My mother is and always has been narcissistic. She still treats me as a nonentity, except for what she can get from me as her caretaker.

To all that have written strong and guiding suggestions on what to do with my mother, please let me clarify a few questions. My mother lives with me in my rented home. The last time I took her to pain management, I met a wonderful doctor that has also given me a light at the end of the tunnel. My mother is a WWII surviving spouse and I am working with the Veteran's Administration to get her a pension. If this succeeds and she receives the amount or possible amount that was quoted to me, I can put her in a nursing home with no problem. In the meantime, I'm looking into the Miller/Qualifying Trust; just need to find the right Elder lawyer. I would also like to add that as an Agent Orange Vietnam War surviving spouse that my paperwork has been submitted for me to have a pension. If this goes through, I will be able to afford someone to stay with her so I can get away a few times a year. Again, thank you so much for all the thoughtful replies. I am and will be forever grateful.

Separate.
If your house, sell it & move.
If Mom's house, move out.

What would stop you packing a bag, getting on a bus or train & travelling as far away as you could get?

You are 70, and your mother is pushing 90.

You have, it seems to me, been enmeshed in one another's lives for a VERY LONG TIME.
For instance, in all you tell us here about your mother, you do not tell us whose home the two of you are living in.
That matters, despite the fact that at this point it is the home of BOTH of you legally.

You are, at 70, stuck in a time 7 decades ago when you were born.
That isn't especially healthy thinking, because in all truth no one cares in our current times whether your mom and dad had a shotgun marriage or not.
I honestly don't have any answers for you that your own therapist does not have.

I think you will not get help from "family" but certainly you can keep trying.
You have mentioned that you have financial issues, so I think in lieu of expecting them to step in and give you respite (they apparently won't do that) you can tell them please to help you with groceries.
Send them collectively and individually a wish list of staples you need for the home, including incontinence supplies.

When things become impossible for you to handle any more, I agree with RealyReal that it is time for the ER dump in which you have Mom transported to hospital with some trumped up lie (stroke, lashing out, anything you can come up with). Then call in social workers and tell them you cannot mentally or physically care for her, and she cannot return to the home. In fact, get a note from that therapist of yours that trying to continue to care for Mom endangers your health. I would not take on POA. Let the state take guardianship and place your mother in a nursing home.
Now, mind you, if she is rational and walking they WILL return her home, as it IS HER HOME, as well as it is yours.

Normally I suggest people separate themselves from troubled family.
I am sorry to say that, at 70, not even knowing whose name is on title of home deed, I feel it is "too late" for that, and I can but wish you good luck. Which certain I do wish you. And I hope you will update us.

uarew, you didn't and don't deserve to be punished because of her actions that produced you. She wasn't a baby and knew full well the consequences of her choices. Shame on her for trying to make you pay those consequences.

I would encourage you to Google qualified income trust or Miller trust for your state. This is the financial solution to her getting to much income for medicaid. You will need to use an attorney, paying with her money but, it will be worth every penny.

I would also encourage you to do the ER dump if you are not able to continue to safely care for her until this is sorted out. Hospitals can get emergency guardianship so much faster then us, this may be your only solution to this problem.

You matter too!

Great big warm hugs!!!

Take Funky Grandmas advice - I was trying to take care of My Mom after she had been in a rehab for 80 days . I was Not healthcare proxy so I Knew Little about her situation but was told by My sister " To Pick her up on Cape cod she was independent . " I Got a half a day of peace and waited a week before the Nursing home discharged her . A Physical therapist took me aside and said " which daughter are you ? The One from California or cape cod ? " I said " Cape Cod " and he said " She is not independent , she was talking about seeing the Beatles the other Night . " No One mentioned Dementia either . Long story short - my Mom was a mess . After 2 weeks a VNA Nurse arrived and I said " I think we need to call 911 " and she agreed . I had brought My Mom to visit her Doctor who Must have known and I asked the Doctor " What is going On ? " No answer . Anyway The head nurse took me aside and said " Your Mother needs 24/ 7 care you can not do this job . " and gave me the name of lawyers and I had to find a Nursing home and gather documents for medicaid . After sometime I Looked at my mothers discharge papers from the Rehab and someone wrote " Patient Lives with her daughter . " I never Lived with my Mother and not sure who lied . You can call 911 and Have them take her and a case manager and social worker can help you get her into a Place .

See if your State allows Miller/Qualifying Income Trusts. This is a trust that the money over the income cap in your State is placed so Mom can qualify for Medicaid. You will need an Elder Lawyer to set it up.

I agree your only strategy is to do the ER thing like ALvaDeer outlined.

The reason you don't mention dementia at all to the EMTs or doctors is that dementia is not a medical emergency or anything that can be treated at a hospital. They won't take her. You tell them she's not acting normal and you don't know why. Has she ever had a cogntive or memory test? If so it might be in her chart, but still what you tell the EMTs is what matters.

If you are your Mom's PoA you should resign otherwise the hospital and county will hound you to take her back, which they may do anyway.

Does she live in your house or do you live in hers? If you live in hers it might eventually get tricky if she becomes a ward of a court-appointed guardian. Then you will need to move out.

If she's in your house, it's technically her legal residence. Just don't go get her no matter what they say or promise you. Maybe even divulge that you're in therapy and that your mental health can't handle caring for her. Make sure no other relative goes to get her to drop her off at your home.

I'm so sorry she treated you like that. I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. It will feel bad for a while but once the county steps in, things should improve. Hang in there!

I can't say how you feel, but if I had to take care of someone who was abusive to me, I would have a lot of resentment taking care of someone like this person.

I'm with Alvadeer, get this woman out of your house asap. Take Alvadeer's advice below. She hasn't steered anyone wrong here on this board.

Caretaking is hard enough even if we are doing it for someone we love dearly, but it will take its toll on us eventually.

When dealing with a narcissist, use the gray rock method. For me, this is a form of emotional detachment. Don't give a reaction to the nonsense. If you have a chore, do the chore and go do something good for yourself. Investing in a good pair of earplugs will help as well. That way, you won't be absorbing the toxic nonsense and ugliness she will spew out of her mouth at you.

I can't get over the fact that she was telling everyone you were premature weighing eight pounds at birth.

Ok, I'm going to start first with the fact that someone that has been abused as a child or otherwise, should NEVER, as in NEVER, take on the care of the abuser, only child or not.
I'm not sure what you were thinking back when you decided to take your mother into your home. Perhaps that she had changed and that you would now receive the love and acceptance you have craved from her your whole life???
I hate to tell you, but as you're finding out, it seldom if ever works out that way, and now you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and your own health is suffering.
I know that Adult Daycare Centers do offer financial help if it's needed, and the Shepherd Center(if you have one in your area)do have volunteers that will come out for free to visit for a few hours. There are also different Christian ministries that will offer someone to come out for free to visit so you can get away for a bit. You would have to research those online.
But in all honesty, you need to get your mother out of your house permanently, and the sooner the better.
So....call 911 and have the EMT's transport your mother to the hospital, saying you think she may have a UTI, or some other issue(yes, you may have to lie)and then once there, you tell the hospital social worker, that your mother CANNOT return to your home as you are no longer able to care for her and that she is an "unsafe discharge." And you keep using that term over and over. The social worker will then have to find placement for your mother.
Now the hospital will try and talk you into taking your mother back home with all kinds of promises of all what they can do to help you, but DO NOT fall for their lies as that is all they are.
Instead just keep repeating that your mother is an "unsafe discharge" until they understand that your mother cannot come back home with you.
And then once your mother is placed, you take a good long break and take care of yourself, as you matter too in this equation.
And then you can decide if you want to visit her at all or just once a week or month or whatever works best for your mental health.
Again...someone that was abused in any way from a parent or supposed loved one, should NEVER be the one responsible for their care. Period. End of sentence.