If at all possible, do not leave your employment. I read many years ago in Forbes that if one quits to take care of a love one, it can cost over time $325,000 in lost wages, etc
Depending on your employment, you would lose not only salary, but also benefits, such as health insurance... vacation paid days... sick paid days... matching 401k... stock options... paid education.
One time I asked my parents if they needed someone to come in to be a caregiver would they want someone who is a senior citizen themselves... someone who has zero training to be a caregiver... someone who didn't like to cook.... someone who didn't like to drive... someone who couldn't lift them if they fell? My parent's answer was "no". Then I said "that caregiver I described was me".
This means you cannot be a caregiver at home, then. You simply CANNOT. You will need to tell your loved one in need of care that you cannot quit your job.
I cannot tell you how many come to us having moved into their parent's home to do care, quit their job, and then end up with the parent gone, their home gone to clawback from Medicaid, and the caregiver with no home, no job, no job history. We send them the SHELTERS so they can get minimum wage job and try to save for a room, for working up in job, for a small efficiency apartment.
You simply cannot do what you cannot do. Your loved one must find a way to go into care. If they have assets their assets will be spent on their care. If they do not they will apply to Medicaid.
I am sorry. There is just no way to do what cannot be done.
I’m sorry for the situation you’re in with your mother and know how overwhelming it can feel as I’ve been there with both parents. Please do not quit your job. These are your prime earning years and it’s vital that you guard your wellbeing and future. No one should want or expect you to sacrifice that. Provide the care you’re able to realistically do while still working and let your mother or others figure out the rest. Others will be along to give more guidance
Do not quit your job! Instead of having one big problem you will now have two.
Look into all your options. You may not LIKE them but you being the caregiver is OFF THE TABLE.
Why are you considering this? Does the family member refuse outside help? Because they are in no condition to refuse anything. This is not your problem to solve.
What is the family member in need doing to resolve this situation? Are they insisting you quit, or did you just volunteer because no other solution was mentioned? My father would announce he had a problem then look at me expectantly for a solution that required absolutely no effort on his part. After a while I learned to throw the ball back in his court and ask him what HE planned on doing about it.
Help them find a solution but don't be the solution.
People always think they can be the best CG's for their LO's.
Sometimes, but not often, is that truly the case.
We tend to let our LO's run all over us b/c we feel guilty, or depressed about their health and think we can make it all be OK, somehow.
IMHO, paying for some in home care is better than trying to do it all yourself. You need to plan for your future, so don't quit working!
Mom should qualify for some kind of in home care--you don't say how much care she actually requires. Obviously, on this site, most people are going to encourage you to have mom placed in a facility that can provide 24/7 care and you can be the 'add-on' help, if you so choose.
If that is unacceptable to you, then look into PT in home care and what to expect. You don't give a lot of information. What kind of care does mom need at this point? What exactly does she NEED as opposed to what kind of care YOU want her to have.
Who else in involved in this scenario? I only ask b/c my SIL took it upon herself to be the 'one and only' in her mother's decline--until she could no longer sustain the care level. My post on that is long and boring, but isn't all that unusual. Family tried to do it all--to the end that they all 3 crashed and burned--in a flaming mess. My DH retired early to help out and now that his mother is gone--he seems to have no interest in doing anything. So, quitting your job is not a good idea---I wish DH had stayed working PT. He's bored and depressed. He was bored and depressed the whole year he had to 'help' care for MIL.
The day the kids moved her into ALF, they all said the same thing: "We should have done this years ago!"
SIL, who carried the lion's share, is just now beginning to see the light at the end of a long tunnel. She is also depressed and struggling.
While FT in home caring can work, it does come at an emotional cost. And often a physical one, too, as the LO declines and requires more and more care.
Please come back and offer up more information. That will help.
don't quit your job. You need to preserve your income and benefits. Who will care for you when you are 70, 80, 90 more? If family member can manage on their own for several hours per day, overnight, let them. Have sandwiches in the fridge and make the home environment as easy and simple as possible. Get rid of clutter, put every bill on autopay, and don't be stonewalled by resistant elders. Just do it. Ask for all the free help you can. Neighbors, friends, the elusive (often) family. Whatever help they will commit to, take it. Don't be afraid to ask specific requests and tell them the details of your situation. Please consider helping us with : Do the grocery shopping weekly. Go to home store for air filters. transportation to Dr. Appts. Take care of the lawn weekly, monthly, be specific. Clean the bathrooms and kitchen and floors with X cleaner once a week. put the trash and recycling bins out weekly. general organization of closets and paperwork, weekly. Come sit for a few hours while they sleep and you get time away. They do laundry and fold and put away while sitting. Make a meal once a week that is appropriate for the ones in care. You tell them what that is. The real stuff. Not cakes and cookies and flowers, and games. Get additional help from caregivers as much as possible. Get on hospice if they will accept for the help they can provide. do not be bullied by an elder or sick person who just wants you and won't cooperate with coordination of care. If that's the case, step back and away as soon as possible . Agencies can provide quality care but it can take time to find the right Caregivers. Private care is good. Look for local referrals. Read obits. Call local senior center for referrals to caregivers. Also, local hospice often has a list of caregivers. Call and ask. As far as affording caring for family at home, with paid caregivers. It is expensive. If you can easily cover some hours while they are sleeping and have few needs and it doesn't interfere with your job or sleep, do it. Personally, I need to protect my nights and sleep time. You will learn the ins and outs of agencies and private care. There is a steep learning curve, in my experience, but learn everything you can from others who have gone before to save yourself the pain. Ask. The more current the better. This forum is filled with good experience and real world advice.
Missyf: I empathize with you about finding a balance between taking care of your mother and quitting your job. I am so sorry that your mother has cancer. Do not quit your job as you are young and you will need your Social Security benefits for your retirement.
Please check with your state/county office to see what benefits your mother can get such as Medicaid or if she can get Social Security disability benefits. If your state has the PACE program, you can apply for this and they will provide care for your mother while she is living at home. If your mother qualifies for Medicaid, PACE will be 100% free for her and they will take her to all of her appointments and provide the care for her. To be in the PACE program, your mother’s residence must be in the area that they cover. If your mother gets on the PACE program, they will take care of her during the day and you can work during those times and be home in the evening when PACE brings her back home.
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Depending on your employment, you would lose not only salary, but also benefits, such as health insurance... vacation paid days... sick paid days... matching 401k... stock options... paid education.
One time I asked my parents if they needed someone to come in to be a caregiver would they want someone who is a senior citizen themselves... someone who has zero training to be a caregiver... someone who didn't like to cook.... someone who didn't like to drive... someone who couldn't lift them if they fell? My parent's answer was "no". Then I said "that caregiver I described was me".
You will need to tell your loved one in need of care that you cannot quit your job.
I cannot tell you how many come to us having moved into their parent's home to do care, quit their job, and then end up with the parent gone, their home gone to clawback from Medicaid, and the caregiver with no home, no job, no job history. We send them the SHELTERS so they can get minimum wage job and try to save for a room, for working up in job, for a small efficiency apartment.
You simply cannot do what you cannot do.
Your loved one must find a way to go into care. If they have assets their assets will be spent on their care. If they do not they will apply to Medicaid.
I am sorry.
There is just no way to do what cannot be done.
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Do not quit your job, it is the worst thing that you can do, giving up your future for someone else is a huge mistake that most never recover from.
Look into all your options. You may not LIKE them but you being the caregiver is OFF THE TABLE.
Why are you considering this? Does the family member refuse outside help? Because they are in no condition to refuse anything. This is not your problem to solve.
What is the family member in need doing to resolve this situation? Are they insisting you quit, or did you just volunteer because no other solution was mentioned? My father would announce he had a problem then look at me expectantly for a solution that required absolutely no effort on his part. After a while I learned to throw the ball back in his court and ask him what HE planned on doing about it.
Help them find a solution but don't be the solution.
Sometimes, but not often, is that truly the case.
We tend to let our LO's run all over us b/c we feel guilty, or depressed about their health and think we can make it all be OK, somehow.
IMHO, paying for some in home care is better than trying to do it all yourself. You need to plan for your future, so don't quit working!
Mom should qualify for some kind of in home care--you don't say how much care she actually requires. Obviously, on this site, most people are going to encourage you to have mom placed in a facility that can provide 24/7 care and you can be the 'add-on' help, if you so choose.
If that is unacceptable to you, then look into PT in home care and what to expect. You don't give a lot of information. What kind of care does mom need at this point? What exactly does she NEED as opposed to what kind of care YOU want her to have.
Who else in involved in this scenario? I only ask b/c my SIL took it upon herself to be the 'one and only' in her mother's decline--until she could no longer sustain the care level. My post on that is long and boring, but isn't all that unusual. Family tried to do it all--to the end that they all 3 crashed and burned--in a flaming mess. My DH retired early to help out and now that his mother is gone--he seems to have no interest in doing anything. So, quitting your job is not a good idea---I wish DH had stayed working PT. He's bored and depressed. He was bored and depressed the whole year he had to 'help' care for MIL.
The day the kids moved her into ALF, they all said the same thing: "We should have done this years ago!"
SIL, who carried the lion's share, is just now beginning to see the light at the end of a long tunnel. She is also depressed and struggling.
While FT in home caring can work, it does come at an emotional cost. And often a physical one, too, as the LO declines and requires more and more care.
Please come back and offer up more information. That will help.
Please check with your state/county office to see what benefits your mother can get such as Medicaid or if she can get Social Security disability benefits. If your state has the PACE program, you can apply for this and they will provide care for your mother while she is living at home. If your mother qualifies for Medicaid, PACE will be 100% free for her and they will take her to all of her appointments and provide the care for her. To be in the PACE program, your mother’s residence must be in the area that they cover. If your mother gets on the PACE program, they will take care of her during the day and you can work during those times and be home in the evening when PACE brings her back home.
Hoping you will find a solution to your problem.
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