My Mom (76) has been hoarding for decades with increasing severity. My Father has M.S. is barely walking now, and he also has COPD. Her hoarding is basically killing my Father and I have to watch it happen from the sidelines; and do or say nothing otherwise I'm the problem.
The pain this causes me is not something that I was prepared for. After 2 decades in Chicago, I relocated to rural Ohio to be closer to them so that I could experience this chapter of my life and theirs, with them.
I have tried to help from various angles and perspectives; i.e. the caring approach, trying to get the local Pastor to help, my sister who lives in Texas has been called in to help. Nothing has worked. My relationship with my Mom is basically gone not that we ever had much of one. I try to have a relationship with my Dad but I cannot even go over to their house at this point. He's barely walking and the likelihood of him tripping over junk resulting in him loosing any remaining mobility, is very high.
In the past 6 years, I've been through at least 6 or 7 emergency hospital situations with them much of which has been my Mom going into emergency surgery. She eats yogurt that is over a year old which I was screamed at for asking if I could throw it out to make space in the fridge. Theres no doubt she would be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, possibily histrionic personality disorder as well; and that has been the case for a very long time. However, with the added dementia, she's nearly impossible to be around.
I've had numerous conversations with my Father who is of sound mind. He doesn't want to "rock the boat" otherwise he'll pay for it with her basically harassing him for days, weeks on end. She's relentless.
This last round resulted in a lot of damage to me; physically, emotionally, damage to my health, and may have lost my business that I have built over the past several years. I am at the point where I am ready to walk away but the thought of leaving my Father in this alone is absolutely breaking my heart.
Its like watching a car crash with the people you love inside of the car.
I'm 50 and am single with my rescue dog. I cannot do this alone; not anymore. There has to be help out there, yes? I cannot be the only one out there to go through this tragic experience?
Any help or guidance on who to call and when it is the "right time" to call would be very appreciated.
Much gratitude,
Amy
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Please find a therapist that works with trauma. You clearly had an unhealthy childhood and have no boundaries and you sound enmeshed. None of this is good for you.
Good luck.
When he finally had the opportunity to be away from mom, what did he Do? He pined for her and waited for her to arrive at his AL like a lovesick puppy.
I gave up trying to rescue dad because he did not Want to BE rescued. If he'd wanted to, he'd have divorced her years ago, as your dad would've done.
They're cowed by these women.
Ask dad if he'd like to be moved out of the hoarding den and see what he says.
You may be shocked at his response.
Then you'll know to back off and keep your help to a minimum.
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It is a kind of hubris to think you can change them.
Children aren't responsible for changing their parents, nor for rescuing their parents.
I have said so often lately here on AgingCare that the best place for children is at LEAST 1,000 miles from their parents (after they are grown).
You have chosen this. I think you need to take responsibility for this bad choice, cut your losses and move away again. This is the life they chose. This is their life.
It is time now, as a grown up to live your own life.
Sorry, that's just my thinking on all of this.
I have a sibling who’s long been a hoarder and long had undiagnosed mental illness. He’s rude, often mean, and virtually impossible to deal with. After many frustrating years, I’ve learned from the Boundaries book and class both how to keep him and his poisons at a safe for me distance. We have a minimally friendly relationship. I’ve helped clean out the hoard twice, at his request. Both times, it immediately came back. I’ve vowed the only time I’ll do it again is if/when he has died and it’s the final time.
As I see it, the true power here is with your dad. Too bad he’s become conditioned not to challenge mom and now accepts poor treatment and a horrible environment for his needs. Any chance he’d come live with you or in assisted living by himself if there’s no movement on getting mom out of there or getting help for her? Will he listen to reason on doing what’s best for him?
If he won’t consider saving himself, you’ll need to call APS and report the situation. Again, I’m sorry and truly wish you peace in the storm
And you tell them of the horrid living conditions that both she and your dad are living in. The social worker will then have to find the appropriate facility for your mom and perhaps your dad too to be placed in.
And if you want to speed up the process(meaning you don't want to wait for the next hospital stay), you can call 911 and tell them that you think your mom has a UTI, and that she needs to be looked at. You can then start the process of not having her discharged, as she is an "unsafe discharge." Don't forget those 2 magic words.
And don't fall for any empty promises that the hospital may throw your way to try and get you to care for your parents(as they're all lies)but instead stand your ground and get your mom placed in a facility.
Best wishes in keeping your dad safe and getting your mom the help she so desperately needs.
The best thing you can do is consult with a therapist who specializes in Hoarding disorder. This will help you develop healthy boundaries and also strategies that may allow you to have a relationship at whatever feels comfortable for you. But please understand: you didn't make this problem and you can't fix it. You aren't responsible for your Mother's happiness. You can't have her hoarding recovery for her. Talk to a professional to figure out your piece, if any. You are not responsible for their care and wellbeing. In fact, a court-appointed guardian will probably make better headway with her since there's a layer of non-family caseworkers who will orbit around her. As long as you're not directly involved, she can't blame you for anything. Report them both to APS. Keep reporting them. This is how you help them.
The root of hoarding is often trauma based. Your Mom will have to figure this out if she's willing and able to. May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work on your boundaries.
The covert narcissist behavior in my Mom has been there since I was a child. It has increased in severity as well as the hoarding. The dementia is a newer piece that seems to be the icing on the cake making it next to impossible.
Regardless, contacting APS and finding a guardian or case-worker as well as pursuing elder law seems to be a solid next step. The after-math that I am left with, well .. that's mine to deal with and I'll probably be in therapy for the rest of my adult life. But that I can handle. What I cannot handle, is walking away from them without seeing this through. It's just too severe now.
So, perhaps that is why we are all on this site .. learning how to walk through fire and face the very difficult stuff.
Much gratitude for you @Geaton777
If he would I would work on that aspect. If he won’t then you must come to terms with the fact that you are powerless to intervene. That this is their choice.
We have so much mental illness in this world it is truly heart breaking. I am so sorry you must deal with this.
Can you offer to have your father stay with you for the time being while you work with APS and the court to get conservatorship/guardianship over your mother? This is the only action you can take to help them both. Your mother is unwilling to "allow" (this is ridiculous when a person's brain doesn't work that they're still "allowed" to be in charge) any help or change. So it will have to be forced on her.
When APS sees year gone expired yogurt in the fridge and the home, they will force changes in your parents' living situation. The state may even condemn the home if it's bad enough. Please call APS today. Your parents may hate you for it, but it's the right thing to do.
You are not alone, there is a lot of people out there that go through this.
There is a lifetime actress, who's parents died of the cold in Massachusetts 2 winters ago, her last name is whitt, I think . I felt like at the time she probably felt like her hands where tied and didn't know what to do.
It can happen to anyone. I'm sure it's hard to call, feels like your disobeying your parents, you only want to protect them specially your dad
Your Dad should not have to live like this .