Caring for my dad is giving me panic attacks. I work full time and am overwhelmed. He is a narcissist. I am an only child. I resent my life.

So, Belle.

Please consider that you are NOT responsible for him. He's an adult. He had his WHOLE life to plan for his old age. If YOU were the plan, you needed advance notification.

Practice saying "no, I can't do that. You'll have to make other arrangements.'

Why are you doing this?

"Now I am responsible for my dad"

Are you though?
In what way?

Legal responsibility? As Guardian?
Or Legal Power of Attorney?

Society expectations? Expected by your wider family? Because you are a daughter (or son)?

Because HE expects it?

You maintain your sanity by stopping this insanity. You sound like you’ve been forced into this. Nope, you’re choosing it.

You are not obligated to run yourself into the ground for what is basically a sperm donor. He sired you but he is NOT your dad.

We had a poster from the UK (I wonder how he is getting on..) that I remember well. Hard working tough old man sort of Father. Felt entitled to his son's servitude. Not just visits, as a son, but you must.. take me here, take me there, no not on Saturday.. when it suits ME. Get my groceries, you forgot the biscuits..
All HIS way. Need it now etc.
Little thanks & a lot of complaints.

Any other options were shot down. Taxi. Meals on wheels. Grocery deliveries. Senior centre for company. Only wanted his son to be servant.

I mention this in case this is similar for you?

If your work, home life, and marriage is suffering because of caregiving for your father, it's time to stop.

You do not want to do it so you can either choose to be a care martyr or you can choose to not be.

There are options. Homecare (that your father pays for not you). Or he can be placed in the appropriate living to meet his care needs. If he needs LTC or memory care, find a facility for him. If he still has some level of independence, look to assisted living or even senior housing. Or you could call it a day entirely and let him become a ward of the state. If you're his POA, you can easily get yourself removed by going to the lawyer who did the POA or by going to the probate court and removing yourself fro it that way.

Don't become a martyr though. When people do they ruin more than just their life. The ruin the lives of everyone who loves them.

You are under no moral or ethical obligation to have any contact with him -- because there are other options: step away from the care and report him to APS as a vulnerable adult. He will get a court-appointed guardian and the care he needs, provided by someone else, someplace else. If you keep inserting yourself you will burn out and will delay his other care options that will solve both your problems.

Please consider counseling so that you can have healthy boundaries.

Belle,
I have read your responses to the answers below.

It is rare that those of us on the Forum, given our diversity of age, race, creed, and even country, agree. But all here seem to agree, and I will add that I do as well. There is no reason for you to continue in this care. It is self-harming behavior.

You have made choices and as an adult you are RESPONSIBLE for your own choices. We are a Forum. We cannot make choices for you.

You are not responsible for your father and no child is. In fact, it is PARENTS who are responsible for CHILDREN, not the other way around. When you bring, by purpose or accident, a new being into this world you OWE that helpless child a support, love, attention, a home until they reach age of majority. They then fly the nest. The contract is OVER.

Someone below has asked you to consider just WHY you are doing this care of your father, and you answer that ALL the reasons mentioned are why you are doing so.
The responder's point was that these are NOT valid reasons to continue caring for someone who isn't deserving nor owed your care.
I am certain you realize that many elders HAVE NO CHILDREN. They therefore are dependent on the help of the state for their support when they cannot function. That is the same help your father, if you move 1,000 miles away (I recommend that) can avail himself of.

Only you can make choices for your own life. I hope you will get support in doing so. Playing this forward generationally will harm your own family.

Your mom and dad had sex. His sperm entered her egg. That made you.

Forty years have gone by since mom and dad split. You and dad didn't see each other much. And now - wait for it - YOU are obligated to take care of him in his old age, including keeping him from being bored! If the tables were turned, would he be taking care of you? No.

You need to summon the courage to back out of this unfair deal. He'll find someone else to take care of him. Narcissists always do.

You deserve a life that doesn't revolve around this jerk. There's one out there, but you have to jettison him first. You can do it! Get started on that project right away. The light at the end of the tunnel is beckoning and bright.

In a reply below you seem to indicate that you are his PoA or legal guardian. You are legally able to resign these responsibilities.

He can only abuse you and cause you anxiety if you allow it.

If other family or people don't like this or will judge it, so what? Tell them they can go do it. This all may seem so hard for you (due to F.O.G.) and perhaps complex trauma, dysfunction and codependency. This is why I suggested counseling.

You DO have control. Claim it.