How do I convince my 93 year old father in-law that it’s not safe for him to go food shopping?

After my mom tipped over a shopping cart by holding on to it while falling in the aisle, I told her she couldn't go shopping with me anymore. There was no convincing, there was no discussion. I told her I would do the shopping, and she had to stay home, and that was that.

How about saying "no, I can't possibly do that"?

Try it and tell us what happens.

You don't need to do what they tell you. You are in charge of your home, your car and your time.

I am so sorry that this has drug on so long for you. FIL needs social interaction and physical therapy. The social is one of the hardest things to provide for “aging in place” seniors. They are perfectly content with retail therapy and being around others who are in the stream of an active life but are dependent on their caregiver to make it happen.
It is them hanging on by their fingernails to being a part of a community. That and church and maybe a hair salon/barber shop are the only outings besides medical for most at his advanced age.

When DH aunt (97)has her Telemed with her geriatric primary, I dread that question. What is she doing for fun? Ugh. Not much I have to admit as she is bedfast, on hospice and in a NH (all of which the doc knows), but I was happy to report this last time that she now goes to the dining room for lunch and hangs out (sleeps) in her new wheelchair in the tv lounge with two other old ladies.

We had quit the grocery store long before she went into facility care. She would throw her cane in the shopping cart and inch through the isles. But she did that on her own. I didn’t walk beside her. She had a church friend that took her to mass on Saturday afternoons and still brings her communion each week. She had a daily aide who was a buddy so we did work on that aspect but hard to do. Even in a facility for the bedfast it can be hard.

I would contact his doctor and ask for home health and physical therapy paid for by his insurance. Let the therapist tell him how far he is safe to walk and whether he needs a cane or walker and how to use it. This will give him interaction with others and get him accustomed to more hands on care as he declines. You will see an improvement in his strength.

Let him know your health doesn’t allow to prop him up and he needs to walk on his own or stay home. The therapy being a bit of a compromise.

BTW if he walks into doc appointments from the car and showtimes that he is good on walking, that’s not much of a test, so make sure the doc knows that isn’t a fair assessment.

When the parent lives to 93+, the kids are seniors themselves. And it might not be FIL who breaks the first hip or receives the first compression fracture. Advocate for your own health and well-being.

Also make sure you and your DH are getting out w/o FIL on the regular. It will give you more patience with him. You don’t need his permission.
You may just be done with all things FIL. I certainly understand if that’s the case.

You might also invest in an oximeter to check his O2 and pulse when he gets to that weak stage. He may not have enough oxygen to walk etc. I suggest this only to offer perspective as to what is truly going on. Many grocery stores have a BP/pulse checking booth on site. This would be helpful info for the doctor or therapist.

Pride comes before a fall.

Holding him up is rediculous. I've said the same to my MIL. She says she 'doesn't need a cane as she can hold onto people'. I just laugh & say no-one looks *younger* being held up other people!

Options;
Stay home.
Bring wheels.
Sit & wait on a bench.

He *maybe* could sit & wait on a bench out front while you shopped inside.. IF he was agreeable & trustable to stay put...?

Or maybe use a wheeler with a seat for when he tires? Or skip that & go straight for a wheelchair.

I'd hire both a wheeler & wheelchair for a month to trial.

If he is unwilling to trial wheels or sit & wait - his remaining option is to stay home.

Sometimes it becomes less about 'convincing' people & more about only providing options you agree with.

Bottom line is , when it becomes too stressful for the caregiver , a change needs to be made . Going through hoops to go along with father in law’s denials of his legs FAILING him , is just ridiculous .

Tell him you are not a crutch , therefore he stays home while you do the shopping . The other alternative is, if two of you go shopping with him , one pushes your father in law in a wheelchair , the other pushes the shopping cart.

Stop holding him up in the store , that’s absolutely ridiculous. Your husband needs to put his foot down with his Dad .

No is a complete sentence. Order from Kroger, Publix or another food store, have his food delivered.

Take him out maybe twice a month, no need to take him out twice a week, makes no sense since he is so unsteady, your propping him up makes him feel like he can do this and is independent, which he is not. You are his crutch.

He is making bad decisions don't support him, others obviously have to start making good decisions for him before something terrible happens.

Rather than convincing him not to go I would encourage him TO go with you so long as you possibly can, BUT.....................
I would tell him he is making you a nervous wreck and you will not take him UNLESS he agrees to a sit down walker option or to pushing a w/c in front of him.

Only you can decide how dangerous this is, and once you know it is TOO dangerous that's it. For him this is a much loved "outing". For you it is trying to get in the groceries without putting out your back.
You tell him where you will take him, and that you will do so with a wheelchair with you so he can sit when he needs to. You decide, but do know that his determination now is likely what is keeping him from being bedridden. Clearly he loves these outings.
I know there comes a time. I trust you to decide when and what and to just lay down the law and level with him honestly.

As I always say of caregivers, they go from being a son or a daughter or a husband or a wife to being caregivers, the "deciders" as Geo. Bush used to say. You have to make the decision. Sorry. It means one more loss for him, but you know best what is right here.

Use the No word, it's very effective, whether dad likes it or not. It's not your job now to make dad happy and to keep his stubborn pride in high gear, but to keep him safe. You're the adult and he's the child now. Assume the responsibility and accept the fact that dad will be pissed. Oh well.

When my dad was wobbly, we took him to Walgreens to buy a cane. We wouldn't take him out w/o his cane. Then it was a walker. When he refused to use it, we refused to take him out. He broke his hip shortly thereafter and passed 10 months later after having to go into Assisted Living. Choices have consequences, unfortunately. While we cannot monitor their choices 24/7, we sure CAN set down rules for taking them out that we won't break. Period.

Offer him the WalMart+ plan to shop at home and have his groceries and other necessities delivered and/or shipped to him for free. The service is $98 a year. There is a $35 minimum food order for free delivery, and no minimum for free shipping which saves $6.99 per order. Tipping for delivery is optional. I've used WM+ for a year now and it's excellent. I use it bc I'm too debilitated and dizzy to go shopping in person. It is a fact and I accept it.

My mother is obsessed with driving her car even though I disabled it. She says "if you won't take me I will drive my own car." I then say ok and she cannot start it and stops hounding me. She argues constantly with me about this subject and it is very stressful. She even called the local les schwab to have them come out and start her car when I was in the shower. Now she thinks her car is fine. SOOO FRUSTRATING. She refuses to listen and wants her independence back which I understand totally. I hope I never have to burden my children with this disease. It is just too mentally exhausting.