My mother lives in a nursing home, my Dad is 81, and he used to take care of her. I live in another state. But I care for them now, visiting them every month or two months. I am a single mother, so it's challenging to go there. My mom can't walk. She has a hip prosthesis; she has osteoporosis and dementia. At the nursing center, they gave her the medicine, and when her brothers visited her, they said that she is ok, that she could remember things, and because my mom now hates me because I put her there. . My dad has the POA, and I am the second one on that. They say that if she wants to go home, why we don't let her stay at home? It is too easy just to visit her, say that because she remembers some things, so the dementia is not just about remembering things. Nobody can take care here at home 24 hours. My dad, who was 80 years old, had to go directly to the hospital after taking care of her for a year because my mom didn't want anybody at home. Changing diapers, making food, going to the super, helping her at midnight. For a person with 80 is jot posible to do all of those things.
Sometimes, I want to explain the situation to everyone, and sometimes, I don't want to talk with them. Whatever I do is always terrible. I am the only daughter trying to do the best for them. I have a sister in another country that she doesn't care. After more than ten years, she didn't see them, and she only said I was the worst person to put my mom there; of course, she talked by phone with her, and she told my mom the same. So when I go there to visit, she is in a bad mood with me because of that. It's not easy to be in my situation, where I have to be for my two parents in another state and my two kids at home. One of her brothers said that he would search an association where they can put her at home because is without her consideration.
Is that possible? Even now my dad is receiving service of IHSS at home because he needs it.
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You and Dad are doing the right thing. Tell the NH that no one is to take Mom off the premises. Make the request in writing with a list of names. If a person not listed, and tries to take Mom, the NH must call u. If Dad us primary POA, he needs to sign it as POA. If he has stepped down, then you sign it. A POA should be on file at the NH.
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Ignore all these people who are trying to GUILT you here, for no good reason. Mom belongs in the nursing home and dad deserves to live what's left of his life without waiting on her 24/7. You are doing NOTHING wrong, it is the brothers who should be ashamed of themselves here! No, the family cannot change the situation of mom living in the nursing home. They're just trying to upset you and stir up trouble! 😑
I'm sorry you're being put through even more pain than necessary. God bless you and give you the strength and peace to know you're a good daughter and a loving person.
No one will allow the brothers to remove your mother, with her dementia, from care.
If you worry that this may happen you, as the second, should give a call (with your Dad who is POA sitting nearby to verify what you say, if needed). Call directly to the administration and let them know Dad remains POA, and you second on that. Let them know that the brothers, while well-meaning, have a misguided belief that your mother can return home. Tell the administrator you are worried they may attempt to remove Mom from care, and you are warning them they may attempt to do so. Make certain your father is registered as the POA and that you are mentioned as his second, since he has some failure now. Ask if they need copies of the document.
That will get this all relieved in your own mind.
You appear to be well aware that this is not an option. Do not assume the mantle of guilt in this. You didn't cause your Mom's dementia and you can't fix it and she is now placed in care where she must be. She is angry at you because she has not the ability to understand her needs. You are doing your best for her. You can feel GRIEF as this is worth grieving, but you should not feel guilt.
You can video yourself asking your Mom specific questions about current things, like what day is it today, who is the President, etc. Long-term memory is the last thing to go with dementia. You can also ask her to draw the clock with numbers on it, then tell her to draw 11:10 on the clock. When she fails to do this you send this video to your siblings.
Then you let them know that dementia comes with specific behaviors. One of them is called Sundowning. This usually happens in the afternoons, and the person begins to get anxious and more confused. They often will be driven to want to "go home" but the home they are referring to is their childhood home. My 100-yr old Aunt with dementia did this every afternoon like clockwork, even though she was sitting in the house she lived in for the past 50 years.
Paranoia and irrational anger towards those closest to them is also a common behavior, hence her being angry at you for putting her in AL, rather than being grateful that you're going to great lengths to help her. Teepa Snow is a dementia and caregiving expert with really good videos on YouTube. You should watch some of them and send the links to your sibs. Also on this forum under Care Topics are informative articles on lots of pertinent topics you can send to them.
Your siblings will have no control over your Mom's decisions unless they pursue guardianship for her in the courts. You should read your PoA document to make sure you understand what's in it (and that you have both financial and medical authority) and when your authority for your Mom gets passed from your Dad to you. As long as your Mom has a medical dignosis by her doctor she won't be able to change her PoA.
I wish you all the best as you work on her behalf.
It would be good to explain ‘showtiming’ to them – that people with major needs can sometimes summon up the energy to put on a good show to visitors or doctors, but that they can’t keep it up around the clock or around the week. Look up ‘showtiming’ in the magnifying glass at the top of the screen, so that you get the words to explain it to them. There are questions and discussions, also a few articles about it. You could send a link to an article (eg 'How to talk to your doctor') that you think fits your situation.
Work out for yourself and tell them the cost of providing caregivers for full coverage at home. It’s three shifts a day for 5 days, then 6 shifts over the weekend. That’s more expensive than a NH, where the costs aren’t all born by one person. In addition, relying on caregivers in the home means a lot of ‘management’ when someone doesn’t show up for a shift, or if two carers are needed for mobility help. Ask the brothers if they are prepared to take on responsibility for the increased costs and for management, even if they aren’t prepared to do hands-on care themselves. Your father can't be 'on duty' for anything like that time, or be expected to manage no-shows and crises.
While you can of course stand on your dignity and refuse to discuss things with them, it would be a better idea to get them to understand that mother cannot ‘go home’ with just a little bit of extra help. Best wishes, Margaret
Each Brother will probably say a version of;
"Oh No, not ME! *I* won't be doing the hands-on stuff. No, no".
They mean for Dad & Sisiter to take Mom home & do it all. They feel bad Mom is in care.
They feel bad but want OTHERS to fix.
*All care but no responsibility* is a favorite quote of a wise friend of mine.
Of course, it was the right decision to place your mother. Honestly, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decision to place her.
The only thing that family members who are interfering should hear from you is that you have your parents’ best interests at heart and that you would appreciate it that they stop questioning your decisions.
Ask them to please be supportive of how you feel. They need to accept that your mom is receiving better care in a facility than at home because your dad isn’t capable of doing everything on his own.
It is irrational for your family members to be upset about your mom being in a facility instead of being at ease that she has around the clock care by a professional staff.
You certainly don’t need your family’s approval. You know what is best for your mom and dad.
Unfortunately, your sister and the others like to stir the pot and cause trouble. Tell them that if they truly cared about your mother that they wouldn’t want to upset her.
I don’t think anyone other than your dad has any authority to make any decisions about where your mom lives.
Wishing you peace as you continue to advocate for your mother.