Katybr Asked April 4, 2024

Dealing with judgment over my decision for husband’s care.

I have a husband of 47 years with FTD and recently went through Palliative Care to help find me the best LTC I can afford. Long story short, we found a phenomenal place 5 minutes from home which is top notch in every way. I moved him there this week and it was traumatic for all our family. I cried nonstop driving home and wondered if I should go back and bring him home.

Everyone I know from Canada, West Coast (I live on East Coast) texted or called to ask how it went and HOW AM I? I was a mess. I miss him so much.

I noticed my friend of 42 years across the street never contacted me nor texted. She loved my husband and we all were friends as couples. I called her (finally, like a jerk) and asked why I hadn’t heard from her and I’m all alone now etc. She said “oh was I supposed to call?” Huh??? So I told her about the ordeal and she listened and proceeded to tell me that if I had put him in a substandard facility she would have nothing to do with me again! I told her that that was not nice - not everyone can afford $15,000/month! Then she starts in on a neighbor who’s dying of leukemia and his wife is keeping him home with Hospice care. That’s hardly the same thing! OMG! I think - and have thought - she may be getting dementia herself. Her sister just passed away at 71 of LBD and both her parents had Alzheimer’s. She’s 79. I find her getting meaner and more judgmental of everything except her grandchildren. I am getting bad vibes and want to stay away for a while. She told me a month ago that I should do what I have to do because the situation here was getting impossible for just me alone. The doctors he has all agree he needs to be placed - SOON. I’m burned out and he’s deteriorating. I know now I made the correct decision. How do I handle this neighbor/friend? She seems unfazed by my emotional distress and I’m very hurt. I could always get good advice from her as she’s also a retired RN.

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Whatever the reasons are for your friend to be treating you this way, it is time to move on.

You had good sound reasons why you made the decisions you did and your friend had no right to babe judgemental and cruel.

She us not supportive and cruel. She is no longer a friend.

Helpful Answer (8)

Exactly. The only reason she said this crap is because she has never had to deal with home care herself. You should have offered to have her take care of your husband herself. I'll bet she would of lasted about a week before begging you to take him back.

(0)

Don’t place so much value on what one idiot thinks.

Helpful Answer (7)

Sounds like a judgmental B*tch to me.
Just a month ago, she tells you to "do what you have to do?" Wow.

My siblings were horrible when my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.
They were no moral support, and didn't attend his military funeral. He never did anything to deserve it. Neither did I.

When I hear the BS about "family is everything" I am justifiably disgusted. I cut them off 22 years ago, and don't miss their crap either. Hold you head high high and do what you know in your heart is right.

I suggest you get your advice elsewhere, since it's clear hers is worthless.
Cut her off. Pretend she doesn't exist. You have enough to deal with.

Helpful Answer (7)

I feel the same way about the “family is everything” comment, too! Stage 4 cancer? Military funeral? People are so ignorant and horrible.
I do get advice from people other than her all of the time. I worked with a great group of women and after getting laid off in Covid we’re still in contact and meet for lunch, talk on the phone, etc. This woman just happens to live right across the street and our kids all grew up together so we were great friends for decades. But, there are big changes I see (none have to do with me) in personality and I wonder if the family genes are kicking in like I mentioned above. Toxic to stay with someone like that so I guess it’s “ta ta…….”

(3)

What others think of you is none of your business. Remember that and repeat the line often until it sinks in.

It's very easy for your former friend and neighbor to be the Armchair Critic here, knowing absolutely nothing about your day to day life dealing with FTD. Yet feels entitled to give you free advice, unsolicited, about what you "should" be doing and blah blah blah. Do yourself a big favor and choose to have nothing further to do with HER now, regardless of what decision she reaches on the matter. It would be comical if it weren't so ridiculous. She'll have nothing further to do with you if you placed dh in a substandard facility! 🙄

Eliminate toxic people and energy vampires from your life now as you focus on staying healthy yourself. Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you, who empathize with what a difficult situation YOU are going thru. Treat yourself with kindness and accept nothing less from others.

May God help you realize you made the best decision possible, and keep you healthy, body and mind.

Helpful Answer (6)

Thank you for your wisdom. I know that you should eliminate toxic people - even if they’re family - from your life. I have to start a new normal being alone and she should be there for me like my other friends.
Actually, all of you above are correct. 100%! So, I guess part of my new normal is to cut the relationship off.
‘Thanks for all the advice and so quickly!

(4)

Listen to your bad vibes . Stay away .
You could be correct and something is off with her. You don’t need to deal with her unpredictable lousy comments . Your neighbor’s possible issues are not your concern either . You have enough to deal with already .

Don’t call her anymore . If you hear from her , tell her everything is fine and cut the conversion short with an , “ I have to go now “. Don’t tell her your business anymore .

Helpful Answer (6)

She is no longer your friend. It's sad, but sometimes we have to leave people behind to preserve ourselves. I'm so sorry, but you have other friends, and you still have a lot on your mind with your husband.

No need to formally declare the end of the friendship, just drift away.

Helpful Answer (6)

One rule of caregiving.
We do not accept any judgement, some constructive criticism is OK.
I could be dealing with similar situation.
My husband with Parkinson’s deteriorating at terrifying speed lately and will perhaps be not mobile soon.
With all complexities of this disease either,
A. We go to AL to stay together, not good for me as I am too independent and healthy and not ready for 20 years. But, financially necessary to live in very good place.
B. If he deteriorates at this pace he will need as per his neurologist LTC. It is beyond my understanding to deal with such complex disease with so many symptoms and most caregivers don’t know it as well.
At this point regardless of what happens I am going to join some women’s groups around here, for hikes, walks, visiting galleries, coffees, lunches, travel, yoga and more.
I need to reinvent myself, re-invigorate my life away from illness.
And I know some friends will be gone.

Helpful Answer (5)

Evamar ,
So sorry for both of you regarding your husband’s rapidly changing condition .

(2)

Why would you talk to such a jerk? Or care what s/he thinks?

Helpful Answer (4)

Well, Barb, it’s because she’s a friend of over 40 years who’s had my back and vice versa. She has been very caring and filled in when family couldn’t in situations while raising our kids together. So, this lack of interest or “empathy” is not something I’m used to from her. She’s made us homemade soups all winter “just because”, etc. I noticed she’s been acting bizarre like this with another person whose husband is terminal. She has a very healthy husband so I’d think she’d feel grateful for her life. I agree 100% that I shouldn’t care what someone like that says, but, it’s not like I just met her! Her and her husband are like family. It’s very sad. Probably will be the end of a long friendship and I’ve already lost so much. Life stinks sometimes. I have a great group of friends, that are all concerned about me and send nice texts about this transition. No texts from this particular person. And to add to what I said - she doesn’t text hardly at all, is technologically enept to a fault, so expecting a text is laughable. She hasn’t even figured out how to send pictures correctly yet! OMG 😆! I’ve suspected dementia for years because she can’t seem to grasp ANYTHING with her iPhone nor other things that require memory, etc. except her grandchildren- 12 of them. That’s all she talks about.

(3)

I’m sorry for your hurt in this. It’s always good to feel supported in big, life changing decisions and disappointing when others don’t react appropriately. In this case, you have enough on your plate as you adjust to living on your own and in your new role as your husband’s advocate in his new setting. Don’t take on worrying over what a bothersome neighbor thinks, or even whether she may have a mental decline herself. That’s for another time if at all. Rest well, knowing your husband will be safe and cared for by people trained in his condition. Let the neighbor drama go. I wish you peace

Helpful Answer (4)

Thank you for your kind words. I am dealing solely on my grief over hubby and not her. Looking back I realize her personality has been changing an not for the good so I’m just letting her fade away. I plan on downsizing soon anyway and will get a new start. Hopefully, sooner than later.

(2)