Mother-in-law is 75 years old. Vascular dementia from prior history of stroke, but also losing memory quickly these days. Lives with my wife and me. We also have a 10 year old daughter. History of diabetes, gout, heart disease, arthritis, lethargy, sleeps daily 14 hours+, incontinence (bladder and fecal). Foreign language speaker, limited ability at this point to communicate in English. We've tried bringing in a physical therapist and speech therapist to help with mobility and memory. Insurance lapsed due to lack of progress. Condition is worse now that she doesn't have anyone working with her. I've tried to get her to be more active and offered games/puzzles, but she has no interest. Content to watch iPad all day and then sleep. Would like her to do some exercise (what she can muster), but she refuses all activities. She can only do the most basic of ASL's, brushing teeth, bathing, eating. Can use the restroom but also will pee and/or poop in her diaper. I have to spend majority of my day working (my wife also works full time) and then be a parent at home to 10 year old daughter. So I also have limited time /energy to devote to mother in law.
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I think one of the most serious problems for caregivers is that they move from being wives, sisters, daughter, DILs to being social organizers, nurse care managers, chauffeurs, cooks, nurse aids, chief cooks and bottle washers. They lose their relationship completely and become the one "at blame" for everything, and responsible for the happiness of another (when DID life become all about "happy?").
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She's your MIL, not your mom, so that also makes it hard.
Would she consider the local Sr Center? A couple days a week? My mom loved that!
An aid a couple days a week to take her out of the house would also be good. Don't you and your wife be her 'everything'--you'll go crazy.
If she is totally unwilling to make any efforts to be up and about, then you either give up trying and live with what you have going on and accept it or you look into placing her in a place that can provide the hands on care she needs.
It sounds simple, and it kind of is. It's impossible to change anyone who doesn't wish to be changed.
Do you not think that if someone with dementia could change their lives to make it better that they would? Of course they would.
However sadly they have no control over what their brain is able to control and what it can't. It's heartbreaking.
I'm not sure why some folks don't understand that and talk like the demented person has all the control when in reality they have none.
Her condition is getting worse, not because she's not staying active but because that is what all folks with dementia do...get worse, never better.
Vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of just 5 years, so of course she's gotten much worse. And of course she can't do any games or puzzles as she can no longer figure out how to do them.
Her brain is now permanently broken and she will never be the person that you want her to be. You have to now meet her where she is at, and accept her where she's at, and just let her enjoy whatever time she may have left. And if that means just sleeping, sitting on the couch and watching her iPad, well...so be it.
If you live in one of the few states where Medicaid covers some custodial care in a facility (AL or MC) then do apply for her (if she meets the citizenship criteria).
If not, then your only other option is to have her income (SS, and hopefully she has something coming in monthly) pay for an in-home aid for however many hours a day you think helps. In my state the facility workers recently had a 24-hour "strike" demanding that starting pay begin at $25 p/hr.
You can look into Adult Day Care but if she isn't social at all and can't be due to language barrier, this won't bring her out of her shell but it will get her out of your house (with effort transporting her). Consider privately hiring an aid who speaks her native language.
For my very elderly (but busy) 100-yr old Aunt with adv dementia, we gave her "tasks" like folding a basket of kitchen towels, sorting plastic utensils, sorting colored poker chips, matching and pairing socks, etc. We also had her use a table-top "pedaling" machine to exercise her arms and legs (while she watched tv). Your 10-yr old can "play games" with her as long as your daughter is flexible about the rules, or she can color with her (they make adult coloring books), MIL can read aloud to your daughter or visa versa, and maybe help wash/chop veggies for food prep. There are other ideas to keep her busy but someone like her has a very short attention span and needs oversight.