They think he should have visits and snacks and whatever.
They do not know how emotionally abusive he is to me
I am going to maybe go see him and record the visit.
Tired of people thinking I am the bad person.
After hearing the recording I might find out I am.
He keeps saying he knows what to do and doesn't do it. His bills are unpaid. He won't allow me to order groceries to be delivered. He is worried about the delivery fee (he has plenty of money)
His house is a total mess he wants me to bag up my late mom's clothes
He is so verbally and mentally abusive (i think it's his nature) I don't go
Tired of people feeling sorry for him because he is alone
He deserves it
I can't believe I wrote that but I am mad as hell with people judging me when they have no idea what I am dealing with
12 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I’d like to chime in about the pressure from family, friends, neighbors and their expectations. If they call you, you could turn the tables on them, something like:
So glad you called, he does need help. I’m not able to get his groceries for him any more. It would be great if you could take this on for him. I’ll go ahead and let him know you called and are concerned. He would love to talk with you. Maybe you could take him to lunch? He complains about being bored and I’m sure would love to see you. He’ll be so happy when I tell him you called, I’ll go ahead and share your number since I’m sure he would want to talk with you. It’s been nice talking to you. Thanks so much for jumping in to help out! Glad you called, bye now!
Let’s see if they call YOU any more!! On the positive side, what if it worked?! Rinse & repeat with each nosy caller.
You aren’t responsible for this man, don’t fix his life for him. You can say something like:
Oh, yes, I see how that’s a problem for you, what are you going to do about it? IDK either, but you have friends/doctors/neighbors I’m sure you will work it out.
Then change the subject before jumping in to solve the prob for him. “Did you watch the game last night?
Go fix your own life before this sucks your soul dry. :)
My aunt used to tell me the cleaning lady I hired wasn't doing a very good job. I told her I did not hire a cleaning lady, I hired a companion. I told her my father was perfectly capable of cleaning up after himself.
The OP needs to stop doing things for her father that he can do for himself. And stop worrying about what other people think.
He has always been abusive and difficult it isn't his age.
I only have one sibling and we don't speak (long story) So It's me and my husband only.
ADVERTISEMENT
I see no problem in going in and bagging up Moms clothes. "Gray Rock" Dad. Block him out. Get in, get out.
Tell people, Dad won't let me help. He is mentally and verbally abusive and always has been to me and Mom. I choose to interact with him as little as possible because I don't deserve the abuse. He is alone because of how he treats others. He is capable of ordering groceries and having them delivered. I have suggested ordering for him and having them delivered but no, he wants me to do it and honestly I do not have the time or the inclination. I refuse to enable him or disable him, he can take care of himself, he chooses not to.
If Dad is not paying bills, eventually things will be shut off. You cannot live in a home that does not have running water. If you feel Dementia is in play here, then call APS. Ask if they will investigate, that Dad will not let u help and that you keep your distance anyway because you were abused as a child and are still abused when u have tried to help. You think he needs to be placed in care with the State taking over. You have no POA and do not want guardianship. If Sis is POA, give them her number. If they come back and say therevis nothing they can do, then let the chips fall where they may.
and I have told people those exact things and they don't believe me for some reason
Which reminds me of another conversation. When Prince Harry wrote Spare, went on TV over and over complaining about his family. It didn't help him at all, made things a lot worse for him. Made him look like a whinny baby.
For the sake of all that's holy, why in the WORLD would you give a HANG what people think about you? What possible joy does that give you?
And if you do worry over what other people think of you, sadly, that's your own fault.
You are bringing this "judgement" onto yourself.
And right now, you have MY judgement: because I think you are wasting your time worrying over what people think about your father. And what they think about you.
Please go out and find something today that brings you JOY.
Tell the worried people to go see him themselves and bring him stuff.
Otherwise you don't have time to worry, SINCE YOU LIVED IT.
Would it help to have a standard one line reply for 'them'? Eg;
- Dad? He's doing things his way.
- He refuses my help.
- I've done all I can.
You know your dad, just because a person is old does not mean they are automatically innocent. Nor, should they get a free pass for their behavior due to their age.
If it would make you feel better to be able to prove his behavior to others by playing a recording for them, go ahead and record him.
In our state it is legal to record someone without their knowledge. So, if I were to record someone there wouldn’t be any risk of backlash for recording someone without their consent.
You can only do so much to help. I think you are smart to make suggestions. Stand your ground. Don’t cave into his intimidation.
If he is too frugal to pay for the delivery fee on groceries, then that is too bad. Tell him that you don’t get gas for free and that your time is valuable.
Look into a housekeeper for him.
I am sorry for the loss of your mom. Perhaps, help him with bagging up her clothes.
May I ask you a few questions so that we can know the proper context of your situation?
When did your mom die? Is dad still grieving?
Why are his bills piling up? Do you think that dementia is setting in? How old is he? Does he have any health issues? Is he in any pain?
What’s going on in your life? How are you doing, other than being upset about your dad? Has your relationship with your dad always been strained?
Who are these other people that are bugging you? Do they expect you to do everything for your dad? You don’t have to do more than you want to. They will have to accept that and respect your decisions.
Wishing you peace.
So, Mary these people know what he is like to you and they don't care because otherwise they 'would've' stepped up to help you. Give yourself some slack and do only what you want to or are able to.
Just to clarify, who are the people suggesting your father needs visits and snacks — and do they themselves do anything to help?
Has your father always been abusive and difficult (not just new cognitive issues that are causing problems)? I think you have every right to have boundaries in your relationship with him. You have the right to be treated with basic courtesy during any interactions with him. And if you are visiting him, and he starts being rude or disrespectful, I think you have a right to calmly say “I won’t be spoken to like that,” and leave.