Ungrateful mother.

Why do you feel you "had" to take care of the woman since she was 57 years old???? What sort of terrible health issues has she suffered for 3 decades that's made you feel obligated to put up with her for so long?? And put up with ungrateful abusive behavior to boot?

She only has you because her ugly behavior has pushed everyone else out of her life, which was her choice. You walk away by getting mother placed and exiting thru the front door of the nursing home. You can go visit at YOUR leisure and leave when the ugliness ramps up.

30 years is long enough to have sacrificed your happiness and your husband's happiness for someone who chooses misery every day, don't you think?

Why do you think that nursing homes are all bad? They're not. At 87, she probably needs quite a lot of care, or she will soon. Think of a care facility as a place where she can get the professional care she deserves.

You've done your best. It wasn't enough. You can hang on for another ten years, and she'll never give you what you're seeking - kindness, appreciation or love. And your opportunity to enjoy your peaceful life and husband will have slipped by.

A good time to have found other arrangements for her was when you built your new house. You could have told her that you and husband needed your life back - but you didn't. I fear that you are so bound to her and to trying to make her happy that you never will break free. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Get counseling to find out why you've sacrificed yourself for so many people. Find out why all this caregiving was more important to you than building a better life with your husband. And go visit some care facilities - assisted living places, or skilled nursing facilities if that's what she needs - where mom could have a social life, friends, outings, and be happy. If she's not happy at your house, you need to help her find a place where she at least has a chance of that.

Your story makes me sad, and I hope you can see your way clear to get out of a responsibility that never should have been yours.

People like this are never happy. I know because I tried to make my mother happy too my whole life . My mother made me feel responsible for her happiness especially the last 15 years of her life .

You’ve done so much . Now it’s your turn to live a life you and your husband want .
Place your mother . She’s going to be miserable no matter where she lives . Placing Mom is not walking away . You will still be her advocate . But you gain control of your own life . Don’t let Mom guilt trip and manipulate you either . You tell her you are getting older too and you can no longer take care of her.

You only have to make sure Mom has what she needs , not what she wants .
I wish I had learned that sooner. I finally woke up at about age 50. I still get angry at myself sometimes for allowing her to have so much power . Do not share your details about your own life to Mom, like traveling etc. because she will tell you that you forgot about her etc . Set boundaries .

Go see a therapist , this isn’t how you should be living . I have 4 siblings but I did it all for my parents . Take it from another daughter who was groomed to be servant to Mom, choose to live your own life now .

Quite honestly I can't imagine giving up your entire adult life to someone like this.
I tell you this with all love..................see a good psychologist and get help. You still have SOME life left, albeit you have missed some pretty important years.

That said, you ARE an adult. You HAVE made your own decisions. And I think it is right and proper to hold adults responsible for their own decisions.
You will change things when (if ever) you are ready to. That will take tremendous courage, because we are comfortable with habitual behaviors even when they destroy us.

I wish you the very best and I hope that you will seek help for yourself, knowing that you deserve a life. Just as we ALL do.

We wake up everyday & make choices of how to live our life.

Each day we can choose again :
do the same VS make changes

The way you deal with a person like your mother is to not deal with her. Put her in a nursing home or AL. This should be obvious to you.

Your siblings are nasty to you for two reasons. One, is because your mother did a mental number on all of you. Probably all of your lives. It will take a lot of work and mental health treatment for the lot of you to recover from that. Trust me, I know.

Two, because they do not want to share in any of the responsibility for her. This happens in families. Siblings who had close relationships would see those relationships destroyed rather than have to share in the caregiving of the parents.

This is especially true if there has been a history of abuse from the parent (and it sounds like there has been in your family as in mine). Or the parent is narcissistic, miserable, and manipulative, they need a high level of physical care, or they have dementia.
These are pretty common reasons for why siblings turn on each other and families break up - Caregiving. Though it sounds like in your case it was Care-forcing.

There is no reason on earth why you should have been taking care of your mother for the last 30 years. So stop. Whatever feelings of F.O.G. (Fear,Obligation,Guilt) you may feel about it, you can get over.

So basically there are two choices here to remove your life from the caregiver dumpster it's currently in.

Put her in a home

OR

Let her stay and hire live-in caregivers. You put a lock on your side of the house so she has no access to it. Then you and your husband visit her once or twice a week. You do ZERO caregiving for her and you certainly do not tolerate a moment of her nastiness anymore. Not one second.

My mother is much like yours and the same age. I too was her care slave and my sibling stayed away because she didn't want the responsibility. I can't blame her. I didn't want this dynamic anymore, so I changed it. I left and turned the caregiving over to homecare workers. My sib and I both visit our mother and call her often. The second she starts up with any nasty, ingrate, or instigating behavior the visit or phone call ends. Adios.

My sib and I are thick as thieves once again. This is what you should do.

People generally do not change.
You are expecting your mom...now to change? It sounds like she has been this way for 86 years. (I will give her a pass for her first year)
What I don't understand is WHY have you been her caregiver for 30 years??!!! You do not go into detail as to any medical conditions that result in you having to care for her.
If she is capable of caring for herself back off.
Set boundaries (that should have been set 29 years and 11 months and 28 days ago)
You do not explain why she needs a Nursing Home. (aka Skilled Nursing Facility)
An Independent Living facility is quite different if she is really Independent and even an Assisted Living facility is different than a "Nursing home"
A little more info on your mom might help.

You have let this go on for too long. There seems to be that one child that when everyone else walks away, they feel they need to stay and take it. How are people going to learn that the problem is them and not everyone else if we let them get away with things. Maybe time to be upfront and honest with Mom. Remember she needs you more than you need her. Explain that at 62 you are just tired. Tired of trying to make someone happy who has no idea of what that means. She is not nor ever will be a happy person and you are no longer going to try. I think once you stop catering to her a weight will be lifted.

The problem is placing her. Does she have money for an AL? Is she 24/7 care so she can go to LTC and Medicaid pay? If no to both these questions, then you now need to set boundaries. She has her own side of the house, and except for meals, thats where she spends her days. Learn to say No. When she is nasty, walk away or say "Mom time to go to your side of the house." If she pouts, let her. You don't have to be nasty just firm like u would be to a child. She will either learn to be nice or not.

Of course you can include her in things, but when she becomes nasty or expects something, back to her side of the house she goes. She screams and hollars, you "gray rock" her. Look it up, gray rock method. You literally shut her out and ignore her. Never show her this upsets you.

Does the poster of this simply need to vent or have a desire to change the situation?

She doesn't only have you, that is your perception and need to "Be The One". I can understand that your siblings do not want her to live with them as there are other options like AL, why everyone jumps right to NH is beyond me.

Your siblings understand that they are entitled to their own lives, not one dedicated to their mother.

In AL she will make friends her own age, have activities, be fed and more.

Basically you have spent the majority of your adult life caring for her and not you.

Time for you to see a therapist to work on your codependency issues, which appears to be a big part of your problem.

She will not change it is you that needs to change. You are conditioned to do what you do, you have had a lot of practice....30 years, YIKEES. since she was in her 50's? Really does not compute to me.