My husband has severe dementia/Alzheimer's. He lives at home with me and I am his sole caregiver.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but also glad you’re seeking a solution to ensure you are both safe and guarding your own health. Please seek the counsel of an elder care attorney, you will learn how to best plan for the financial aspect of your husband’s care and your own financial stability as well. Don’t discuss any moving plans with your husband again, it will only lead to confusion and possible conflict. Move his belongings without his knowledge ahead of the actual move. On the day of the move, do not say where you’re going. Many places advise coming at lunch, the two of you have lunch and then you slip away quietly. This may seem harsh but you’ll need to rely on the experience of the professionals to guide you. Always remember, you matter too. Your husband needs you healthy and rested to be his advocate in his new setting, and you’ll be able to do just that without being exhausted and stressed out. I wish you peace

You do not need to go thru all your money to keep him in MC. See an Elder lawyer about having your assets split, his split going to his care. When his money is gone you apply for Medicaid. Yes, it may mean him going into a Long-term care facility but sometimes MC is not enough. Once hevis on Medicaid you become a Community spouse. You remain in the home, have a car and enough or all of your monthly income to live on. I am just giving the basics but an Elder lawyer, versed in Medicaid law, can give you more info.

You Need a break sounds Like this Lifestyle is no Longer sustainable .

Below is a link to a pdf download from the Alzheimer's association about how to transition a loved one into Memory Care Assisted Living. Using fibs and medication is recommended, along with making no mention of the move beforehand. Have a look:

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.alz.org/media/cacentral/documents/professional-care-22-successful-move-to-dementia-care.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjLzrDD7oWGAxVwADQIHeNoDUYQFnoECA8QBg&usg=AOvVaw0f7K5HM3ofRjBWjjxNXyVo

You should speak to a Certified Elder Care attorney about the financial aspect of all this and how to apply for Medicaid on his behalf if he's still alive when the private pay funds run out. Or if it's better to go about this move in another way. These attorneys are a wealth of knowledge and want to help you not impoverish yourself.

Finally, if hubby is a war vet he may be entitled to Aid and Attendance benefits from the VA if he served in the military during war time. The attorney can guide you on how to apply.

You're doing the right thing because your life matters too. Dementia care often becomes unmanageable at home so Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing care is the only viable option. Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.

I am sorry but this isn't doable.
You cannot assume care for an elder, especially one who acts out in this manner 24/7, when it would take an entire team to have any control.
I don't know what diagnosis you have, but this sounds very like FTD wherein he may be relatively OK one moment and violent the next.
If he will not voluntarily go to this, then he will likely have to go through EMS transport, and he is going to need memory care or nursing home, and very likely medication as well.

There is no need for you to assume some mantle of guilt. You didn't cause this and you cannot fix it and guilt requires causation. You are grieving because he is suffering and you cannot control it, cannot change it, cannot do it at all.

You are going to be busy enough now getting division of finances set up and getting him settled into care. He is likely going to need some trials at some medications that will help him while in care.

I am so very sorry. What a crucible this is.