Do your friends understand what being a primary caregiver involves?

Its like anything else. Empathy is learned thru scar tissue. Until your friends have walked your path, they have no idea what caregiving is all about.....not a clue. Which is why support groups are so helpful. We all "get it".

No one understands unless/until they have been a caregiver. I know I had no inkling of what an all-consuming, soul-sucking, life-altering type of work it is. It drains the joy from your present and makes you dread aging.

I agree with all others who posted previously. No one truly knows what is like unless they have walked in your shoes.

People can be obnoxious at times. Especially those who are Pollyanna types. They are constantly trying to convince others that things ‘aren’t so bad’ or that there is a ‘silver lining.’ They believe that ‘everything happens for a reason.’

Life stinks at times. You know it. I know it. So, just let them live in their delusional fantasy world if they want to.

If they run into problems themselves in the future, they’ll realize what you went through.

I have had others tell me after they experienced similar issues tell me that they were sorry for not understanding what it was like for me as a caregiver. I appreciated that they finally acknowledged how hard it is to be a caregiver.

My caregiver days are over now. My parents are deceased. I’m very sorry that you are struggling. I wish you peace.

All answers here to your question are good. I will turn it around just a bit too. I realized once at a little tea party with my friends that I no longer had anything to talk about besides my mom. My friends were talking about their travels and all they were doing and were so excited about their lives. I actually apologized at one point for having only news about my mom. The table went quiet and then they all wanted to know more about her. Of course they didn't understand, as none of them had done caregiving, but I did not fit into their conversations either. I didn't feel envious or anything like that, but just felt for the first time on the outside of this group, not because they didn't understand, but because I didn't fit any longer. The many amazing people helping me care for my mom and some of my neighbors who had done caregiving became the ones I could talk to. I'm in the process now of getting back to some of my old life, but realizing it will never be the same because I am not the same. It's great when friends can accept the changes in one another. However it seems we have friends for what they bring to our lives and when they no longer bring that, the friendships either change and grow accordingly or they die out.

Those that didn’t do it don’t understand.
It’s like trying to get a guy to understand what giving birth is like .

Ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I envy our friends with care free lives that escaped it .

I don't think anybody understands totally what is involved unless they have been there.

No, of course they cannot imagine what it is like to be a caregiver.
As an RN I knew early on I could never attempt to take on 24/7 care. I knew I would not be able to do it, because I knew that 12 hour shifts 3 days a week were killers; therefore survival doing it 24/7 was out of the question.

We can try to imagine what it is to have a new baby. Until we have one, however, we cannot ever have full empathy with what it entails.
Same with cancer. We can imagine; but we haven't done it until we do it.

It only makes sense.

Hi Danielle,
I didn't read what the others wrote, so I might be repeating. It's probably a lot like if you have a baby and your friends didn't. They just don't get it. I can honestly say I wouldnt of gotten it either. I will say, from now on I will be a lot more supportive of anyone I know that is caregivers.
I have issues with friends that do care giving too. One friend thinks she knows everything because she took care of her dad for 3 months, I'm over the 3 yrs mark. She judges me because she thinks I don't do enough. Well she tried to judge me, haven't talked to her in quite some time, lol for good reasons.
Then I have another friend who thinks I do to much for my mom. Her mom is in AL, I'm realizing it's because she is feeling her own guilt, that we all feel when are parents are in a facility. And maybe I'm a bit jealous at times of her freedom.
I have figured out I have my family, I have some friends, but some things are just put to the side for a while. There not going to get it.
One other friend I pretty much dumped because she was just to darn needy, and I had enough neediness in my life. Then she came to me one day after taking her mom shopping a few times, and said "I get it, now" . We are developing a new kind of friendship, less demanding on me

Bottom line...NO ONE can truly understand unless they too have walked in your shoes. PERIOD. End of sentence.

I actually think it’s an easy out to say people haven’t experienced it therefore they don’t know how to have empathy about it. I think people who care will ask how you are doing and listen to the answer, and if you are having a tough time they feel for you, whether or not they have ever had that experience themselves. I know I’m hard on people sometimes and in the past year I have let some people go, but also I truly value the friends who make a point of letting me know they care. I think that means then I need to take responsibility and be there for other people as well. I try very hard in general to let other people’s bad behavior inform my own choices, to know I don’t want to act like they do.