I wrote quite awhile back. Update: 94 yr.old mom has been in asst. living since before all the Holidays and is still very upset and wants to go home.
Every single time I go over to visit, she states she can take care of herself at her own home. She can't. She barely weighs 80 lbs now. At home she was always falling and since we placed her in asst.living, she's had no falls. Last week at my visit she was sitting naked, from the waist down, in her room in a chair with a hand towel on her lap with feces all over it. She would not allow me to help her and was madder than a hornet and wanted to go out of her room, which, of course, I stopped her. Most days she's very angry. Only twice during my visits was she friendly and I was so happy seeing her appearing as though she was adjusting.
I did as everyone recommended and now I only go over once a week and even then I am nauseated to my stomach to visit, because she's so negative and I dread it. ( Long story short, we have never been close, she never showed interest in me as a child or adult unless there was something for her to gain). I want to help her, I know her dementia is getting worse and I continue to read daily on this site for as long as I can and it has helped me.
I know someone mentioned a very good read on dementia, what to expect and how to deal. Id like to get it, so need name of it please. I don't want you guys to read this and think I don't love her,...it's because I care that she's where she's at. Despite how she has always treated me, I never stopped loving her, I am just trying to cope myself as her life is most likely near its end and I need to accept she is not capable of giving me that love, so I need to hang onto what short periods of 'goodness', she can spare me.
Happy Easter to all of you.
5 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
She is an extremely experienced professional in this area.
https://teepasnow.com/
The best indepth info I came across was in this free online course. Not sure how deep you want your knowledge level to go, but I'll try to add a link.
Wicking Foundation
"Understanding Dementia"
via University of Tasmania (Australia)
https://mooc.utas.edu.au
https://mooc.utas.edu.au/course/20223
Mary, my neighbour had that angry stage for about 6 months. That 'I hate you-you put me here-I want to go home'.
Adjustment improved as the Mother became more confused as to day, time & location. As she became more confused, she had less anger & became more pleasantly confused.
Mary, I hope your Mom gets to a better stage soon.
Type in the subject on google or any other search engine and 1,000s of things to read will show up.
Also watch Teepa Snow videos. They are on Youtube. Just type her name into your search engine.
Thing for you to know is that your mother's brain cannot function now for her own safety and to protect herself. That's why she needs to be protected and in care.
She may not ever like this.
Not everything can be fixed.
She may remain unhappy about this for the remainder of her life, but there is absolutely nothing that you can do about that. Just understand that she cannot understand any more.
Mom is one of those who was always swimming in her own misery and blamed everyone else for it. She also has depression, only now, it's so hard to be around her , not that it was ever easy. I really do want her to have some peace and me as well. Like you said, not everything can be fixed...I can though make more effort to understand her, so will get the books and watch Teepa. Your advice is always spot on for me, thanks. Everyone on this forum has been so helpful
ADVERTISEMENT
Above is the link to an excellent book on Amazon I highly recommend to everyone who has a loved one suffering from dementia.
Hopefully your mom is in Memory Care Assisted Living and not regular AL. There's a big difference between the two. I also recommend you get moms doctor to order a hospice evaluation for her. Hospice was able to get my mother calmed down with a regular schedule of Ativan which was a blessing. She was approved for hospice under the Medicare code of "Senile Degeneration of the Brain " which is dementia. She was given a hospital bed and a high backed wheelchair right away. Along with an RN to check on her and a CNA to bathe her 3x a week in bed. A chaplain was available and a social worker as well, to help ME as much as mom. She died 2 months later, peacefully, at 95.
Of course you love your mother, unquestionably. It's just a horrible experience to go thru something like this and to witness the dramatic decline and them losing their minds completely. My mother lashed out at me something fierce, blaming me for all her troubles in life. It was hurtful and ugly all the time. The only relief I got was when she passed, honestly. Now I know she's at peace, finally, and the suffering has ended for both of us.
Sending you a hug and a prayer for strength.