Goingbatty Asked March 21, 2024

I am ready for my elderly parent to pass on, do any of you feel the same?

My mother has been difficult & challenging all my life, but I have always loved her dearly, because she's my mum. I have had decades of her always being ill, in pain, depressed, negative, injuries, allergies, food intolerances etc., and in the last 5 years frequent falls, injuries, attention seeking behaviour, manipulative, rude, self-absorbed, selfish, etc. My sis and I do alot for her and take her out, cheer her up, make her lunch etc, but she moans incessantly and takes her infirmity out on us. She is 80 and I've just had enough. She has drained/sucked the life force out of me. I am ready for her to pass on now, because her life sucks and mine is sadly heading that way. Any tips to help me thru this. I cd have years more of this. She has no friends, or partner and does not want to join any groups etc. HELP! Thank you.

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yes, and I'm not even a day-to - day hands on caretaker of dad, as he is in AL. I'm a day to day manager, and I still feel that way as you mention.

Dad tells me regularly, that he just wishes he could die soon, and wishes he could take his own life. Sometimes daily he is telling me this. So, yes, with all the misery, I'm ready for him to pass too. You should not feel like the feeling that you feel is taboo, especially if your LO themselves wishes they could pass.

For me, I'm in my mid 50s still, but if I am in bad shape when older, I hope that advanced directives towards physician assisted end of life/ " suicide" are more advanced and available .....

Helpful Answer (11)

Oh you poor thing, that's tough hearing daily that yr LO wants to die. Yup I defo vote for assisted end of life/suicide. We don't let animals suffer, so why do we let humans?? I've already told my kids if I am in hosp when older I want a 'do not resuscitate' order. I want putting down. I don't want to live a shitty infirmed life for decades and I want my kids to have a life, an enjoyable one, not as my carer. Sending strength and virtual hugs to you.😊

(0)

Two decades is enough. Your mother should go into care.
It is likely that she will find a good many people to chat with about infirmities; my brother used to tease and laugh that this was what they all did out at the Gazebo while they watched the ambulances come and go.

You have to take responsibility for enabling your Mom in her use of you. You needed to make it clear that you have a life. If she has done this two decades then she was 60 when she started. She was, given aging today, quite young at 60. My daughter and son in law, 62/70 respectively are out hiking and traveling.

If she has no friends and makes no activities that is HER problem. NOT YOURS. Stop making yourself responsible for being her caregiver and chief support counsel. You are a daughter, not a caregiver. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness but your own.

I would suggest seeing a counselor for some help in breaking out of a habitual way of being that isn't helping mom and isn't helping you, either.

I am 81. My daughter lives three states away from me. I would NEVER do this to her. She is now in the best years of her life, free of her children having raised and sent through college. She will soon retire and hubby is already retired. This is her time to have a GREAT LIFE for herself, not to throw her body on top of my funeral pyre. What a waste!

Helpful Answer (9)

I do not believe that I am enabling my mother. She is autistic and so will not talk/mix with others and sadly refuses to go in a home. I do not enable her either, I leave her home when she is being a particular pain in the a*** and then I take a few days off from her. I have also cut down my visits to her. I do not wish to leave the burden of my mother's care to my sis who works extremely hard and so we share duties. She also has cataracts and can't see, so it wd be cruel if I didn't help. You say I am not her carer, but try telling that to an autistic person who is clueless about my needs, even if I point them out to her. YOU are aware that yr kids shd be living their best lives etc because you clearly understand a healthy mother/daughter relationship, my autistic mother does not have that foresight/understanding. I have two choices, I leave her be and I am likely to find her dead one day having fallen down the stairs etc or I share the duties of shopping, companionship, trips out etc with my sis and when my mum does die I have no guilt that I didn't do the best I could. Also on the rare occasion that I have been direct/blunt with my mother as you suggest, her behaviour becomes intolerable. Ie anger, sulks and so it simply is not worth adding the extra stress on myself. It simply is not as simple for many of us on this forum to walk away and live our best lives. My time will come, I am sure.

(2)

I cared for my parents too. They are both deceased now. It’s the toughest job we will ever experience, regardless of whether we love them or not.

I would say to honor your feelings. You have valid reasons for feeling as you do.

Accept that you are tired of living like this and why on earth wouldn’t you be? Ignore anyone who doesn’t understand how you feel.

Think about it though. Did you know that this would be as difficult as it is before experiencing it for yourself? Probably not. No one can truly understand how much we are affected by caregiving until we experience it firsthand.

Please feel free to vent on this forum anytime you want. We have all vented from time to time.

Don’t push yourself past your limits. Take care of your own physical and mental health. Your needs are equally as important as the person that you are caring for.

Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.

Helpful Answer (8)

I cd cry with your warm and heartfelt reply. I have finally after years found people who understand. I know my life cd be a whole lot worse, but both my boys are also autistic, my hubby of 25 years has just run off with a younger model and my mother, where do I even begin. Why do some people seem to have/live a charmed life and others simply do not get that choice? I had a long chat with my other siblings the other week and told them to step up(brother now sulking with me) and help more. I have told them I am burnt out. I told my sis I wish mum wd die, she was appalled 😬😬. Yep this yr I decided now is my time. I am doing more for me and choosing the things that bring me joy. Thankyou so much for your kind words 😊

(1)

And when your LO finally passes on, it is ok to feel more relieved than sad.

Helpful Answer (8)

I believe it is. I am so glad that I do not feel guilt for feeling this way.

(1)

My mother is 99, yes, 99 and she is still making everyone's life miserable. It is all me, me, I, I.

Yes, I think it is time for her to move on to what is considered a "better place".

No guilt necessary for any of us, we have done what we can.

Helpful Answer (7)

Hear hear. I am so relieved that like you, I do not feel guilty about feeling this way. I have done my time/porridge so to speak. When do we get a chance to live eh???

(0)

My very difficult MIL finally passed about 5 weeks ago. I, personally, had been praying for her miserable life to be over for a solid year before she went.

Am I a horrible person for asking for that? I don't think so. Death is a sweet release, for many people. She had sucked the joy out of every person who was caring for her.

At her funeral, there was no real grief. We were all exhausted (and I didn't do ANYTHING but be a supportive spouse to my DH). It was closure so many of us needed.

In the time since she died, the relief and lifting of all of our spirits has been, well, almost embarrassing. People can and do outlive their 'sell by' date.

My Dh has not shed a tear. Has not said ONCE "I am so sorry mom's gone". B/C that would be a lie.

He's sorry she caused so much pain to so many people. He has some measure of sadness that HE couldn't 'fix' her, and couldn't cure whatever it was that made her so difficult. But missing her? No, he doesn't, and his OB and YS don't feel bad either.

There is a REALLY long post/thread about 'do you wish your LO would die" (something to that effect). Hundreds of posts on that.

Helpful Answer (7)

I think they deleted that - I couldn't find it this morning.

(1)

You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness . Also stop trying to cheer her up . Try to go into “ give her what she needs” mode as much as you can and expect her to be miserable. If she is miserable on outings , don’t take her out , there is no point. Do online shopping for her . Have things delivered. There is no point in banging your head against the wall . People like your Mom only get more miserable as they get older .

And to answer your question ….yes, a lot of us feel or felt this way .

Helpful Answer (7)

I SO agree, Way. I do not get this feeling that we can be happy all the time. Nor that we, as caregivers, are responsible to make our loved ones "happy". That is so impossible. Where did we ever get the idea that such a thing can be accomplished.

(5)

You can love your mom but not like her, and be deathly sick and tired of her being such an Energy Vampire. It's exhausting to feel responsible for making a person like this happy, because it will NEVER happen, no matter what lengths you go to trying! So stop trying, that's my suggestion. Pick a day a week to go over there and deal with her, take her shopping, listen to the histrionics, help her with whatever she needs help with, and then get out of there. Set down firm boundaries for yourself about what you will and won't do for her, and scratch yourself off the list for being her entertainment committee. That's up to HER not you. If she wants to stay home all day feeling sorry for herself, alone and bored, so be it. That's HER choice and has nothing to do with you. You let her know YOUR schedule and then stick to it like glue. Sorry, you're just not available in between times. What do you plan to do with yourself, mum?

You're right......mom may live another decade or more and wear YOU out before she wears out. What is YOUR plan to preserve your health and well-being in the meantime? You matter too, don't forget that.

Helpful Answer (6)

Ah thanku so much for yr reply. When Jan1st hit this yr I did exactly as u suggested. I made the new years resolution that I wd set boundaries and see my mother less. I have stuck to it. Now when I leave her I get in my car, put some nice music on and then go for a lovely beach walk to get her out of my head until my next visit. I have asked all my siblings to step up coz I'm burnt out. On days where my mum is a particular pain in the a*** I leave early. I now don't engage when she goes on and on about pain. I change the subject. Thanku for yr words😊

(2)

Yes, I’ve been ready for my 95 yo parents to go for a couple of years now. They are dying in tiny bits and pieces.They are wheelchair bound in a SNF. My father has dementia and colon cancer. My mother has heart problems and very bad arthritis and she has always had a miserable personality so it’s never been great being around her. She has a pacemaker so she will probably be lingering a long time unfortunately. I wish it was over and I and my sisters can move on.

I will not be grieving, just will feel tremendous relief to get this boulder off my shoulders. Their indefinite lingering has caused me undue stress.

I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone.

Helpful Answer (6)

I feel the same way. My dad is 83 in heart failure and kidney failure. I brought him back to his home after he was abused at a rehab. He is 100% content laying in his hospital bed and having me be his assistant all day.

He is "healthy" for his baseline and honestly, I see no end in sight. He has a pacemaker and defibrillator so I am not sure how this will all play out. We have been home since early February. And to be honest it feels like I have been doing this for over 6 months.

I think it is the unknown that is making this even harder.

Starr

(3)

Thanku Beatty, that's exactly what I have been doing. When she moans for example about her aches and pains, I now go silent and refuse to engage on the subject, or I change the subject. My visits to her are shorter and less frequent. That was a new years resolution to myself. I am defo working on getting a better work/life balance. Sis and I whinge together and laugh about it when we can. Feels good. 😊

Helpful Answer (6)

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I am ready for my elderly parent to pass on, do any of you feel the same?

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