Our mother needs care for everything and is in wheelchair. She and our father live in a building where my mother cannot get outside without the fire department coming over and carrying her down the stairs. For years we have found multiple apartments without stairs for them to move to and our father will not move. Our mother wants to move, and we told her we will move her 20 minutes away to a beautiful apt near one of her children. The new apt would allow her to get in out easily. She wants to move. We told our father who is also partially blind and hard of hearing that we are going to move our mom and he said over his dead body. Our mother has been a "prisoner" in this apartment for several years. We want to move her. Can we? How do we handle this?
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Over his dead body? What exactly is his reason for keeping her in such a risky and dangerous situation? Let's see a selfish 89 year old try to stop you.
Move your Mom yourselves, and he will have to follow....after he swallows some stupid pride.
I see danger in interfering.
Becoming one parent's rescuer at the expense of the other could cause much damage to relationships.
New idea. Marriage councelling for the parents. Yes, even in their late 80s.
Mother is talking about living separately & this will effect them both - especially if the Father cannot live alone/cope without her.
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Its dangerous for her to be where she can’t get out in an emergency.
Has your father always been abusive?
She is saying she wants to move but does she really understand the reality of the situation?
My mom would of defended my ornery dad to her death.
But I do believe if you can get mom to move, your dad will be right behind her.
Good luck, I'm so sorry, I'm sure you want both of your parents in a better environment, and i understand how hard this is. You just want the best for them, but sometimes the best is to let them live the life they want to live.
If the mom wants to move why in the world would we be being asked this question. Any of us can move any mother or any father who wishes to move as long as they don't suffer from dementia. If they do suffer from dementia, then their POA or next of kins makes their decisions for them. In this case this would be the spouse.
I can only wish you good luck.
I think what you are doing is going to be/may be divisive. At this point you are going to decide which parent to punish for their disability due to aging? You will make a blind dad who knows his way around a home they have been in this long, and that is OK, but it isn't OK that a mom in a w/c is up stairs? I don't get it. If this is about EMS they will have her on a stretcher and have no problem at all getting her out; they do this all the time.
Likely they BOTH should be in assisted living, but if they are happy at home and can be maintained there until one of them passes I would stay out of this. Make it as nice as you can for mom given her disabilities but don't interfere and cause dissention in a marriage would be my advice.
I sure wish you the best of luck with coming to compromise, but I would start with being more quiet about this issue were it me.
Do you want to *convince* your Father? Or are you done with trying & want to make it happen?
For *convincing* get ready for your *campaign*. Choose your style & let him have it. Everyday. Don't let up. Wear him down.
The cheeky:
"he said over his dead body"
OK. Sure. Can you hurry up so I can make the arrangements? Next Tuesday works for me.
If a Kenny Rogers fan: sing to him
Know when to hold 'em.
Know when to fold 'em.
Know when to walk away.. (or in this case, fall down the dang stairs)
Stiff Upper Lip:
Take a firm stance. Look him in the eye. Tell him to do the common sence thing & make the best of it.
Challenge his thinking skills:
Ask him to tell you exactly how staying in a home with stairs, for an elderly couple such as themselves is better? How it is safer?
Empathy & Hope:
Yes change can be hard. Ask if he has fears about moving? Ask if you can talk about them? Work through them together as a family.
‘Over my dead body’ from F doesn’t make much sense either. Does he think that this is about ‘putting her in a home’, old-style? Or is caring for M his sole justification for living? If he is largely deaf and blind, have you actually explained it all to him in a way he can understand? Can F care for himself without M being there? When you have got her moved, can you take him to visit? Can you show him photos or a video of her in the new place?
And ...does F have dementia? Be careful that he doesn't throw himself down the stairs if and when she is carried down. Perhaps have someone ready to stay with him for a while after she leaves.