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Oldstew Asked April 6, 2024

What can I say to others who make suggestions to me about how to handle issues with caregiving that are an insult to my intelligence?

Some people have no common sense or smarts and when they give you advice that would be obvious to a toddler, what can you say other than "duh" or "wow, I never thought of that." When some of these suggestions a child would  understand. I am sick and tired of people putting in their two cents when they have no clue what they are talking about. I need responses for them.

Dawn88 Apr 6, 2024
"You have no idea what you are talking about."

Southernwaver Apr 6, 2024
Yeah, I agree to just not open yourself to discussing caregiving with someone.

Or If you do want to talk about it, lead with “I only need an ear and I don’t want any suggestions”

Or if they say something basic and dumb, just reply, “oh honey, you have no idea. That was 2018” etc

You just need to decide what you want to tolerate and then set boundaries on things that will lead to what you don’t want to tolerate.

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Grandma1954 Apr 6, 2024
"Gee, I would love to see how you do that, it is different than what I do. How about you come over Wednesday and show me how to do it better"

Seriously you could try
"Thanks' for the suggestion"
"That is interesting"
"We have done that"

Ignore
Change the subject
Southernwaver Apr 6, 2024
This really did work with one of my meddling aunts in regard to my abusive mentally ill sister: “you should spend the day with her. She is lonely and it’s not much to ask for you to do this simple thing.”

I replied, oh, you know you are right. Let’s hang up so I can tell her that you don’t mind spending the day with her since she is lonely and that you are willing to do this very simple thing that isn’t much of an ask”

My aunt nervously laughed and said never mind, lol, and she never said anything like that to me again.
JoAnn29 Apr 6, 2024
I have family members that sarcasm is in their personality so when they use it the other person kind of excepts it. Very good at turning the tables and quick comebacks. The other person gets flustered. Me, not born with that talent so the sarcasm doesn't work for me.

Do you talk about your problems as a Caregiver, if so stop. Then maybe you will get no "help". Maybe u can say, "Thankyou for the suggestion, but I think I've got it."

AlvaDeer Apr 6, 2024
I would first of all avoid the subject of caregiving. Try to take that off your mind when you are relaxing with friends. It's one of the few times you can.

If friends feel you are seeking advice they will give it.
That they haven't real experience may mean that their opinions come off sounding a bit sophomoric.
They are, however, likely well-meaning. IF they are friends.

Simple responses that work for me:
1. Thanks, I tried that, and.........................................
2. Thanks, I'll give that some thought....................................
3. Thanks, you could be right.................................
And on to discuss something else.
I agree with Geaton. Just thank your friends and move on.

I still remember using #3. above on my daughter, and she said "I AM right! Now what are you going to DO about it" which had us both burst out laughing till we cried.

KNance72 Apr 6, 2024
Just say " Wow you are an expert would you care to babysit for a few hours or a weekend ? " That will shut them up Fast .

Geaton777 Apr 6, 2024
Back in the day when we had our first child, well-meaning family and friends kept giving me unsolicitated parenting advice. Then I read that a good response was, "Thanks, I'll ask my pediatrician about that" and then changed the subject. It ended further advice from them every time.

Eg:

"Thanks for trying to be helpful. I'm more in need of higher level caregiving [strategies, solutions] right now. Would you be willing to cover for me next week so I can go to a medical appointment?"
Oldstew Apr 6, 2024
Geaton, I love your suggestion and I will use it! Saying I will ask his neurolgist is the perfect way to respond and then move on. Thank you for caring and responding.
Anxietynacy Apr 6, 2024
I have a neighbor, him and me are walking partners. We walk an average of 3 times a week, 2 miles. He is very important friend to me. But his wife is just like what you are complaining about.
I really try to avoid her , because I don't want to get snotty to her and loss my walking partner.
She is always telling me I should do this or that. And I say 5 times I'm not POA, I can't do that. Doesn't matter how many times I say it ,she won't get it, so yeah I get what you're saying
Anxietynacy Apr 6, 2024
Your right though, I need a good comeback too. When anti vaxers say things to me, I just say, my son is a micro biologist, so I think il trust his opinion. That shuts them up pretty quick.
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 6, 2024
If these people who are annoying to you have always been this way, then why would you expect them to act differently?

They will continue to behave the same way they are now because it is part of their core personality.

So, don’t waste your time and energy on them. Place your energy on something that is meaningful for you.

I am sorry that you are going through this with others. Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
Oldstew Apr 6, 2024
Dear Need help with mom,
You are very sweet and extremely wise. Thank you for understanding and words of wisdom. Take care!
Toposfera907 Apr 6, 2024
I understand the frustration, and the anger that comes with it. Personally sometimes I do want to snap back, but it just doesn’t help me feel better and then the person just has a reason to call me rude which is even more upsetting. Burnout is real when you’re a caregiver. Give yourself a break and don’t let these comments get to you. You are not responsible for educating people who have no knowledge and you don’t have to waste your time and energy on that. At the end of the day they’re the ones with no knowledge and what they think or say really is only a reflection of them.
Sorry you’re dealing with this, I hope you find a way to not let idiots bother you.
Oldstew Apr 6, 2024
Your response is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you for your very wise words and for taking the time to share them with me. Sadly, there are a lot of idiots around. Be well!
waytomisery Apr 6, 2024
“ Wonderful idea, when will you be doing that for ( name of person needing caregiving ) ?

When you show that you expect these nosey butts to DO what they suggest . they and their comments will disappear .
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 6, 2024
Love your solution! I have done this too. It usually leaves them with a dumbfounded look on their face. 😝

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