How do I respond to dad (dementia) when he asks why Mom doesn’t visit him? He becomes combative w/ memory care staff after talking to her.

ElfsMama: Speak to dad's physician about medication.

"She's coming later."
"The bus broke down and she's taking a cab. She'll be here soon. And, how are the trees and flowers doing in the yard (change the subject).

You do not engage with a person afflicted with dementia.
You do whatever you can to appease them.

If no appeasing / calming down - you either sit quietly and let them "rant and rave" or you leave the environment (step out for a few minutes, an hour, whatever you need). You never ever argue.

He may never see what you see.
Your goal is to keep yourself - and him - as cam as possible, with meds as they are needed. You 'don't' try to keep them quiet or address their 'visions' / confused cognitive functioning / images in their head.

You experience what is going on.
You see if any medical way to handle it (as you are/may be doing)
You talk to staff.
You see if he is safe where he is or if other arrangements need to be made (i.e., will the facility ask him to leave?)

You take care of yourself as best you can - making a decision to do so. Self Care isn't a given. It is hard to do when exhausted and emotionally drained, yet you do it - however and whatever supports you.

Sit and 'smell the roses' -(really).
Refocus.
Meditate.

Give yourself a much needed break.

Gena / Touch Matters

His dementia may require some medication. As you may already know, many dementias differ and some include some violent acting out. If this continues the facility will be speaking to you about a possible need for transfer to a neuro-psyc unit for some trials of medications to help.

You really cannot change the fact there is dementia here.
Asking how to explain anything? Well, there really IS no explaining to someone with this level of dementia, so the answer to what you say is "whatever works" and doesn't matter if it's the truth or not. He sees the wife coming as his means of "rescue". It needs to be made clear she CANNOT come, and any lie will do. You can say she is in bed at home with a bad back and cannot move. Say whatever works.

I am so very sorry. This is a crucible, and it is very likely to be ongoing to his death. Docs might try to work first with a simple, easy, low dose anti depressant and see if that works, but often enough it does not, and in rare cases can just make things worse. I wish you luck. Not everything can be fixed and it is horrific grief to stand witness to this.

Why is he in memory care with early stage dementia? Can’t he be in AL with her?
My mother is in AL with significant dementia. Will her facility not take him?

You're At first not disclosed that mom died but dad accepts you. Why don't you accept dad and the memory care? It used to be senior moments now. They call memory care and dementia for billable hours minimum contact. It's all a money making. I've had a year and a 1/2 of it. Don't tell me. the one who needs the treatment are staff. I'm in long-term care. And if you discount this witnessing you're part of the problem. I shared my standing.

I interpreted this to say that seeing his wife triggers aggressive and combative behaviour. While he rages at her, then takes his anger out on the staff, he may not be aware that she is his wife.

My mother rarely recognizes me and, when she does, she typically rages at me. (I made her grow old, I tried to kill her, my kids stole her stuff, I won’t drive her to her parents’ house, etc.) I trigger aggression, including biting. She has argued with staff that I am not her daughter. (they no longer announce my arrival, instead just referring to me as a visitor)

If I advise the home of my visit, they will sedate my mother. Enough to take the edge off. You may wish to discuss that with his doctor. Or fib that (depending on his nature) that she was there a few days ago, has caught something contagious, will be along shortly... or offer to pass along a message. Good luck!

I do agree with lea - why isn't mom visiting? Is she refusing or has staff asked her not to? Is dad new to MC? I don't know if him being combative is 100% due to being agitated from mom not visiting.

Good luck.

I would talk to your Dad's doc about meds for his agitation and anxiety.

Use therapeutic fibs to answer his questions about why she doesn't visit lately (she's not feeling well, she's got an appointment, whatever: he's in MC so he shouldn't remember from one time to the next) -- eventually hopefully meds will work and then consider visits.

I was in my MIL's room in her LTC. While we were there she got a call from her son Glen. After she hung up I asked, "How's Glen doing?" She looked at me sadly and said, "I don't know... he hasn't called in a long time."

Why doesn't mom visit him, I don't understand? Maybe dad would calm down if mom DID visit him. He probably needs calming meds in general.

Actually, why is one living in AL and the other in MC if they're both suffering from dementia?