Speaking from my own experience, I certainly dont think its wrong. I mean, who wouldnt feel that? That said, I dont think being resentful in your best interests and one should attempt to not be resentful for YOUR betterment.
I think there is a difference between resentment which is more of harmful emotion, and basic acceptance that we are being taken advantage of (if we choose to do that) and realize it comes with the territory
Others suggest just removing yourself from a situation where you feel resentment. But others of us do feel a responsibility to take care of loved ones to a certain degree and if we do that we acknowledge it wont always be fair.
I'll be honest and say that I feel resentment. I spent the last good 6.5 years of my life, caring for a man that was hell-bent on misery and he took me with him. I have 2 good memories, him on zoloft, and when he went away for 6 weeks. He was happy both times and of course he complained about one and stopped taking the drug that helped him.
You are correct though, resentment doesn't help. The family took his side and could care less about what I went through. In fact, they couldn't care less about me now. The resentment did that.
What I would say though, is be prepared for the absolute worst of everyone and everything. This profession draws it out.
I think most caregivers don't care if they're being thanked for something or getting flowers and hugs as shows of gratitude.
I think what a family caregiver wants most from the family member they take care of is just basic respect. Also time off from that person is important.
(When I say 'you' in the following comments I do not literally mean you as in yourself)
Basic respect as in not treating that person like they are worthless garbage with nothing postive to contribute to human society. Basic respect as in not making up lies about the family caregiver who literally wipes your a$$ and works like a slave day in and day out so you can "age in place". Also, not villifying them to others because you're bored and want more attention. Basic respect in that you do not behave like an entitled, ingrate senior brat who's doing their family member a favor by "allowing" them to serve them. Basic respect in that you don't "lash out" at the one who does for you because you want to hurt someone, or are in the mood to fight, or just want to complain and bring somebody down.
This is really what most caregivers really want. Not gratitude, not praise and gifts. Just basic respect from their "loved one".
Caregiving for a family member is a thankless job. More often than not the caregiver is disrespected, berated, belittled, and even villified by the "loved one" (I use this term very loosely) they're taking care of. These family members (usually seniors)many times literally cannot wipe their own asses successfully on their own, yet will treat the person who does them this service with less regard than a bag of garbage thrown on the side of a highway.
When you do it for a living like I did for 25 years, it's usually just as bad. Clients and their families more often than not think that the caregiver is a slave who works for the whole family that they can treat anyway they like.
I'm in the business end of homecare now and my long experience is useful in this business. I will tell you this truth, my friend. I would rather make my living walking the streets than work at hands-on caregiving again.
You have a choice though. If the resentment is setting in, you can choose to walk away from it and you should.
We can all debate if feeling resentful is right or wrong, but perhaps the bigger question is where does resentment get a person? It brings on stress, possible emotional and physical health consequences, and does nothing to change the situation. Validating your emotion goes only so far. Maybe it’s time to consider changing the dynamics that cause resentment before the consequences become too much
I do so agree with you. This is like an anger at bottom of SELF in that we are grownups. We make our choices. When we take on this care it has consequences and they are OUR consequences. I think it is well and good to validate our emotions, as we've little thought as to what pops into our heads; but it is not OK to marinate in it. We weaken ourselves thereby. It keeps us from addressing what in our present daily lives needs to be addressed.
Honestly being a hands on caregiver is not a good experience, there are no benefits.
Me, I would never do it, I have 2 in a facility, one on AL the other in MC. I am not willing to give up my life, my mental well-being for another, makes zero sense to me.
There are other ways to handle this, like placing your parent. Because he doesn't want to go is his choice, as long as he is mentally competent to make this decision. As long as you keep him propped up he will always think he is independent.
You do not have to care for him. That is your choice, so with that, there is an acceptance level as no matter what you do, you will be criticized.
I don’t think it’s wrong to feel resentful, but it’s important to take steps - even teeny tiny ones - to extricate oneself from being totally stuck in the situation.
I’m not a hand’s on caregiver for my mom because A) literally impossible B) it would kill me. But I have done everything else, still do, and have a philosophy that POA stands for, ‘Person of Aggravation’. Meaning, once you’re POA you have a big target on your back for complaints, unwanted opinions, and all manner of aggravating requests from the LO and everyone else who has NO CLUE what your experience is like.
I’ve delegated as much as I can, and play music, pet dogs, whatever, to alleviate feelings and have a life. As a Person Of Aggravation, I also get my own aggravation out on a full size martial arts bag I’ve nicknamed, The Therapist. My ‘Therapist’ keeps my feelings a secret, plus the more I see this therapist the better shape I get into, so I totally recommend this kind of therapy if your joints can take it.
Since I announced my cancer diagnosis, 3 people have accused me of being a shitty caregiver.
One of them accused me of not taking my father to a parade. I'd never heard of the parade before that moment and when I told my father to talk to the guy, he got pissed off at me.
One of them accused me of not putting my father in a senior living center. My father wouldn't go and I couldn't force him.
The last one probably didn't care for his father for more than 15 minutes but decided I was a poor caregiver.
My father is loved, I'm hated, literally, my family won't talk to me. My aunt called me to ask where to toss my body when I died and that's been our only communication in months. I had really bad thrush, couldn't eat, lost 20 pounds, no one cared even a little bit in my family. In fact, I was being chewed out over something that literally didn't matter.
I'd tell you to not do this job. If I could go back in time, I'd have walked away and left my father and his shitty relatives behind and never have looked back. I have literally not received one iota of compassion from my extended family.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's terrible and the way you describe how your family treats you, absolutely disgusting.
I would tell such a family to stick it where the sun don't shine and cut them out of my life.
You with a cancer diagnosis have to be the top priority in your own life. Screw your family. Any family that would behave as you say yours does does not deserve your love, time or respect.
Caregiving is a thanks less job...you might as well get use to that now. No one is going to through a parade in your honor.. You can choose to do it or not. Bring resentful is normal, but very useless and a waste of energy.
Caregivers always seem to get the short end of the stick, if you ask me. The "poor elders" are so sweet and helpless, and all that nonsense, while we slave away unacknowledged and often criticized by the armchair critics for what we're not doing or doing wrong, in their opinion. Resentment goes with the territory for the vast majority of caregivers willing to admit the truth!
You DO NOT "kinda just have to suck it up. Be Happy for your mom." Don't buy into that nonsense at all! There are always alternatives to giving hands-on/in home care for an elder, so I suggest you look into it before YOUR health suffers from stress and burn out. Give YOURSELF the gifts nobody else is giving you, that you deserve too. Hire in home care with mom/dad's money, or explore placement with Medicaid if finances are an issue.
I think your just looking for some acknowledgement that your doing a good job.
Caregiving is the most important job other than raising children, and the least acknowledged job.
Most of the time you take care of them day and night but they are rude, and ungrateful, or maybe greatfull but have no memory an hour later.
Ya kinda just have to suck it up. Be Happy for your mom.
And I know one thing, after all I've been though, the next time a friend is going through what I am. I am going to do a lot of dam nice things for her. No one has a clue how difficult this is until you are there
And your honesty in asking that question, there's nothing wrong with it or you. I think alot of us feel that way underneath at times
Why would you stay with a parent, caring for said parent, when you feel this resentful, Roger? I don't understand. It may help us to get a picture of your situation if you fill out your profile and/or tell us a bit about your parent, his or her diagnosis and prognosis, whether you live with said parent in his/her home, or he/she lives with you.
On the face of it, and with so little information from you I will only say that when we move from being a son/daughter/sister/brother to being a CAREGIVER we have voluntarily given up the former positions for the latter. We become "caregivers". The responsible ones. The ones who make the decision and the rules and are resented for said rules and decisions. This just naturally happens.
If you have decided that caregiving isn't for you, then slowly you will have to disintangle yourself from it with honesty, and with, undoubtedly, no little trouble. You are an adult and took this on. Now it doesn't suit, and when that is the case it is time to reclaim your own life.
I wish you well, and hope you will tell us more about your situation.
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I think there is a difference between resentment which is more of harmful emotion, and basic acceptance that we are being taken advantage of (if we choose to do that) and realize it comes with the territory
Others suggest just removing yourself from a situation where you feel resentment. But others of us do feel a responsibility to take care of loved ones to a certain degree and if we do that we acknowledge it wont always be fair.
You are correct though, resentment doesn't help. The family took his side and could care less about what I went through. In fact, they couldn't care less about me now. The resentment did that.
What I would say though, is be prepared for the absolute worst of everyone and everything. This profession draws it out.
Or just a thankyou now & then?
Start with your parent. Hand his/her a cup of tea & if no thankyou, say 'Thankyou Roger' yourself - outloud.
Sometimes you get taken for granted but a little prompt is all you need. To retrain. Even if they cannot speak, a kind look means the same.
Or is it other family, other people you would like a thankyou from? To be acknowledged & appreciated.
I think most caregivers don't care if they're being thanked for something or getting flowers and hugs as shows of gratitude.
I think what a family caregiver wants most from the family member they take care of is just basic respect. Also time off from that person is important.
(When I say 'you' in the following comments I do not literally mean you as in yourself)
Basic respect as in not treating that person like they are worthless garbage with nothing postive to contribute to human society.
Basic respect as in not making up lies about the family caregiver who literally wipes your a$$ and works like a slave day in and day out so you can "age in place". Also, not villifying them to others because you're bored and want more attention.
Basic respect in that you do not behave like an entitled, ingrate senior brat who's doing their family member a favor by "allowing" them to serve them.
Basic respect in that you don't "lash out" at the one who does for you because you want to hurt someone, or are in the mood to fight, or just want to complain and bring somebody down.
This is really what most caregivers really want. Not gratitude, not praise and gifts. Just basic respect from their "loved one".
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When you do it for a living like I did for 25 years, it's usually just as bad. Clients and their families more often than not think that the caregiver is a slave who works for the whole family that they can treat anyway they like.
I'm in the business end of homecare now and my long experience is useful in this business. I will tell you this truth, my friend. I would rather make my living walking the streets than work at hands-on caregiving again.
You have a choice though. If the resentment is setting in, you can choose to walk away from it and you should.
Honestly being a hands on caregiver is not a good experience, there are no benefits.
Me, I would never do it, I have 2 in a facility, one on AL the other in MC. I am not willing to give up my life, my mental well-being for another, makes zero sense to me.
There are other ways to handle this, like placing your parent. Because he doesn't want to go is his choice, as long as he is mentally competent to make this decision. As long as you keep him propped up he will always think he is independent.
You do not have to care for him. That is your choice, so with that, there is an acceptance level as no matter what you do, you will be criticized.
Might be time to reassess the entire arrangement.
I’m not a hand’s on caregiver for my mom because A) literally impossible B) it would kill me. But I have done everything else, still do, and have a philosophy that POA stands for, ‘Person of Aggravation’. Meaning, once you’re POA you have a big target on your back for complaints, unwanted opinions, and all manner of aggravating requests from the LO and everyone else who has NO CLUE what your experience is like.
I’ve delegated as much as I can, and play music, pet dogs, whatever, to alleviate feelings and have a life. As a Person Of Aggravation, I also get my own aggravation out on a full size martial arts bag I’ve nicknamed, The Therapist. My ‘Therapist’ keeps my feelings a secret, plus the more I see this therapist the better shape I get into, so I totally recommend this kind of therapy if your joints can take it.
Best to you!
One of them accused me of not taking my father to a parade. I'd never heard of the parade before that moment and when I told my father to talk to the guy, he got pissed off at me.
One of them accused me of not putting my father in a senior living center. My father wouldn't go and I couldn't force him.
The last one probably didn't care for his father for more than 15 minutes but decided I was a poor caregiver.
My father is loved, I'm hated, literally, my family won't talk to me. My aunt called me to ask where to toss my body when I died and that's been our only communication in months. I had really bad thrush, couldn't eat, lost 20 pounds, no one cared even a little bit in my family. In fact, I was being chewed out over something that literally didn't matter.
I'd tell you to not do this job. If I could go back in time, I'd have walked away and left my father and his shitty relatives behind and never have looked back. I have literally not received one iota of compassion from my extended family.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's terrible and the way you describe how your family treats you, absolutely disgusting.
I would tell such a family to stick it where the sun don't shine and cut them out of my life.
You with a cancer diagnosis have to be the top priority in your own life. Screw your family. Any family that would behave as you say yours does does not deserve your love, time or respect.
You DO NOT "kinda just have to suck it up. Be Happy for your mom." Don't buy into that nonsense at all! There are always alternatives to giving hands-on/in home care for an elder, so I suggest you look into it before YOUR health suffers from stress and burn out. Give YOURSELF the gifts nobody else is giving you, that you deserve too. Hire in home care with mom/dad's money, or explore placement with Medicaid if finances are an issue.
Best of luck to you.
Caregiving is the most important job other than raising children, and the least acknowledged job.
Most of the time you take care of them day and night but they are rude, and ungrateful, or maybe greatfull but have no memory an hour later.
Ya kinda just have to suck it up. Be Happy for your mom.
And I know one thing, after all I've been though, the next time a friend is going through what I am. I am going to do a lot of dam nice things for her. No one has a clue how difficult this is until you are there
And your honesty in asking that question, there's nothing wrong with it or you. I think alot of us feel that way underneath at times
It may help us to get a picture of your situation if you fill out your profile and/or tell us a bit about your parent, his or her diagnosis and prognosis, whether you live with said parent in his/her home, or he/she lives with you.
On the face of it, and with so little information from you I will only say that when we move from being a son/daughter/sister/brother to being a CAREGIVER we have voluntarily given up the former positions for the latter. We become "caregivers". The responsible ones. The ones who make the decision and the rules and are resented for said rules and decisions. This just naturally happens.
If you have decided that caregiving isn't for you, then slowly you will have to disintangle yourself from it with honesty, and with, undoubtedly, no little trouble.
You are an adult and took this on. Now it doesn't suit, and when that is the case it is time to reclaim your own life.
I wish you well, and hope you will tell us more about your situation.