Our 91 year old mom is in skilled care. She recently accused my sister of stealing her diabetic socks. She has been very hateful to her. What to do?

My mother has been difficult all my life. I have never been good enough. I have no idea when she crossed the line from “difficult” to “dementia” as she could talk a great game one minute and be totally illogical and paranoid the next. Yes, your mother sounds like she has dementia.

The bad news: I, her trigger, have been chewed out for ruining her life, refusing to move in with her when my husband died, daring to remarry and have kids, stealing her stuff and money, not doing enough for her (just meal planning, shopping, some cooking, cleaning, laundry, banking, booking appts, driving), holding her hostage, trying to poison her with her own meds, and (my personal favourite) making her grow old. (she’s 99)

The day after raging at me, my cousins could visit and it was happy fun party time. All her venom was directed at me.

The good news: Now she rarely recognizes me. I’m just some nice lady who visits (once a month - my mental health is important too) and seems to know what she likes to talk about. Hopefully she’ll forget your sister.

I know my mother has dementia, but given our history, it is still difficult not to take it personally and I’d love to know why I was never good enough. But I will never get an answer. Nor will your sister. And you can’t punish someone with dementia because her broken brain won’t process cause and effect. Your sister may be afraid she’ll turn you all against her. That you’ll believe she’s a thief. It’s an awful position to be in.

Document everything for the doctor. Surely the staff will see it too.

Dementia is a hard, hard road to navigate for both the 'patient' and the CG's both.

There really is no rhyme or reason as to why a dementia patient picks one person out as the being 'the good' kid or another as being the 'bad kid'.

I hope you siblings simply love and support the sister who is being targeted. Let her know that you don't believe mom and that you love her--and will stick up for you to mom (as much good as that can do when the brain starts to short circuit like that).

Since you already are aware that sister has had a checkered past with mom--it's probably just that and there's not really anything you can do.

Yes, get mom checked for a UTI, but in my experience, every time my MIL got nasty--the sibs would all hope it was a UTI and I think in her last year or life, that was the cause only once.

Your sister should not be the only one talking to the Dr. And she shouldn't be the one to diagnose this. FYI--dementia can 'come and go'. Someone who is a trigger for a person's 'bad behavior' should maybe just keep their distance. I was the trigger for my own mom. IDK why, never will. But when she'd have a spat with me--I'd just give her a hug and say "I'll come back when you feel better".

Sometimes I didn't 'go back' for months. Called self preservation.

There is no reasoning with mom now. This is the way she is at this point.

Nothing will be accomplished by punishing mom for her behavior. Mom may not have enough empathy or understanding to know that she's being punished by the siblings. She may even forget about them in short order.

The last thing you need is to get embroiled in a war of family members. If your sister refuses to see what's right in front of her, that's her problem, and she needs help (probably not just on that front but others too, since we often use the same coping skills for various problems).

I suggest that you stop commiserating with anyone, just refuse to discuss who's right and who's wrong. Be there for mom, study up on dementia, keep your lip zipped about it with mom, and be her best advocate so she can live her best life where she is.

Even though your brother is MPOA, you can write her doctor a note on your own so that doctor will know to pay attention to mom's symptoms next time she's there for a check-up.

Good luck, and please update as this plays out.

Your sister thinks your mother is “mean and hateful’. And she is. Whether she has dementia or not, is ‘to blame’ or not, the fact is that she is being horrible to your sister. Just agree with your sister that the behavior is “mean and hateful”, and congratulate her on getting a ‘free pass’ not to visit M.

My understanding is that it is very difficult to get a ‘dementia’ diagnosis medically until the autopsy stage (a bit late for your family), so it is normally diagnosed from behavior. M’s behavior is consistent with dementia, but apparently also consistent with the way she has treated your sister long term. Don’t believe that a diagnosis will change anything much. It’s not a ‘get out of jail free’ card for bad behavior, which still exists even if you can blame it on the disease. Your poor sister! And for pity's sake, don't talk about how 'warm and loving' M is to the rest of you.

If I may ask, why is your mother in a nursing home? When the 'stealing' accusations start up and the other asinine nonesense, that's classic dementia behavior.

If your mother was mean and nasty to your sister 'historically' (nice choice of wording) dementia can amplify that behavior times a hundred.

I am sorry for your sister. I really am. My guess is she was probably miserable growing up with your mother and was the family scapegoat as I was. You and your siblings should show her some kindness because she needs it. It's very hard to be the scapegoat sibling that mom or dad treat badly. I know how that feels and it's sad. All of you should talk to the administrator of the nursing home and your mother's doctor together about her having dementia and these people are the ones who should explain this to your sister. It will be easier for her to hear if it's coming from a doctor or other health care professional.

The good news here is that your mother is already in a nursing home so none of you will have to figure out where or who she's going to live with or homecare for her.

As for your sister, be kind to her and encourage her to speak wo a therapist to help her work through the hard feelings she has towards your mother. Don't dismiss the hard feelings she has because they're valid, but don't go along with her nonsense of trying to get all of you to abandon your mother in solidarity for her. She has to learn how to understand dementia and how to process the past with your mother and deal with it. Therapy can help her with that. If your mother is mean and cruel to her when she visits, she should for her own mental health stop visiting her.

You know you, your brother, and other sibs should come right out and ask your mother in plain language why she hates your sister so much. Why is she loving to the rest of you, but treats her so badly. If she cannot explain or denies it, that's dementia. It is what it is.

Funkygrandma is right. Soon enough the family members who don't believe she has dementia will realize it when she turns on them, and she will.

Paranoia/suspicions/delusions can happen at any point in someone's dementia journey. Please have your sister read the following:

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/suspicions-delusions

Please take my word for it that it is 100% pointless to try to "prove" or convince that person that their thinking is erroneous. When my 95-yr old Mom has a pocket of paranoid thinking (usually about me "mishandling" or "stealing" her money) it doesn't matter how many printouts of her statements or calls to the bank. Please read about how to deal with this. It is unnerving and sad. Thankfully right now my Mom doesn't do it often, but it is becoming more frequent.

Whoever is your Mom's PoA should make sure she has a medical diagnosis in her records. If she doesn't have a PoA then I'm not sure what the next step is without talking to an elder law attorney.

Your mother may have a UTI. She may have dementia. But the important thing is that she now need medical care. As the POA your oldest brother is beholden to get that.
If he refuses you need at least to check the urine with a dipstick method. Order Urine hat receptacle on ebay, put in toilet. Collect specimen and check with dipstick which is cheap online or in pharmacy. A UTI can cause sudden changes in mentation and paranoia. So can being out of her environment and in facility.

It is a shame your sister doesn't wish to educate herself, but you cannot change those who wish to remain without information. You can tell them once and then move on to get your mother care she needs. At 91 this is either one thing or the other, or even both, but she deserves an evaluation.

Best of luck to you.

Paranoia is a definite sign of dementia, and it should be treated as such.
Your oldest brother will have to request that your mom be evaluated for dementia, and if he doesn't, don't worry as she will soon enough be exhibiting other behaviors that will leave those family members that don't believe she has dementia with no doubt.
Please have your brother read up on paranoia and dementia, and he will have a clearer view on exactly what is happening.
You should also have your mom tested for a UTI, as they can often produce dementia type symptoms as well.

No body can say she has or doesn’t have dementia until she is evaluated.

My husband the doctor believes that by the time you get to 90, most people will have at least a little touch of dementia by default

How many times do we experience ourselves or witnessed this type of behavior in other families?

Sadly, some moms do play favorites whether dementia is involved or not.

Dementia adds another layer of complexity to the situation, if you are dealing with this, but it doesn’t remove the fact that your sister has become your mother’s target.

It’s sad all around. It becomes worse when siblings relish that they are the favored ones. I am glad that you are showing empathy towards your sister.

Wishing you and your family all the best.