My mother-in-law (68) came to live with us two years ago after suffering a massive stroke. I am a young mom, 36, with a 5, 3, 1 year old and a new baby on the way. I also work and watch my kids from home.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
My MIL is a hermit. All she does is watch TV, either the news or murder mystery. She doesn’t call anyone to pick her up, she doesn’t want to go outside, nothing. She won’t even go to church.
She also has high blood pressure and a rare autoimmune disease caused by the stroke so she has a very strict diet. She gets frustrated she has to cook her own meals, or when we don’t offer her our dinner. I find myself not living at all, things like baking with my kids, cooking the things i enjoy (bacon!), or going out to eat, because I prefer to just avoid the confrontation of her getting upset or making snarky childish comments, plus I just feel bad… how is that?
I feel very resentful and angry. Here’s why…
More than anything, I feel angry because she made such poor choices that put her in this situation. Smoke, drank and ate poorly. We warned her, but she wouldn’t listen. She also had a very codependent personality prior to the stroke. If you do one thing for her, she starts to expect it all the time. I feel a crazy person because it’s hard to tell when she is lying and being codependent vs when she’s actually struggling.
Ultimately, I don’t feel peace in my house. She’s always there. The TV is always on. And I am CONSTANTLY thinking about her.
I’m trapped.
I’m a strong woman of faith and I believe the Lord has me in this season to sharpen me, but I am frankly sad. I try to take it one day at a time because when I think about her being with us for 10+ years I get incredibly upset.
What is a young mother to do?
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Your responsibility is to those kids. Not her.
You have 4 young children to raise and another coming?! Why didn't she get into a facility after her stroke? How did MIL's care giving get shoved on you, when you already have young kids and a baby on the way? That is insane!
What does your husband do to help you? Your priority is your children. Where are other family members? If none, you need to work on getting her into Assisted Living or a Senior Community. She can get Home Care coming in a few days a week from Medicare.
Nobody on earth would expect you to be her 24/7 caregiver when you have a house filled with young children you are responsible for! Get a Social Worker to help you get MIL placed somewhere else. Call her Doctor, for starters. Call APS and tell them you have a family and she is a total burden when trying to raise your young ones! The frustration and hopelessness would be killing me.
You will end up burned to a crisp, and it is totally UNFAIR you have been stuck with the burden of your MIL for any longer. This is unfair to your children too. She can get low income housing somewhere. She won't get any better, only worse.
I would be fighting to get her out with all my might. Good luck.
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Your home is no longer a refuge for you and your kids. This ‘sharpening’ is doing nothing but hurting your kids and compromising your mothering them. Do you think God wants your kids to hurt like this?
Where is your husband in all of this? You don't mention him pitching in or helping in any way. And have you spoken to him about how you're feeling? If he's any kind of man, he should already know how you're feeling just by the look on your face.
This craziness has to stop. It is so very unfair to not only you, but to your young children and unborn child as well.
It's time to have a come to Jesus meeting with your husband first and then your MIL, that you can no longer continue on like this and that your MIL has to go.
And if money is an issue for your MIL, then she'll have to apply for Medicaid and be placed in the appropriate facility.
Her care is NOT your responsibility, nor is it your husbands. Both of your responsibilities are each other first and then your children. PERIOD. End of sentence.
And if your MIL is only 68 years old, heck she could live another 30+ years, not the 10+ that you quoted sad to say.
I too consider myself a strong woman of faith, and under NO circumstances would I allow this nonsense to continue. You've been "sharpened" enough I do believe and now it's time for peace and joy to reside in your house.
I hope and pray that you will have the courage to stand up for yourself and your children and get the ball rolling to make the necessary changes in getting your MIL placed elsewhere soon.
You and your children deserve that much and your children also deserve a mom who is filled with joy and peace and not one that is sad and burned out all the time.
May God bless you and keep you moving forward.
Does your MIL have funds to live on her own in a senior apartment , or assisted living ?
I hope she has funds because this is unsustainable to live like this in your own home , with a job and young children .
Have you told your husband what you have said here?
What was his response?
Your MIL is 68! Does your husband think that you can do this for another 20 years? Granted it could be not that many but it could also be longer.
She has been with you for 2 years....I am surprised that you have a 1 year old an another on the way!
Because I speak from experience when I tell you you are going to have PPD and then a nervous breakdown.
Even if you are not a regular part of any church, many have Elder Care ministries and may be able to provide some relief. It's not a permanent solution but may buy you some breathing room to begin to find a different solution for your Mom.
Call social services for your county and start talking to a social worker. Get your Mom assessed for in-home services she qualify for. She is young enough to receive SSDI and may be a candidate for Section 8 housing or a group home. She won't like any of it but your burden is unsustainable on any level.
Pray for wisdom. In scripture it is promised that God will always give it to you if you ask. May you receive peace in your heart as you work towards other solutions.
what a beautiful response! well said and solid advice.