This isn't your mother.
I don't see how this is in any way fair.
I am sorry you made this decision, as once having brought her into your home you have more or less painted yourself in a corner.

I would tell my husband that either his mother goes into placement within the next 6 months, or you will be leaving, and she will be in his care alone.
I have my limitations. Only you an decide what yours are.

Acknowledge and feel your feelings because they are valid. You are trapped. And this is how many caregivers end up in an untenable situation, where a supposed temp situation turns long term.

WHY are you giving care for your MIL? How old is she and what is her issue? Can you tell us more? Thanks. And HUGS

When I was 18, just graduated hs and for the summer while waiting for college to start I took on a caregiving assignment. My mother was working in a nursing home at the time. She told me just go outside for a few minutes and breath the fresh air then go back inside and start again.
You can also call for caregivers to help you. Payment would be out of her money and the rates - depend where you are at. Not easy - know that I have prayed for you and your situation. Blessings

I don’t think that you should ignore your feelings. You are stressed out and who can blame you?

Instead have an honest conversation with your husband by telling him that you no longer want to be his mom’s caregiver.

If that doesn’t work, plan a trip on your own. Allow him to see exactly what you are going through.

He will either take off work for a week while you’re away or he will hire an agency to stay with his mom. Either way, he will gain a more realistic view of what you’re going through.

Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area to get a needs assessment for your MIL? They can help guide you through this process.

Start looking at facilities that your MIL could live in. Then your husband can be his mother’s advocate and oversee her care in a facility.

Wishing you and your family all the best.