What should one do when their first response to a LO is to get mad or aggrevated?

Strugglinson,

You have to learn how to compartmentalize. This is how people in certain professions like medicine, the care field, the military, and police work are able to cope with their jobs without the stress of them spilling over into the other parts of their lives. But even the best of us have to back away and stop.

No one in this world is perfect and no one has an unlimited supply of patience though. Your feelings of aggravation towards your father is more common than you think. It's called burnout. Myself personally, I cannot ever take care of another elderly person. My patience level for any dementia-related or old-age related behaviors or conditions is zero. That's because I was a caregiver to elderly people and my own abusive mother for 25 years.

You are correct is taking a big step back from your situation. Your father is in AL. They are paid to care for him and handle the "emergency" nonsense. It's their job, not yours.


You could also change your phone number so your father can't call you or leave anymore messages. Then give the new number to the AL administrator so they can call you if needs be. If yyou want to talk to your father on the phone, call the facility and have someone get him.

I have a friend (also a homecare worker) who placed her mother in an AL. She solved the problem of the constant phone calls, "emergencies" and threatening voicemails night and day about what her mother would do if she didn't pick up, very simply.

She got another another phone. She kept the old phone and number active and it was used only for her mother. So all the "emergencies" all hours of the night, the nonsense rants, and the threatening voicemails of what her mom was going to do if she didn't pick up immediately she could ignore and did.

Sometimes she'd listen to a couple and if she wanted to she'd respond. It didn't even cost her much to have the second phone. It's something worth considering. It's been working for my friend for a few years now.

Please for your own sake, take that step back from your father and let nothing force you to step in again. This is what's best for both of you.

SS, let me tell you a story.

After we moved my mom, age 88 to Independent Living, because everything in her life had become an emergency, I was shopping with her at Bed Bath and Beyond. Where she regularly used 10 coupons for purchases of 10 items. I digress.

Mom needed cortisone cream. We went to the aisle where that product what kept. Mind you, this is the woman who taught me to read labels and see what percentages were in products.

She picked up a package and showed it to me. I said "mom, that doesn't have cortisone in it". "But it says 'anti itch creme', she said.

In a flash, I got that my mom was no longer there person she had been, and that she needed something different from me.

I stopped expecting logic; I started giving simple reasons for things. I adjusted my narrative away from truth and logic to "what does she need to know" and "can she use/comprehend this?".

I think you need a paradigm shift away from your former relationship with your dad.

Thanks - great answers and discussion - hopefully others are learning from this as well as me. Thinking about it, a lot of it boils down to me/us changing our frame of mind to focus on what they NEED, not what they WANT....

It's nothing you can control, it's called caregiver burnout. You must've had times before the AL where you were caregiver and all the weight was on your shoulders. You don't mean to be ugly, it isn't who we are! Now, you're more at ease and feel better. Then there's all the calls? I would think, now what? They are supposed to be there for my Mom! Don't let it get to you, elders have no track of time. Eventually, you'll be like I was. Where were you? Why didn't you answer? I'd phone the facility, is mom OK? I got more upset when I didn't get any calls. They would charge her phone and leave it out of reach or not charge it and leave it in reach. Didn't you just get him in AL just awhile ago? Could be the transition period,that takes some time with the difference in accommodations. It will sink in if you say it enough, I'm busy, sleeping, working and the "if I don't get off the phone I'm going to get in trouble with the boss!" As they say,this too will pass. Then if you remember Saturday night live and Roseanne Roseannadanna,
"IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING!" Laugh a little.

You have to ignore what they say sometimes . even if it’s a question . Don’t always answer. Like when you ignore a toddler who keeps asking for something and you have already said “ no”. he may give up .

Change the conversation or just tell him to use his call bell and say goodbye and hang up, or leave his facility during a visit . You have to run the conversation , not Dad. Like running a meeting at work, you decide the topics and when it ends . I used to point blank at times say “ I’m not discussing that “.

Well here we go - since I didnt answer the 1AM call, Dad woke up at 10:30AM, and trying to call me at work now (I didnt answer and let it go to VM)

Well, if he's mad at me for not answering at 1AM or at work, fine.. good!
I'm at that point now. I 'm not going to feel bad about it. If a narc is mad at you, perhaps thats a good thing!

The phone calls because they didn’t understand to call the staff didht bother me. The pure guilt trip calls did , as well as the visits where they threw grenades .

My mother settled down to a degree, as she got further along in dementia .
My FIL never did , he guilt tripped 90 % of the visits.

You’ll eventually find peace strugglin . I finally did after my Mom died . But dealing with FIL and probably now facing similar with MIL brought back the emotions .

I get aggravated a lot with my mothers BS. I don’t call my parents anymore. I see them a lot during the months I’m back to visit. I don’t want to hear from them otherwise because just thinking about them gets my blood pressure up.

My mother is accusing people of stealing from her lately. It gets me aggravated because I know it’s not true. But I guess she probably now has dementia and this is how it goes.

This is an important issue. Probably my biggest regret in caring for my mom, who recently passed, is that I was aggravated most of the time. I'm trying to forgive myself, but in hindsight, I wish I had set better boundaries and not allowed myself to become so totally responsible for her care.

I did everything she wanted (almost) the WAY she wanted it done, and she had no regard for how deeply it was hurting my health and my life. I was seething with resentment, and would have been a better daughter had I not been coerced into the primary caregiver role.

I saw your other post. I wouldn't go as far as to have your dad assigned a state appointed guardian. I would, however, cut back on the frequency, and more importantly, the lengths of your visits. Then as far as the "management" goes, I would set a weekly time frame, say one afternoon a week to make all of dad's appointments, pay bills, make calls, do banking, etc. Then everything that comes up on other days gets postponed until the scheduled day.

Just some suggestions from someone who's done it, and wished she had done it differently. Good luck.

thanks. Good idea to put a note next to phone saying "push the call button first"

as for the night calls, not sure what I can do. Just have phone on silent and hopefully sleep through them I guess.

Meds for anxiety is a key issue. He refuses any type of med for anything "psychiatric". Hard to even "force" it, as he quizzes the staff even about each pill he is being given, every day.... One day, I may need to speak more with his Primary Geriatrician about how it could be forced. Maybe when dementia gets worse he will stop the paranoia of asking every day every time about each pill he is being given and what its for, and just take them

My step-mother is in MC. She had a phone with a teleprompter on it, she kept seeing my and my brothers #'s, kept calling us and saying "Did you call me"? No, you keep calling us!

Anyway, we removed the phone, we now call at the nurses station if we need to talk to her, really don't call as she does not know who she is talking to nor does she understand what we are saying.

If there is an emergency the facility calls us. She has no need for a phone.

I am one of those people who do not overthink everything, I do what feels right one can make themselves crazy worrying about every little thing when it comes to dealing with someone with dementia, as there is no rhyme or reason.

You have to try to ignore the repetitive bullsh*t guilt trip phone calls .

Be available only for the emergencies if that’s all you can do.

I went back and forth too , feeling guilty , aggravated , sad , bad , feeling like I should visit more blah blah blah etc.

Acknowledge that it sucks and can’t be fixed . No matter what you do your Dad is going to be how he is.

Accept your own limitations to deal with it. I looked after both my parents for 10 years , before they both passed , one had dementia. That was enough for me .
I even lost patience last year with my own DH when he had surgery.

Then when my FIL got dementia my DH and I burned out within a year of him driving us crazy . The last 6 months my DH only visited him once a week , sometimes less . DH burned out and got aggravated easily over every little ridiculous thing all day long some days even if it had nothing to do with his father . FIL has passed on 3 months ago and now we are facing another similar sh*t show with my MIL.

I wish I had a better answer . Between my narc mother with dementia and my very entitled FIL with dementia , 12 out of the last 15 years of this has done us in.

One day it will end, then you are left with the chore to reconcile it all in your head and hopefully find peace again .

Everyone always says, take care of yourself , see friends do hobbies etc.
It can be difficult to do when you are burned out and feel stuck in this never ending loop of dealing with these difficult situations.

When I would go to a facility I would envy and feel guilt when seeing the families that looked like they were genuinely enjoying their visit with their LO.

I hope you find some peace strugglinson. In the meantime , it’s ok to get mad and aggravated , let it out. I used to ocassionally purposefully take things out to my garage and smash them .

I’m still working on reconciling it all in my head and finding peace

I spent 10.5 years dealing with my parents in IL, AL and MC. There was rarely a time I didn't feel aggravated with all I was being put thru. When folks refuse to accept your boundaries, they are disrespecting YOU, and resentment ensues. You can have the patience of Job and still resentment seeps in after a barrage of missed calls comes thru in one day with no missed calls from admin at the AL, meaning NOTHING IS WRONG with dad.

You'll step back when the aggravation and resentment reach a point that it's affecting your wellbeing and your health. You can't fix any of this and once you realize dad's being cared for and is safe, it WILL happen. Not that the aggravation will end when the non stop calls come in......it likely won't. But dementia reaches a point (normally) where the elder forgets how to use the phone and the calls stop. The key is figuring out how to take care of YOURSELF in the meantime. Shut your phone off at night, for one. Allow yourself to sleep in peace. That's a good start.

You aren't going to be able to supress being annoyed.
Be a bit more easy on yourself. Let the emotion come and then get over it.
You intellectually have an excellent grasp here on the fact you are dealing with dementia in a difficult senior, strugglin. On a good day you can perhaps look at that pile of messages sitting there like a steaming pile of dog doo, and giggle, shrug, and move on. On a bad day, a hard day, a day you are grieving that it has come to this and will not likely ever be better until he is gone----on that day you will either break down in tears or be furious. And that's just a normal human reaction.
Don't expect to be godlike; that's hubris of a kind. Don't expect to be a Saint. As I always say that's a real nasty job description.

Just know you;re not alone.
The few times I had words with my wonderful bro, in the depths of his agony from Lewy's, hurt me still. Once I responded to this gentle man with anger and he said sadly to me "Well, I can show you all my beautiful letters and notes from my little sister telling me how wonderful I am; what about all those? Did you not mean it?"
We had so few bad moments together, and so many of laughter and honesty and grief. But those few moments hurt me still, and I think the tough part, when we try to be good people, is in a single moment of failure. That's us not being fair to ourselves.

Be fair to yourself, S. To the extent you are able. We decent people in this world are our own worst critics.

"Respond, don't react"

"Understand what is within your control and what is not"

Meditate for 10 minutes a day.

Remember that if there is an emergency, the facility will call you.

I once worked for a huge company that had a course in Effective Human Relations. The first step in a conflict was always Step Back.

What does that mean? It means not to jump in and cause a ruckus just because a guy stepped on your lunch bucket. First thing to do is back off. See what the other guy does and says (it's usually revelatory and shows you what HE is thinking so you can wisely choose your next words and/or actions). Maybe he's just clumsy. Maybe he didn't see the lunch bucket. Maybe his dog died that morning. Give yourself time to figure things out before engaging.

When you act right away, you forfeit that option. And chances are you might cool down after he tells you about the dog, and you might offer him a sandwich.

Of course he's already smushed the sandwich into a pancake, but at least you didn't hit him. And you can get back to work on schedule, which benefits the company.

For me I think it's about putting yourself in there shoes, and learn more about the aging brain, and the body, and what happens, feeling more empathy, and putting up boundaries, sticking to them. Not doing more than you know you can mentally handle.

But also understanding for your peace you need to compartmentalize this crap that we go through and practice letting it go when you are having time with others.

I took my mom everyplace I went for 3 yrs. I actually went to Kohl's last week , by myself for the first time, with no guilt about not bringing my mom, no shopping for her, or looking at anything she needs or wants. It was a total ME shopping trip , for the first time in so long. It really helps with the resentment, which leads to aggravating

Understanding arthritis, and all the stuff that's going on with them while they age. Understanding how scary this is for them to when they can't remember things.