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DesertRose7 Asked April 4, 2024

Horrible guilt over not being able to be with mom daily in hospital in another city.

While my mom has been doing well in ALC in town where we live, yesterday the center took her to local ER because she became disoriented and slurring her words. Local ER diagnosed possible heart attack and sepsis. Helicopter flight to a larger hospital in a city about 2 hours from home. They told me that she has septic shock and put her into the ICU. Wonderful hospital staff is keeping me apprised of status and a nurse even put my mom on her cell so I could talk to her. That was heart wrenching. Mom is hysterical and crying and nurse had to end call. I work full time and have a special needs son who needs my attention and who does not need to see his grandmother in this state. I am driving over to see mom later this afternoon, leaving work early, but I am overcome with guilt that I can’t just stay with her at the hospital. She is receiving expert care but with her age of 94 she may not survive this. Has anyone else gone through this gut wrenching situation? I guess I just need some supportive words.

cover9339 Apr 22, 2024
I'm so sorry

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

Southernwaver Apr 15, 2024
Please accept my condolences, Rose, on the loss of your mother. I’m sorry your mom died.
DesertRose7 Apr 22, 2024
Thank you

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Madisoncuckoo7 Apr 15, 2024
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Thank goodness for the kind nurses and hospice team. I hope your next days are calm and bring you peace…
DesertRose7 Apr 15, 2024
Thank you.
waytomisery Apr 15, 2024
So sorry for your loss .

AlvaDeer Apr 14, 2024
Oh, Rose, hon. I am SO sorry.

This was my fear for your Mom from the beginning. Like I told you, I lost my bro to sepsis, and he himself lost the love of his life who was only in his early 30s, a new professor after years of education, to sepsis from a ruptured bowel. Sepsis is just almost impossible.
You were prepared and you had WONDERFUL support and I am so very thankful for that, and I thank you so much for updating us about your sad loss.
My heart goes out to you. I truly wish you the best. I am so thankful you had support on this journey and could be there for your Mom.
DesertRose7 Apr 15, 2024
Thank you so much. Your answers to my questions were so very helpful. Thank you for all of your wonderful advice and support. Sorry about your brother. Sepsis is truly a monster. 🙏🏻. Blessings to you.
JoAnn29 Apr 14, 2024
So sorry for your loss
DesertRose7 Apr 14, 2024
Thank you so much.
LilyLavalle Apr 14, 2024
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. It must have been such a blessing to have hospice there to make her passing “a beautiful and peaceful experience”. I wish all the care givers on this forum could have this kind of support when the time comes. May God uphold you in this difficult time. ❤️🙏
DesertRose7 Apr 14, 2024
Thank you. Yes, I had never experienced hospice and did not know what to expect but those people are angels.
Fawnby Apr 13, 2024
My deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved mother.
DesertRose7 Apr 14, 2024
Thank you.
Rbuser1 Apr 13, 2024
I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom.
DesertRose7 Apr 13, 2024
Thank you.
golden23 Apr 13, 2024
Deepest condolences on the loss of your mom. I'm glad she passed peacefully.
DesertRose7 Apr 13, 2024
Thank you.
BarbBrooklyn Apr 13, 2024
Rose, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.
DesertRose7 Apr 13, 2024
Thank you.
MACinCT Apr 9, 2024
This is for just in case when you visit. Make sure you have meaningful conversations in case it is your last. This may help alleviate your guilt as you are also in pain. If she wants to talk about her health feelings , let her and acknowledge them. Even if you do not know how to respond. Always end your visit wit you will see her again. You can also speak to a grievance counsellor. Be open to if it is time to talk hospice. Be open if she improves to discharge that she may need an increased level of care.

AlvaDeer Apr 8, 2024
Rose's update to us 40 min ago:
"Just an update: this weekend was a roller coaster ride. Mom’s vitals improved and she was moved from ICU to a regular room on Friday. She seemed to be doing well until yesterday when she complained of not being able to breathe and then her heart rate went back up. She is accumulating fluid in her lungs and her hands and feet are swelling but the hospital is treating her for that. Right now it’s just wait and see how she responds."

Rose, I am so sorry to hear this. In sepsis this isn't a good sign because what you fight to do is get the infection hit with antibiotic-bombs while you keep heart rate down and blood pressure up. It is a huge battle for some when the antibiotics cannot wipe out the infection fast enough, or when the organs start to shut down before you can get the patient well. The heart and lungs are the most at risk. I hope that you know what your mom would wish in terms of heroic actions, because sounds, with the fluid, as if there is heart failure now, and the lungs will be involved soon/ or may be. I myself (am in my 80s) would not want a ventilator. I hope you are mom's MPOA and that you know what she would want in this battle, because sepsis is a total bear, and I am afraid they will perhaps soon come to you with wanting to know what heroic measures they should try to take. They may gently guide you in what they feel best options are, but if you are POA you may have to make these decisions.
I am so very sorry. This is, you are correct, a rollercoaster often, but when the organs fail it is sometimes almost impossible for the person to survive intact. I am so sorry. You are being well informed and I am so glad of that.
DesertRose7 Apr 13, 2024
Thank you for your kind words of wisdom. Today, my mom passed just after lunchtime. She had been fighting but, just as you explained in your response, her heart was weak and her lungs were failing. I am her MPOA so I was responsible for everything on her behalf. I did put her with hospice on Thursday, and those people are wonderful. They were with her when I could not be there, and they were with me every step of the way. They were with me when she passed. I really did not feel that I wanted to watch her die, but the care and support by both the hospital and the hospice staff made her passing a beautiful and peaceful experience. My son and I were there with her and I believe our presence and all the love and care made her feel at peace. Of course, it will take time to get over her passing but she was 94, going on 95, and she lived a full and happy life.

Thank you to everyone on this forum whose words and advice are so very much appreciated. Losing a loved one is a hard thing and each one of you has helped make this journey easier. God bless you all.
BarbBrooklyn Apr 8, 2024
Rose, sorry to hear there is a set back. Hoping for good news!

strugglinson Apr 5, 2024
do what you can do. Its great you were able to drive over there. spend what time you can. Can other family members cover the other hours? it takes teamwork in these situations
strugglinson Apr 5, 2024
you have your hands full. please be reassured that you are trying and doing your best given the situation and your responsibilities.
cover9339 Apr 4, 2024
I'm so sorry and really hope she makes it without much "damage"

Sadly recovering from Septic Shock can be a long road.

🙏🏾 to she and you

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
DesertRose7 Apr 5, 2024
Thank you. I just got a call from her doctor at the ICU and her vitals are improving, so is the infection. Her heart rate is still too high so they are treating her for that. It’s wonderful that this hospital keeps me in the loop and notifies me for everything. Makes me feel better. We are hoping for a good recovery and know that time will tell.
strugglinson Apr 4, 2024
This is a horrible situation to be in. My mother was acutely ill with COVID when in England 3 years ago. I tried to rush there, but did not make it in time to see her alive.
I'm sorry you are in this type of situation

Windyridge Apr 4, 2024
I took care of my parents from 700 miles away. It was tough, lots of guilt but they were stubborn, would not move to my area and I was not going to rearrange my life to move home.

I made regular trips, usually when a crisis hit, mom had numerous falls and broken bones. They were in assisted living at that point. It was awfully hard to rush down, check up on everything, manage the crisis and then go home. I would get exhausted, stressed out and had huge guilt trips.

I had to practice “Head Trumps Heart”. You have to be rational. My folks were not rational any longer, had no judgment or decision making abilities. I know if in their right minds they would never have wanted me to completely sacrifice my life to hang for weeks at a time in a rehab facility or hospital with mom.

I did the best I could given the hand were were dealt. Mom and Dad are gone now. I’m at peace with my decisions in their care.
DesertRose7 Apr 5, 2024
Thank you. I am getting lots of support from family (most are far away but their support is so helpful). So is the support I’m getting from this forum. Thank you all. It was pretty painful to have to tell the hospital that she is DNR and DNI but I’m still the one in charge of her affairs so they come to me to confirm these things.
BarbBrooklyn Apr 4, 2024
DesertRose, I'm so sorry to hear of your mom's illness.

My mom went into septic shock from a UTI at her nursing home. Along with IV antibiotics , the ER/ICU folks put her on a BiPap and it was touch and go for a while. But she survived. Take heart. (((Hugs)))
DesertRose7 Apr 5, 2024
Thank you for your response. I visited her yesterday and her vitals have improved. She’s still very confused but she can talk to me fairly well. Plus, the wonderful nurses there give her their cell phones throughout the day so I can talk to her. That is wonderful.
AlvaDeer Apr 4, 2024
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix it.
You are doing everything you can.
So guilt isn't appropriate.
Guilt requires that you both CAUSED something, AND that you did it with malice aforethought, and that you took JOY in your evil act, AND that you refuse to remedy it.

You are looking at helplessness, grief and worry.
THOSE YOU CAN OWN, but please don't let me hear you use the word guilt when it has nothing to do with this situation.

I am very sorry. My own brother died of sepsis. It is horrifically dangerous if the person is resistant to current antibiotics.
Happily most do have a good response to antibiotics currently available, and GLADLY your mother was airlifted to a good hospital emergently and will have the best minds working for her/working on her.
Be certain all are informed of her wishes and her advance directive if she has one.

I can't know if you have trusted family or friend to watch son. If so, this will be touch and go for a few days and you will want to be near her IF YOU ARE ABLE.
If you are NOT, then you are NOT.

I want to tell you as a retired RN that almost NO ONE ever remembers being in ICU when very ill. There is a kind of amnesia. She won't know if you are there or not, you cannot help, and she will be medicated. In some dire cases they actually put someone in what is called a "medically induced coma" in order to relieve anxiety because in sepsis all major organs, including and especially heart and lungs are under assault and the person needs not to be also anxious.

I am so sorry. Thinking of you. Hoping you will update us.
DesertRose7 Apr 4, 2024
Thank you for your response. I’ve had posts here before regarding my mom and your responses are always thoughtful and so very helpful. I’m sorry to hear about your brother. I’ve done some reading on sepsis and it’s very scary, but she is in a very good hospital to treat it. Thank you for your suggestions and that are helpful.
Anxietynacy Apr 4, 2024
Oh I'm so sorry that has to be so hard, there are caregiving service they could stay with your mom, so you worry less, and be sure she has all her needs met while she is there.
If there is funds for it.
Good luck, my heart goes out to you
DesertRose7 Apr 5, 2024
Thank you for the kind response. I visited her yesterday and the nurses are letting her have their phones so she can talk to me when I can’t be there. Her doctor just called and her vitals are all improving except her heart rate is still too high. They are treating for that. I think she is in very good hands at this hospital. That makes me feel much better.

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