For the past four years I have been the caregiver for my mother and for several years before that my dad as well. Because of a medical emergency last week, it appears she will be placed in a facility. I am beyond bereft. I have only lived in this house with my folks, have no spouse, siblings, or children. My house is empty, dark, and lonely. There's no safe place anymore and at late 60s, should I have to go to the ED, I will be alone. I don't know that I can survive this, and though I would never hurt myself because if my beliefs, I don't know that I want to go on without my immediate family when my mother passes. This is literally everything I have dreaded since I was a teenager. Anyone here in a similar situation? How did you find the reserves to face the future?
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This is a rant and I shouldn’t make it about me, but I have the opposite struggle of you. In my late 30’s with 3 kids, newly pregnant and probably won’t be able to continue because of financial hardship and disagreements with my husband. I live with my family at my aging mil’s house. She’s in her 80s. But she’s one of those serious stoic narcissistic types that were already old since childhood. She moves slow, but still healthy. It feels like purgatory. To lose autonomy in life is near to death. Answer to my issues are get a job and be even busier in the grind with 3 kids and an always hovering mil. She’s intrusive, watches everyone, me the most, as much as she wants. She is always lurking, checking on us, looking to see where I am around the house, every single day. They think I don’t notice. But I’m more hyper vigilant than her and anyone I know. She has stopped asking where I’m going when I leave the house every time and opening the door when I get back asking where I’ve been. Shes intrusively invasive. It’s suffocating and deeply unpleasant. Her presence drains all joy and energy from me. She internalizes a lot of her thoughts and all of her emotions, so it’s a lot of dead face staring all the time. I make an effort to be out of her sight as much as possible. It’s a small house so that means in 1 of the bedrooms. She used to open doors to check everyone whenever she wanted. My 4 yr old has learned on his own to shut his door and lock it. He must be a mini me and intuitively feels her judgement, intrusion and staring. He’s 4! She is of Asian culture. I am western. I just can not wait for the day we are away from her. I’ll never visit much. She’s stolen enough of my energy and years. She use to come by our condo when my babies were born, whatever time she wanted, 8am, I’d hear the front door open. She had a key. Mistake! She’d wander around house to look at everything, to judge, then do dishes. She used to call me everyday to ask what I’m doing, what I had for lunch, what’s for dinner. My mom taught me to stop answering her calls. I did. She didn’t call as much, but still called. Never calls her son much, was always me! Started coming at 11am instead cause she’d say I was still sleeping at 8am. Yeah, breastfeeding and bonding with my newborn. My 27 yr old self didn’t have the confidence or boundaries back then. But now, I would never ever allow that again. Aging is horrible. I am sorry to say. It’s boring and lonely, it has a smell, and if it’s an unpleasant person, it is an all consuming vacuum of energy. I used to pity or feel guilty. Not anymore. I feel invaded on and I can’t advocate for myself. So it’s not resentment and disdain. Her room always smells like sewage. She lost her smell and taste from over use of heavy antibiotics. But is a picky eater and wants something different every meal. Eating and talking about food was her career, life, only hobby and main talent. So that’s a nightmare alone for me. They ask me like a kid, what’s for dinner, daily. Then I put it back on her as her responsibility to decide what she wants, that we can pick it up, and she just stares at me, no response. I don’t know anyone that can understand the depth of my anger, disdain, resentment, intrusion, unhappiness. They all act like they don’t notice her obsessive starring, that her room doesn’t smell (it’s vulgar). I will never come back. Her many other kids and my husband can take care of her. I’ll send a meal or take out 1 time a week because whoever lives with her next will not last the years I have and never asked any of them to help. Month 2 they’ll be resentful and asking everyone to help with their mom with food, entertaining her, she’s bored, lonely…. I won’t say anything, just enjoy my freedom, glass of wine, peace and silence! Find joy, cruise, sun, be fun, garden RV
Please rant away, at least I have never had to live or endure a demanding MIL with no sense of boundaries or smell!
We had a lovely couple in Church. At Dads funeral it was said they knew no stranger. When cruising, if they saw someone sitting alone at dinner, they invited them to their table.
Maybe eventually find a Senior Community where you go from Independent living to long-term care.
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When my cousin lost her mother to Alzheimer's, a few years after her father passed, she was devastated to the point of being immobilized. She too had nobody else but her parents to care for. They were very enmeshed and highly dysfunctional, honestly, which left my cousin beating HERSELF up for "not doing enough" for her folks while they were alive. She'd devoted her LIFE to them!
I told her she'd have to reinvent herself. Put one foot in front of the other. Focus on the good memories of mom and dad, not the bad ones. Find a hobby and force herself to do it for 30 minutes a day. She began with hiking. Then moved to Ancestry.com to research genealogy and put together scrapbooks with photos of ancestors she'd dug up. Then she got herself a puppy. A little at a time she carved out a new life for herself that made HER happy, nobody else. It's a foreign concept to caregivers who have spent a lifetime caring for others. But it'll be your turn to do for YOU one of these days, Ty. A new chapter of life that sounds awful but promises to be fulfilling if you take it in baby steps. I think doing that would be the ultimate honor to your parents. To show them you're caring for yourself now, lovingly and with grace, as they'd like to see you do. To honor yourself and your life as beautifully as you've honored theirs all those years.
Sending you a big hug and a vote of confidence for you, dear woman.
A few things come to mind: 1) is there any way you can join a group of any kind? Like basket weavers, cooking circle, soup kitchen, faith group, sports group, senior activities? 2) can you set a goal of walking a certain amount every day or going to the gym? 3) could you volunteer for a group like a soup kitchen, hospital help, VFW, animal rescue? 4) could you try to find a support group that meets? 5) could you take a course at a local night school or community college? 6) could you begin learning an instrument? 7) Are there yoga classes nearby?
Thank you for your kindness toward your parents.
May you be surprised by joy and know how much you have done to alleviate suffering.
That is excellent question.
I believe it is one of the important questions we should ask ourselves as caregivers, how are we going to live life after caregiving.
Because often we don’t think about our lives as we focus on others.
I also believe you need to get some therapy on how to restart, reinvent your life and learn how to live alone.
But start doing things for yourself, perhaps if house seems dark change paint. Get out as well. Even if you have to go alone perhaps dinner solo is too much but do lunch or coffee or cook and invite somebody.
Do exercise, nutritious meals, you may feel better.
Many say to find new hobbies go back to childhood and remember what you liked, childlike ( which is different from childish) enthusiasm about doing things, drawing, painting is absolutely uplifting
Do you like to travel, how about cruise for singles over 50?
How about helping other caregivers? You have years of experience.
To me it doesn't matter what or who you where living with. It is Not for anyone to judge that!
You have suffered and are suffering from much loss.
A friend of mine lost her husband and her dad, and her mom is not well. 4 months ago. She is having a very hard time. Feels alone like you.
So you are not alone, others have been left all alone in this world too.
I was talking to her yesterday, she told me she was having a bad day, but she did say she had a few good days. So the fact that she had a few good days, was a huge accomplishment, and to focus on that.
Sounds like you definitely could use some counseling
And I would find something I liked to do, or always wanted to do and join a class, then you are with like minded people and will meet people with your interests.
Hang in there, and I'm so sorry for your losses
Your mother will still need an advocate in a facility. Has someone else taken over that role? Are you still allowed to visit?
I suspect you are very tired. It will take a long time to recover from being a caregiver for so many years. Give yourself time to rest and be gentle with yourself. A goal of seeing to your hygiene, your diet, a walk and a good nights rest might be enough for now. You, yourself, are in need of care. You have that responsibility to see that your needs are met and your bills paid. You will find a new rhythm of life in time.
Come back to the forum. You will find support here.
Do you have faith- based community at all, T? If not, are you a believer (just asking; I am myself not) and could you join with a church community that may provide you with guidance and support?
What resources such as local council on aging is available in your area?
I would suggest, since you mention despair to the extent that you do, that you call the national suicide prevention hotline at 988. I say this not because of your despair, as you assure us you would not self harm, but because I believe them to be the best place to begin to try to get resources to help intervene on your behalf for some recovery.
I am so very sorry, and I wish you well and hope you will keep updating us.
I am just a person in an enmeshed family and that family is quickly unraveling.