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DawnLove Asked March 21, 2024

How can my siblings and I best support our mother's needs when she tells us different desires?

My two sisters and I communicate pretty well, for the most part, on how best to address what our mother needs. One of my sisters lives with her and is the primary care for her. We all would prefer for her to stay in her own home. However, when my sister is out of town and I'm stepping in to care for her she immediately tells me that she feels isolated and wants to plan ahead for moving into a senior care facility; which in her case would mean assisted living or memory care. She tells me that she wants to be with other seniors and have that social interaction. The sister that is her primary care provider feels adamantly that she would really NOT thrive in that environment. I really don't know because I know from friends that have shared that their mothers did actually thrive more (contrary to what they expected) in an assisted facility space with more social interaction. We've planned and facilitated luncheons with friends as much as possible to address her needs for more social interaction so it isn't that we're not trying. She no longer talks about moving to an assisted living space with either of my sisters but continues to bring it up with me. I want to honor her wishes but also figure out how to work together with my sisters when they're receiving different messages from her.

Anxietynacy Mar 21, 2024
My thoughts are, without reading anyone's response, it sounds like your mom doesn't want to hurt your sisters feelings. And she can talk to you the best.
Seems a little like a divorced child that tells a different story to each parent because they don't want to hurt the other parents feelings.

Geaton777 Mar 21, 2024
If your Mom has doen't have cognitive impairment then she legally gets to decide where she goes.

Is anyone her PoA? Is the authority active?

Can she afford to pay for AL? This would be the next hurdle.

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Ohwow323 Mar 21, 2024
Sometimes as caregivers we wouldn't know what to do if we didn't care for someone.
I personally, like being around people my own age and doing activities with my friends.
Do as suggested, have a sit down with your sisters and mom discuss - finances, selling of house if necessary, social interaction possibilities, transportation to and from appointments etc.

AlvaDeer Mar 21, 2024
This is an incredibly easy one. Mother and Sisters all get together for the evening to discuss this issue and nothing else. Mother then gets to speak to the sisters together.

This could be a matter of mother's mentation meaning she doesn't quite remember what she said, and her wishes actually CHANGE from moment to moment OR can be a sort of thing much like teenagers and parents: the teen will speak to one parent and then the other, and the stories don't quite jive. Best that the parents discuss things sitting down TOGETHER with their teen.

Good luck.

funkygrandma59 Mar 21, 2024
Have you all tried to have a sit down conversation with your mom when you're all together so they too can hear moms wishes from the "horses mouth?"
To me that would be the simplest solution, and should resolve the issue once and for all.
A lot of seniors do thrive in an assisted living facility as they're around folks their own age and are kept as busy as they choose to be with all kinds of fun activities throughout the day.
It sounds like it's time to schedule that meeting with your siblings and mom.

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