What do I do?

"S.o. and I are on the same page now.."

Great to hear!

I'm sure differences in opinion will crop up (as in any household) but with good communication hopefully you can discuss each new thing & resolve.

Dementia is a changing invisiable force. It will continue to change your MIL, stealing her skills & requiring more patience than you ever thought possible. Prompts needed, then supervision, assistance, then full care.

A couple of pointers;
- Add non-family helpers in as early as you can. Family-only arrangements cause earlier caregiver fatigue & burn out.
- Be careful what you promise. Promises to *care* are fine, but avoid the no nursing home one. That can set you up for guilt.
- Check the plan, often.
Ensure the plan still suits ALL of you. If resentment starts *listen* to it. Make changes as needed.
- Ensure the 'driver' of the plan is not the one with dementia.
Yes, really. Read the forum. Many many people get caught pleasing the elder, living the elder's life, forgoing their own, no date nights, no weekends away, no holidays. 'Mom doesn't want...' go back to my 1st point, involve non-family caregivers asap. Visiting aides, cleaning help for you, residential respite care 2 or more x a year. Lighten your load however you can.

Lastly, always remember this plan of 'aging in place - your place' can be changed.

As needs change, so must the plan.

You say that ‘every page of her discharge repeats she needs constant care’, but SO says ‘that's not what the lady said’. It may help to realise that by getting you to agree to the written discharge plan, it let the facility off the hook about it being an unsafe discharge. It's quite possible that was what it was for. It is perfectly possible that the verbal instructions were different. The facility's discharge plan is NOT a court order.

The issue now is for you to agree with SO about the future plans. Ideally, agree with MIL as well.

That's not how it works, that's not how any of this works. The care discharge team doesn't tell you what is going to happen and that is that. You have rights too. You must have agreed to take her home. You didn't have to do that. You could have looked for care homes or nursing homes for her. You could have told them you are unavailable to take care of her safely all the time because of other responsibilities. You could have just refused and said I'm sorry, we can't supervise her. At this point you can contact a state social worker and tell them the situation is not working out and they need to help find placement for MIL.

Edit, I wrote this before I read OP's replies. (thank you for replying OP, many don't do that, so it was not expected). It seems you want to take care of her and agreed to take her home. That's your choice, and I wish you good luck. So at this point, you can't just drop her off at home alone, you would be endangering her if she does have dementia, and at risk of being accused of neglect.

I’m finding this confusing, so perhaps you and SO are confused too. Do you want to care for MIL, or are you mostly worried about liability? What do you personally want to happen? Care for MIL in your home? For how long? Indefinitely or until when? Have you really thought through the impact this will have on your life, your relationship with SO and your jobs if you are employed?

What does SO want? Is MIL the mother of SO – and if so why isn’t SO calling the shots?

Is MIL legally competent? If so, she can make her own decisions about whether to go to her house, with or without 24 hour care. The discharge blurb doesn’t bind her or SO or you. If she is competent, insists on going to her house, but won’t be taking adequate care of herself, you can inform APS – which should let you off the hook.

Perhaps you could sort this out for us (and perhaps for you too).

Right, so you & S.O are ok with the care-in-your-home arrangement.
But MIL is not.. is missing her home. Wishes to go home.

S.O is ready to cave in to her wishes. Is that it?

The saying: Lead, Follow Or Get (out of the way) comes to mind.

The brother got out the way.
You & S.O took the Lead & took MIL into your home, MIL had to Follow this plan.

To allow MIL (dx with dementia) to make the decision to move back into her own home is putting her back in the Lead position.

Are you & S.O going to enable that? Follow that plan?

You have both taken on duty of care as her caregivers.
You are aware she requires 24/7 supervision, so returning her to her own home to live (if no other 24/7 support is provided) does appear neglectful imho.

Asking/wanting to "go home" is a feature behavior of dementia called Sundowning. She is not thinking of her most recent home, she's remembering a home from her childhood. My 100-yr old Aunt with advanced dementia got up to go "home" every afternoon like clockwork while she was sitting in the home she'd occupied for the last 45 years.

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/19/sundowners-syndrome

If you take her into your home, please consider that her dementia will only get worse since it's an incurable and progressive disease. Make sure you learn as much as you can about it so that you go into caregiving with your eyes wide open. Just read some of the hundreds of posts on this forum made by loving and well-meaning adult children who had no idea what this arrangement could turn into and do to them.

I'm hoping your husband is her PoA so that if you wish to bring aids in to help, or transition her into a facility, you have access to her funds to do so. I wish you all the best on this journey.

Hi Heather. Rehabs and nursing homes pour on the guilt to get family to take elders who really do need those settings for as long as they live.

No-one has the power to discharge someone into your care without your consent.

Either to your home, or as main support for a person going home alone.

It is reasonable to make an INFORMED decision regarding the new care needs before you decide you can, IF you can, IF you will take this level of care on.

Has there been a family meeting?
1. To inform you of MIL's care needs.
2. To discuss arranging what training, equipment, support services needed.
3. For family to give concent to taking this on.

Who gave the information about her care/discharge? Her?

You should refuse and say that you cannot provide the level of care that she needs. It’s an unsafe discharge. She needs to be cared for by professionals now. You can blame it on her medical team, who haven’t approved her to go home with you.

I’m sorry this happened to her.

Hi, I am sorry for the situation: This health crises that has befallen your MIL.

As you are aware, after ER, is Acute Care, then Rehab, then Home. Well.. Home* If Possible*.

So #1, where is MIL's 'home'?
Was it with you prior to this health crises?

#2 If Possible.. this we can explore. Possible for her but also possible for YOU if you are providing the home &/or care.