Helping your caregiver BFF when you're a caregiver (long).

Actually, that is a topic perhaps for another thread albeit related because it has been weighing on my mind heavily recently. I had approached my friend twice last year about selling the house to me but nothing ever came of it as she had no response to me asking her about her interest in selling to me, I had to assume there is no interest in selling which is fine. I did not press the issue because of the situation with DH.

When I have approached her asking just how long we can continue to rent here and what are her visions/plans for keeping or selling (specifying that I intend to be here for a handful of years but 'could' end choosing to stay here indefinitely) she just always says 'you and your mom can stay here as long as you want/need').

I was given the opportunity twice to move abroad through work last year which has been a long term dream of mine. Both times the opportunity to transfer fell through. It was around this time that she had expressed being excited for me for said opportunities but how her and DH honestly hope I don't ever leave the house any time soon. She has expressed on multiple occasions that how although she hates the circumstances under which I moved here, I ended up in her home at a time where she kept 'saying' she was going to rent it but needed help cleaning it out/putting it on the market/and did not want strangers in her home but was losing money having to pay for an empty house while she lived with her then fiance.

I tend to think she'd be upset if I left anytime soon as she has explicitly stated DH has mentioned 'what are they going to do if Psalms decides to leave/we literally don't have to worry about anything with the house now that she's renting it'. As such I think the risk of being 'put out' is low, however, I acknowledge it could happen so for now I just try to put some money away for worst case scenario. It also wouldn't necessarily be a horrible thing because I only moved here for my mom and neither she nor myself want to remain here long term. If my friend were to say she wants to sell the house to me I would buy it because: it's in a very inexpensive area, it could be easily modified to fit my mom's needs and the mortgage on a home like this in a smaller town would be lower than any other place I'd 'choose' to live myself. I'm willing to make living here a bit more permanent because my mom would do well here. I myself am not doing well here (I am having trouble finding good competent healthcare for myself for new issues that have arisen since becoming a caregiver and am heavily grieving the previous place/city and friends I moved away from) and do not want to stay here yet I'm willing to make such a sacrifice and do just that because my mom's few friends (although she is seeing them wayyyyy less now post stroke) are here and she is familiar with the area.

I did mention this whole housing thing is another topic in and of itself lol. Just as I was about to hit 'post' on this, it JUST literally dawned on me that it might not be THIS house that gets sold. In the midst of all my own craziness going on the past year and a half, I literally never had that thought until just now. They live together in maybe 5kish square feet...

...maybe I'm in the home she plans to come back to. O.O

I agree. And that is what I am trying to sort through. Just because I may not be able to help in the way I have been, maybe I can do it in a different way such as offering to pay x amount in boarding costs that may arise (one example). For reasons already mentioned I know I will be limited going forward in agreeing to the ‘can you go and get the dog now for an indefinite amount of time’ requests but good advice has been given here with respect to boundary setting and such and I appreciate that.

Fair enough. Although I must say I have sitted for the dog multiple times. Not just twice over the past month-ish. And although I am being charged under market rate, I have started paying over what she charges me, bumping up the amount I pay in rent voluntarily over the past 8 months with the intention to be at market rate soon since she doesn’t charge market rate to me. I am paying for certain repairs and landscaping and other work many renters do not pay because I know she cannot be bothered with anything with the house now that DH is so sick. I was her maid of honor upon moving here when my mom was sick, planning her entire wedding on 10 days notice, becoming the photographer on 1 day notice, loaning a ton of money in wheelchairs and medical equipment I’d paid out of pocket for long periods that I needed said things for my own mom, etc. I won’t go into additional details with other things I’ve helped with because it’s just not necessary. Our friendship isn’t quid pro quo like that. She has family here and DH’a family and I moved here solo and have no one. I am a caregiver too so I do not believe it is out of the question to think about boundaries. That is not even to mention my mom’s mental condition I am still adjusting to and learning of new deficits from time to time. (Example: I am not able to prove it but I believe my mom may have snuck food to the dog that made it sick the last time it stayed with me.). I would say not to be so quick to judge me as a complainypants when you can’t possibly know all the details behind why it’s important for me to consider just how much I’m able to reasonably do. I made it pretty clear how much I love my friend and intend to help.

I can definitely get a crate if by chance she needs help with the dog again soon. I have used a crate with her several times before however the issue with that is she does not bark outside of the crate. Inside of the crate she cries and barks nonstop and I do mean nonstop all day and (if kept in the crate) all night.

Honestly I lean towards not telling her when I have plans to say go somewhere. She has been saying things lately that touch on how much she wishes she could go places and do normal things again. I did end up declining to pick up the dog last night (I did not give an explanation although I was not too keen on going out to her house alone at night while it was storming as I wasn't going to bring my mom out in that in the car). She had replied and fortunately as I hadn't responded that quickly she had spoken with a cousin to go and get the dog. I do appreciate your advice.

Agree, Beatty. This may be a social contract. But it is one not verbalized. I think that is part of all the discomfort around this.

You are correct. It may be time not to be part of this contract.

The primary issue is that for me, keeping the dog is stressful. As a caregiver the messes are a bit much for me on top of my current duties. It's also a crazy busy time at work and I work from home. As of today I have not left the house (literally have not gone outdoors) for a week. Totally mostly my fault, however, when I get the dog I may have it for 2 days or 10; there is not really a way to know how long it will be and now she is unable to drop off or pick up the dog going forward as she is not comfortable leaving DH at home alone (which I totally understand). So being confined to the house for the additional days I keep the dog (whenever I agree to doing so) is a bit tough as I end up having to stay in the house even more than I typically plan to.

She's aware of them and has used them before. She has mentioned not wanting to incur additional expenses due to debt accrued/continuing to accrue as a result of DH's condition. (Sigh)

She's aware of the paid services and has used them before. She has mentioned not wanting to incur additional expenses due to debt accrued/continuing to accrue as a result of DH's condition. (Sigh)

Good point RE: the neighbors - perhaps she has used them before; I am not sure. I did end up declining to get the dog last night (it was storming and I did not want to drive out to her area at night without my mom as I also wasn't going to take her out). I chose not to give any explanations as honestly I wasn't sure that would help/add any value.

I'm giving this more thought because the past 6 months they have been in and out of the hospital so much and like I said I just have this feeling for some reason that she is going to start really needing more help with the dog. I think that if it's a weekend where I don't plan on leaving, or I can bring the dog 'to the city' with my mom and I, I will do my best to say yes but I will try to find help for her if I can't do it and she's having trouble.

Thank you for sharing.