How do I handle arguing with my mother over money?

Mother: "Loren, you aren't like me. You are more like your father (who I divorced, is implied)."
Loren: CRICKETS? Nothing? Really?
You are an adult.
Your could say:
Loren: "Really, Mom. Can you explain to me the ways I am like Dad?" (gently. Sweetly. Softly and with great curiousity and a quizzical expression on your pretty face).

How about that for an idea? And then........ dependent on the answer, it could maybe go this way:

IF mom says mean and negative things about Dad........
Loren's reactions could be:
Loren: "Well, Mom, you seem to find both Dad and I not especially likeable.
You divorced Dad. Would you like to divorce me? Because, really, Mom, people don't change. I won't be changing, for certain, because I don't specially WANT to change. But I CAN relieve you of my presence. And would be happy to do that for you. Would you like that?"
(Loren stays very sweet and gentle during this reaction).

Loren,
I don't know what to say to you other than that you were likely raised by a woman with serious limitations as a mother, and she won't be changing; no miracles of love and acceptance will be coming your way from her, no matter how well hubby mows the lawn.

That leaves you with choices.
You are a grownup. You are RESPONSIBLE NOW for making your choices. Stay as you are or change things for yourself.

You can complain and marinate in your mother's bad behaviors toward you, but that won't really change anything. And while some friends will sympathize and think you a martyred Saint, they will soon enough tire of the stories and begin to wonder why you don't walk away from abuse. They will begin to think not "What's the matter with mom" but instead, "what's the matter with Loren?".

Consider getting psychological help. A cognitive therapist won't waste your time talking about your childhood and toilet training issues. A cognitive therapist will shake you up a bit and point you toward different paths from the habitual ones you are on. She will make you weep, wail and work.

It takes TREMENDOUS courage to leave the "known" even when the known is harmful and abusive, so when you start on a new path (if that is your choice) give yourself a huge round of applause and praise and as many medals as you can find. Like I said, it makes you a hero to change yourself. And your SELF is the only one you can change.

I wish you so much luck. You will be so proud of yourself when you endeavor to do this for yourself. And then you won't need the praise of Mom or me or anyone else. The very best out to you.

Just tell your mom you can't mow her grass anymore and she will have to hire a weekly lawn service to do it. Honestly if she cannot take care of her house and yard she should be looking at moving. If you keep propping up her household you and hubby will be even more burnt out than you already are.

And just because she says all this will be tours someday (whatever that carrot is she is dangling over your head) means nothing because mom may need to go into a facility one day and all that may have to be sold if she ever needs to go on medicaid.

All elders should pay for all their own services, supplies, rent, mortgages, food, doctor bills, etc. If they cannot afford to do so, their home should be sold to downsize into a smaller place where they can budget accordingly.

You're already "just like your father" whom mother divorced, not good enough, so why on earth are you feeling sorry for her and jumping thru fiery hoops to please a person who won't BE pleased? Let go of the notion that suddenly mother will become the mom you've always wanted. She won't and you'll keep getting kicked in the butt until you decide ENOUGH.

Enjoy your weekends with DH and tell mother to call a lawn service.

Sometimes money & family just cannot mix well.

Make the split.

DH stops mowing. He gets more free time. Win.
No more awkward conversations about money. Win.
No more listenting to you'll own all this one day... that comes with inbuilt expections to earn it with busy work now. Win.

Your Mom hires her own lawn maintenance person. She can view this as a loss.. or.. a win for her independance.

Just tell her you both work FULL TIME and can't do it anymore....even for money.

You can always ask her, "How many people have you worked FOR for FREE?"
I would remind her you paid your own way in life, like you were raised to do.

Above all, did she do the yard work for her elderly parents for free? If she makes money off crops, she knows life is not a free ride. If someone is that selfish and ungrateful, don't do ANYTHING for them....Mother or not.
She's clearly a control freak. With money, because she refuses to pay people to work for her. Stop falling for it. KEEP THOSE BOUNDARIES.

Well...for me, sitting in my home this is a simple thing to resolve.
You STOP mowing her lawn.
You STOP going to help her with ALL the things that you have been helping her with.
When you get back from vacation don't pick up where you left off.
This is all part and parcel of the boundaries that you set.
( by the way setting boundaries is not jut boundaries for her but for YOU. )
If the city, village, county whatever governing agency comes along and says she has to mow or she will get a ticket do NOT break down and mow. She can call someone and pay them to get it done.

All the better that she is not answering the phone....you should not be calling.

Mom isn’t changing, except perhaps to worsen. You already know exactly what to expect from her. And no, you’ve done nothing wrong. Print out some prices of commercial landscape companies cost of mowing a lot the size of hers. Ask if she’d prefer to hire one of them or continue paying your husband a smaller rate. Or if your husband doesn’t want to do it anymore, as is his right, just give her the prices and say he’s bowing out. No explanation or justification needed. When she starts the criticism leave her home or get off the phone immediately, each and every time, even if you just arrived. We truly do teach people how to treat us, most often unknowingly. Don’t let manipulation of “this being yours” faze you a bit. I wish you peace

Your mother has plenty of money to hire help. Let her do that and stop mowing her lawn for free. It's not rocket science to stop being taken advantage of by a penny pinching, selfish elder. You and hubby need to take care of yourselves.

Don’t mow it. Don’t argue. Go up on the price to $200. She will find someone to do it for less and feel righteous. You will both win.

By the time it “all” belongs to you, you will hate the place. It won’t hold good memories for you. It will only represent a reminder of a wasted life being a slave to someone who is herself damaged.
Hopefully she will have enough saved to pay for her old age care but it is time to realize that while her care is assured, yours and your husbands will not be unless you shift your focus. Accept that and walk away with your very life.

Find out what your dreams are and what your husbands dreams are. If it is to mow someone else’s grass you can find plenty of people to appreciate your efforts closer to home.
I am so sorry you are stuck.

Here is a good book recommendation.
“What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing”

Notice it doesn’t ask What’s wrong with you? Find out what happened to you and maybe you can heal the trauma enough to start living your life and not just reacting to what she’s got going on in hers.

Thank you for letting us know how it is going. We are cheering you on.

Why are you arguing with her about money? Let it all go to pot and then she will have to pay when the city or county when they charge her for lack of upkeep.

Let. Her. fail