Should my young family move in with my parents and brother to assist in caregiving?

Here's an idea. Why don't your parents sell a few of the many acres of beautiful land they own and raise some funds that can help them, your brother, and to give their grandkids a good life?

From what you describe here, your parents have plenty of money. If they don't have actual cash assets they own enough property to be rich. They have a big place as you say with a 'separate but connected living space' sounds like that could easily become servants quarters. They could move in a married couple to become caregivers to them and your brother. Or a pair of caregivers who would live there for free and look after everyone and the property. Of course they would have to receive wages and time off in addition to living in a nice place for free. If mom and dad sell some of the many acres of property, paying for some domestic staff won't be a problem.

You and your young family should not move in with them. That will be a huge mistake.

Do not move in with your parents. Your father is caring for mom and his son, and if more help is needed, he can HIRE outside help. Stay the daughter here instead of the resentful caregiver who laments the day she moved in and wrecked her life, her marriage, her autonomy, and most importantly, her children's lives. Your mother, with dementia, will only get more difficult to manage as the disease progresses. Living apart, YOU get to decide if and when the young grandchildren see grandma. Living together, they get to see ALL of grandma's moods and histrionics, whether you want them to or not. My gown children were horrified at my mother's behavior with advanced dementia. Fortunately, she lived in Memory Care Assisted Living so they could pick and choose when to see her and suffer afterwards.

Stick around and read the forum, my friend. You will learn why it's a very bad idea to live in a multi generational home and expect to preserve relationships that were once close. It rarely works out. What sounds good in theory often winds up being so awful in reality that it's mind boggling.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.

Acquaintances of mine have a Down Syndrome adult child. She was a beautiful precious little girl, and from the beginning in their small town, she was brought up to think she'd be independent some day. School, shelters, workshops, etc. They had two younger children as well. Now "Marcy" (not her real name) lives in a group home in a larger town 35 miles from them. Marcy, about age 40, has a job and friends her age. They go to the mall, to parks, to performances. Parents post her pictures on their Facebook page. It is so much better than if they'd kept her bound to home and parents.

My neighbor has a son who has Down Syndrome. Neighbor is a doctor. Their son lives in a group home and visits from time to time. He usually can't wait to get back to his "real" home where his friends are.

Something to think about.

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault. Because I thought I was super-woman and could fly.
It takes forever to find a way out.

—-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
Because my husband is an attorney.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

—-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there. But I was still curious.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
I was warned about the hole.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

—-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Then, I walk down a different street.

No, Dad can care for Mom. Her uncontrolled diabetes may be why she is having cognitive problems. Maybe its time to find a place for brother. Your parents are aging. There are group homes and programs for your brother. I have disabled nephew. I have been able to find him people so I can back off at age 74. I just no longer want to deal with his problems. He has a coordinator that now does that. Big burden off my shoulders.

The benefits do not outweigh the costs. I see no benefit whatever in increasing your work load in a home that is not your own and where your parents will definitely decline and become even more your responsibility. You think that's good, that you should assume it. One thing you've left out of this is your time for your kids, who deserve you more than your parents do. Your parents have lived most of their lives. Your kids are just beginning. There is more to raising kids than you can imagine at this point, trust me.

On top of that, it isn't a good environment for kids when granny is ever declining mentally. They will not understand. Are you prepared for her wandering? Angry outbursts? Poopy diapers? Feeding her? A home with invalids is not easy. You are not a professional caregiver, and your kids don't deserve that.

Then there's the Downs syndrome brother. How much of his care are you willing to assume as your parents become more frail?

Pool, animals, nice property - they are nothing when it means giving up your privacy as a family. Where is your husband in this? I can't believe he'd be willing to put up with it, even if he says he will. You two have NO idea. NONE.

Help your birth family - notice I don't say your family, because that's now your own nuclear family with your kids - help mom and dad find help to live in with them. Or find a placement for them and a group home for brother. That's the best way to help them.

I wish you luck on this journey - but please, for your sake, don't complicate it unnecessarily.

I lived 3 months with my elderly parents when one had a stroke. They are both in their 90's now. It completely takes over your life. I don't have young kids or a husband to consider but if I did, it would be an even harder, No. I moved out to a place nearby and am using their assets to provide 24 hour care in their home. One is mostly independent, one needs a lot of care. I work full time. I have my own life and family. It is very hard to maintain, dealing with agencies and caregivers and feeling all the things as you watch your previously independent parent, decline. Do not become the live in, handle everything, person. I think it is a great suggestion to engage dad while still in his 70's to make arrangements for the Down's syndrome brother. He should not be your responsibility. Elderly parents needs increase, A lot, as many people have already described. It very possible, you and your family will become trapped in this Or, you will be forced to make even harder decisions as things deteriorate. Engage your Dad now, to help make arrangements. It will give you much peace to know what is the plan. Brother is taken care of. ( we have a family history of autism so I refer to that). If Dad (and/or Mom) can't engage in planning, that gives you a lot of information. It will all fall to you, If you let it. Get ahead of it as much as you can. Get brother sorted to an adult family home or stable situation. Mom and dads beautiful property may become hard to maintain, and hard to get regular services like caregivers, home health care, and hospice, if they are rural. We have dealt with the family farm / ranch that everyone loved... Until it became a big nightmare of trouble and needing other people to manage. Be prepared to hire help to maintain it. Or divest, sell or rent it out. Look for long term caregiving solutions now. It will cost A lot of $$$. Don't give up your life for this. your young children and you and your family deserve to live your lives. Use the parents assets to pay for their care. Managing things is a full time job in, and of, itself. Just managing everything. Not doing the hands on caregiving. Don't let anyone discount that. People will try. If you live there, you will be on duty all the time. All of their problems will be yours. IMO, you will not be happy. Be prepared for a lack of support from family, if you have any. Friends also drift away because you are preoccupied with problem solving, constantly looking for help with your parents issues. Its not fun to be around. Your life disappears in a matter of weeks. Go in Eyes Wide Open. Your parents are only 70's. This can go on for 20+ years. Think ahead. You are fortunate Dad is still a part of the decision making. Engage and support him to make plans. Also engage brother, to his abilities. Otherwise, it will all fall on you. Don't let it. If you go the home care route, Look for caregivers who will stay the course for the long haul if you are committed to keeping them at home as long as possible. Read about the pitfalls of home care and the limitations. Know that it still requires constant oversight and a significant time commitment. Search this forum for information because there is tons of valuable info. Good luck.

Unless you are a true angel, I would say the plusses of feeling like the good daughter, having the extra living area, large yard, and pool are just not going to be enough to make this a good idea. I moved in with my mom from a few blocks away. You say you will hate leaving your own home. If you do move, you will most certainly hate that you did. I was in my mid 60's when I did it, with of course grown children. You, raising children as already a huge responsibility, plus the job, and husband, will wear yourself out. Just visit your parents and brother with the kids and let them roam the yard and swim in the pool. They'll have great memories when they are older. After 4 years of living with my mom I went back to my own house and added on more caregivers until she had to go to assisted living. I still had my house. So glad I came back home. You, however, are thinking of not having it to go back to if things don't work out. Be the good daughter who helps to make a plan, visits often, and stays in touch as much as possible, even overnights occasionally, making sure Mom has nice clothes, good haircuts, the girl things that Dad might not completely understand to do. And when you see he can't handle all of it, encourage him to get help or placement in a nice facility for her.

There is no plus side, your children will be exposed to things they really shouldn't be exposed to on a regular basis. Watching an old dementia laden person get worse is a very negative, depressing situation.

The pool and all the things you are excited for will not override everything else, your children will carry their childhood into adulthood.

You do understand that your parents could live for another 20+ years...my mother is 99.

If they can no longer manage independently, they will have to make their choice as to what their next step is.

Your priority should be the well-being of your family.

Read around here, you have no idea what you and your family will be in for, don't do it.

It sounds, on 'paper' to be a good plan.

However--all 3 of the people requiring care NOW are just going to get 'worse'. You'll find that the level of care they might need NOW will just double down each year, over time.

My mother and dad moved in with my YB 25 years ago. Dad lived there for 11 years before he passed, mom (with help) was able to care for him. Then she began to age out and there were 14 years that my YB was the primary CG for her.

Mom passed 18 months ago. My brother loved my mom very much, but he has said, many many times --"We should have had them in Assisted Living rather than move them here."

It was HIS choice to do this. They had a separate apartment, but were still very much a part of the day-to-day of YB's family.

Please don't do this. It's really only a temporary fix. Look way down the line--not just at what you'd be doing NOW, but what would be expected in 10 years. Or 30? Your brother could live a full life span.

If your folks have funds and such--get them the care they need when they need it. Don't let YOU be the only answer to every problem. That's what my YB did and he regrets those years he cannot get back.