My brother has COPD and claims he can't help with my 95-year-old dad. He's not on oxygen and has never been to the ER. Is he exaggerating?

It really doesn’t matter if brother can or cannot help more, he’s choosing not to be involved, and that’s his right as an adult. And yes, you definitely need more time at your own home and a break from caregiving. Now that you know brother isn’t the answer for that, it’s time to decide on a new plan for dad’s needs. Bring in professional help or get dad to where he can get more care. I know this is a hard time, I cared for my dad on home hospice when he was dying of CHF, it was exhausting. I hired more help to come in, it was a godsend. I wish you and dad both peace

You need more help.
Edit: Your Dad needs more help.
This does not mean your brother needs to provide it.
He said no.
He doesn’t have to give a reason.
Hands-on caregiving is not for everyone.

Consider a family meeting with all the key support people. Discuss with honesty with Dad, what Dad's care needs now are. Compare to what family can do. Include who wants to do more, who wants to do less, how to add more help, who will provide the additional help.

He has a cleaning service. Good.

Most families reach a point that more NON-family help is needed.

Dad may be there.

If your brother has "never been known for putting himself out for anyone" then why are you expecting him to help you with your father? He has made his choice to not help and you made yours to help. It doesn't matter whether or not everyone else feels comfortable at your dad's home or that your sister makes him breakfast five days a week! What matters is that now things have to change i.e. you are exhausted and your husband needs you.

Forget about your brother! You and your sister need to have a serious conversation about your dad, whose needs are only going to increase. If you're 73 then your father is probably 90-something years old? How big is his house? What kind of shape is it in? What are his finances like? Can he afford to hire in-home help? What about assisted living? Do you or your sister have durable power of attorney?

If you want to help your father then start with the essentials - food, shelter, activities of daily living - and leave your brother out of it because he doesn't want to help and any help you get from him will either be short-lived, awful, or both.

Your father deserves dignity at his age. And it sounds like only you and your sister are interested in preserving that for him.

"He's just never been known for putting himself out for anyone."

Stop expecting him to now be someone he never was.

Expectations = premeditated disappointments

Abby, this is your brother who has taken 200k from your parents, right?

He's a taker. Not a giver.

Hire help with dad's money. Brother is who he is

Let me tell you this. The VA gives NOBODY 100% disability unless they're fully disabled and it's fully documented by doctors and Pulmonologists.

"Everyone else is comfortable at dad's house" because they don't have debilitating respiratory conditions! The slightest thing can set off a person with COPD that a healthy person wouldn't even notice.

Hire in home help as needed and don't insist on getting blood from a stone.

Good luck to you.

Brother isn't going to help. If your dad is 95 and in hospice, this probably isn't going to last much longer. Look into hiring caregivers (dad pays for them). Or maybe his hospice has a stand-alone facility where he can go. Keeping them at home begins to be impossible at some point, so this would be the time to explore a different direction so you can save your sanity.

We can not know how sick your brother is , but he’s labeled disabled with COPD, so IMO that gets him off the hook for hands on caregiving . Not that he needs an excuse , as you can not force someone to be a caregiver .

So he can not be your “ backup “ that you are looking for. Either hire help with Dad’s money or place Dad in a facility so you can focus on your husband .

It's a shame your brother doesn't just level with you and say he isn't going to participate in caregiving.

I personally think that if we make the choice to do caregiving we have no right whatsoever to expect it of others.

I think no one here would be comfortable judging your brother.
When you yourself, who have known him a lifetime, are uncertain whether he is telling the truth or not, how could we, a bunch of strangers from round the world, have a better guess?

Please don’t expect your brother to help. Of course, you need help. Caregiving is a huge responsibility. Find other resources for help.

Even if your brother was well, would you really want someone who doesn’t want to be a caregiver doing this work?

I wouldn’t want someone who wasn’t interested in helping because they would become to extremely resentful and not care for your mom properly.

Wishing you all the best.