Mom is overly concerned about “her kids.” Are my kids in the house? Where are my kids? I have to go home and fix my kids supper. Etc…. Her son, my husband, will be 60 years old this year. We realize she is regressing back to their childhood and is looking to care for her children as children and not adults with families of their own. She also had a daughter, which has passed on. It is strange because she knows her son by name. She knows she had a son which she named, but often thinks he is her “little brother.” What do you all believe may be the most beneficial way to answer these questions? I usually just tell her the kids are in the bath, downstairs in their rooms, or at school. She asks nearly every day to go home to help Mommy and Daddy on the farm. She had 2 sisters and 2 brothers which are all deceased. She is the only one of her family left at 79 years old. Often asks about deceased siblings. Sometimes I feel as though none of the answers (fibs) we give her, ever satisfy her and so we answer repeated tough questions over and over. Any advice appreciated as to how to lovingly answer and possibly satisfy her curiosity.
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When she asks where my brother is, I always tell her "he's gone home", and that satisfies her.
When she asks about her parents, I usually tell her "I haven't spoken with them today". Same thing with her deceased siblings.
My dad is always "at work".
There is no need to tell her that they're all dead because it breaks her heart in the moment.
Telling her that everyone is just fine and all is well and it's a beautiful day goes a long way in avoiding anxiety and upsetting her.
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"The kids are reading a book." then redirect "Do you want to walk the dog now or later?
"The kids are out playing." then redirect "Do you want chicken or meat for dinner?
"It is raining today at the farm so we can't go help." redirect "What do you want for breakfast?
"You must really like helping on the farm. What to you like doing on the farm? Then stop and listen.
"You must be a big help to your Mom and Dad on the farm." redirect Do you want pancakes or waffles for breakfast?
On the redirection statement it helps if you ask a question.
We would just makes sounds of hearing her, we would say, you know those kids, always busy and anything that would put her mind to rest for the moment, then redirect. Nothing stopped it but time.
She benefited greatly from having a life sized baby doll. She had something tangible to put her attention on and to nurture. Maybe your mom would find comfort in something like that.
I had tried a life size baby doll a couple of months ago, with no interest at that time. It’s worth a shot to try that again. Thank you for the reminder. I agree, It is definitely not curiosity when she doesn’t realize her son is an adult. It is so sad to watch a once very successful, independent store owner lose her independence and unable to take care of herself and have to fully rely on us and others for her every need. Alzheimer’s/Dementia definitely destroys the brain cells and is such a cruel disease.
1. When she doesn't recognize her son, maybe have him walk out of the room, then walk in again wearing something else. I found out that doing something like this may occasionally trick them into recognizing you by accident. I had noticed that sometimes, if I happened to change out of my house clothes to go out, when I'd walk back into the room, it jogged something. I'm not saying this will work 100% or even 1% of the time but it's worth a try.
2. Humor her, like you've been doing (tell her that her kids are busy somewhere.) It's all you can do sometimes. My mother will frequently look at me straight in the eye and say, "rcnyc2364, where is rcnyc2364?" When I say I am her, she will firmly say, "No, you are not her. I am looking for my daughter." Or she'll ignore me and say, "Oh, you have the same name as my daughter." Unfortunately, that's how dementia is. There's no getting around it.
I have not seen him for a while. When did you last speak to him?
What are you planning for dinner?
What needs to be done on the farm today?
Do you remember the vacation we took to____with aunt or uncle?
It may take the burden off of the cycling question to focus on an event with that person.
I'm perfectly happy lying to my mum, even though I don't make a habit of being untruthful. That's because I'm very practical over matters, like this - I take after my mum!
However, I realise that many others would fret over the ethics of lying, especially to loved ones. (I worry about the ethics of causing unnecessary pain.)
So, I hope that lots of people see your comment, and are able to reframe their thinking about not being completely straight when talking to their loved ones with dementia.