I’m now the only next of kin to my blind and disabled father with undiagnosed dementia. He lives in my family childhood home. There’s a second cousin who was moved in after his last lengthy hospitalization where it was determined he couldn’t live in his home alone, per his needs. Before my sister passed, he begged us as a dying wish to let him pass in his home no matter what had to be done. Now she’s gone. With him being blind, many problems have occurred with the individual who was entrusted to move in with free housing in exchange for a small list of daily responsibilities/tasks, including administration of daily necessary medication. His/my home now looks like a frat house and I have a laundry list of spontaneous irrational decisions causing him to fall backward from over excursion, fall behind with his bills I was managing, etc. Her communication skills are horrific now and my mother and I recently just found the extent of how much she’s been taking advantage of the entire situation. Including finances. He shared that he’s no longer comfortable to talk on the phone because “she knows too much." She listens to all his conversations. I can’t even talk to my dad anymore. He sounds like a stranger on the phone and is being influenced easily because of his dementia. His daily needs are not met. I live 1hr 10mins north of him in NJ. I'm desperately in need a therapist at this point, because even group forums help with sharing and venting but my own life and relationship of 10yrs is now heavily impacted by the toxic situation. My baby sister passed last year in February and I haven’t even been able to grieve her properly. Almost immediately after her passing, his health declined severely. It was already in decline prior to her death. Now it all lies on me. He was too sick and in isolation to have documents signed. Tomorrow I’m hoping to get his POA done. But he’s being told by ppl that it means that I call the shots on everything. He’s now being reluctant when last week he was more than willing. Jokingly said "I’m waiting on you." I need help to get him on Medicaid too. He only has Medicare and it’s not enough. His bills have gone up bc the extra ppl in/out the house are not paying anything. He told my mom under a blanket, that things aren’t right but he won’t and can’t say anything because he’s afraid. That he has to live with this/these individuals when we leave. He fears the treatment or reactions to simple conversations over legitimate concerns. Respite care isn’t even the word. I need to get someone else in the house that will take the situation serious, respect the nice home and me and my father’s wishes. She called a week ago to say she came home and he was just gone! A person he thinks is his “buddy” picked him up and took him out the house without a care in the world nor telling anyone. This person is a bad actor in all aspects. My father shut off his online banking which prevents me from paying his bills. His “caretaker” secretly sold his ride on lawnmower worth $1500, for $300 then took $100 as a tip. Shes moved her father into the house and put my stuff in the basement. My father claims he was told he must pay rent. But it’s been months now. I need him diagnosed formally. He can’t recall much from that outing. He got new cards and the same day had a accident and they were found in the sink.I need to regain control of my home and father’s care.
I'm 3 semesters away from graduating from Polytechnic University at 40-years-old. I had to stop taking classes. I’ve sacrificed so much to keep him in his home. If he wasn’t blind and could see the condition of the home he built he’d have a heart attack. His moods quickly change, and today I offered to get him back on track and all he was concerned with was taking his money out the bank. Again I don’t have a POA yet. What am I supposed to do about any of this? Giving her notice, she’ll complain I fired her and he’ll say no u can stay. Yet has complaints all the time.
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Do whatever you can to get him a medical evaluation. Tell him he's going to lunch or out to the park. Anything.
These issues will continue until a change is made.
If you dad maintains legal control of his 'life,' then there is, perhaps, little you can do. Often, an injury will get a person sent to the Emergency room and then diagnosis / evaluation can be made. Gena
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You mentioned that your father told your mom things are not right but he can’t or won’t say anything because he is afraid.
I know it's hard but you have to kick the "frat house" people out. I am in a similar situation with my mom having just passed and 3 people just assuming they can move in to her house, despite me telling them they cannot.
Also, I would not take the advice of promising dad that you will always take care of him and do whatever he wants. You may want to in your heart, but it may not be humanly possible. I promised my mother I would support her coming home to die. I just about killed myself fulfilling that promise, and have no idea how long it will take me to recover both physically and mentally.
Now you have an undiagnosed father who refuses to make you POA.
That is mistake number two on his part.
Without a diagnosis, and sinking into dementia, he will soon be UNABLE due to incompetency to give a POA.
You need to contact APS and tell them that you feel that your father is a victim of fraud, elder abuse, and possibly robbery. However, you need to know that if they enter the facility and talk to Dad and he says that the cousin is staying there, and is a help to him, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do after that.
You have an undiagnosed elder who is in charge of his own choices.
You have a cousin who moved in with him apparently with the undiagnosed elder's agreement.
Until Dad is judged incompetent, and you seek guardianship, there is little here to be done I suspect. I am truly sorry.
One feature of dementia is paranoia. This means what he tells you may not be true. Also, you won't be able to help him complete his PoA without going there in person. If he's worried about who "calls all the shots" it will either be the PoA that he willingly chooses or the court-appointed guardian who won't be a family member.
He can legally evict the cousin, so it's not like he doesn't have power or control. Or, he should create a lease and employment agreement with her. But most live-in caregiver arrangements don't work very well. Eventually he'll need more than a few hours of care and management.
He may also benefit from meds for his anxiety, depression, paranoia. It's been working for my 94-yr old Mom. Talk to his doctor. But then who will be trusted to give them to him? It all may be better for him to be in a good facility where he'll be protected and have social exposure.
I'd start by going there and seeing what's real and what's not. That will determine your next steps.