Once you place your loved one in an AL and they are not at your house does the caregiver go though withdraws emotionally and physically?

Similar To the Empty nest syndrome - They are No Longer there . You will worry are they Ok ? You will need a new Purpose in Life . The exhaustion will Kick in and rest , Take Naps and heal and be kind to yourself . You May Cry . You may want to go on a cruise . You will also Be thankful they are in someone else's hands when you realize how depleted you really are .

My SIL & her DH moved in with my FIL about 9 years ago. About 4 years ago - he had completely stopped doing anything for himself (by choice in the beginning) and was completely dependent on them and my DH and myself for his care. He was very nearly bedbound and @300lbs. So there was a line in the sand - if he couldn't get himself out of the bed and to the bathroom - we had to look at our options.

In November 2022 he hit that point - although it would be another 6 months before it would be official. He started the hospital>rehab> home cycle and in April 2023 we put our collective foot down and said we weren't taking him home.

He moved into SNF in May 2023. But for a full year and a month - SIL in particular - still living in his home - could literally not relax. Nor could we. Constant phone calls, verbal attacks, needing something brought to him, paying his bills, fixing his phone, protecting him from scammers.

My SIL is quite literally just NOW getting to the point where she can relax and not tense up every time the phone rings. FIL passed away in December 2023. We just sold his house and they moved out about a week ago. She is the most relaxed I have seen her in years.

The time he was in the SNF - was honestly worse than when he was home. He was not happy about being there - and wanted us to know it- upwards of 25 times a day.

What do you need to know?

It's ok to not be on call 24/7. You don't have to run every time LO needs the first little thing "I'll bring it the next time we visit". You may feel a lot of emotions - including relief. And whatever you feel - just know that your feelings are ok.

Don't take more than they expressly need in the facility. Don't attempt to ease the transition by staying there for a great deal of time. Many facilities actually encourage family to stay away to allow time for their LO to adjust. Don't feel like you have to jump if it isn't an emergency.

Breathe - take a few days of NOT visiting or talking on the phone and allow yourselves time to get your energy and life back.

It's ok to do things that don't have to do with them. You may feel like you have to manage things FOR them from home. You don't - that's why they are going to AL. Let the AL do their job.

And first and foremost give yourself some grace and time.

My mother was very combative and, for almost a year after I placed her in a care facility, I still found myself jumping every time the front door opened (she had a flat in our yard), locking the bathroom door, dashing to my car to get in it before she could intercept me, hiding info about my plans, avoiding gardening where I could be seen from her windows, placing dishwasher pods out of reach (she thought they were candy) and startling awake, certain I heard her in our house.

The rest of the time I stared off into space or watched movies.

I alternated between hyper vigilance and numb detachment.

It’s been over 2 years and I’ve unwound enough to feel like myself again.

A few days after she was placed we took our kids to Niagara Falls for the day. We walked miles, took a bazillion photos, ate ice cream, and spent an obscene amount of money at the Hershey store.

Give yourself recovery time. Do what your heart desires at a pace your body allows.

I just recently had to place my 92 year old mom in a memory care facility. She was only a few houses away from me so I was there constantly the last 3 years. Around the holidays things spiraled downward. She forgot how to use the phone, wandering outside, no appetite, knobs taken off the gas stove, 15lb wt loss. Cameras installed. I tried everything to keep her safe and at home.I knew it was time for placing her when I was becoming severely physically and emotionally affected. We were going to get homecare, but if the aide calls in, or doesn't show up, i would still have to be on stand by. The first few weeks were awful. The guilt I felt was overwhelming. We told her it was a rehab for a little while, now we call it her " new apartment " i felt like i was abandoning my child. The staff has been amazing to comfort mom, and the family. We visit at least 3 times a week, take her out for a ride when we can . She has been sleeping through the night, and her appetite has improved greatly. We're all still adjusting, but are comforted knowing she is safe.

Watching my DH go through a lot of guilt and feels that he is uncomfortable with--yes, I think that the paradigm shift from being on 'high alert' all the time to actually feeling 'useless' is hard.

DH retired to take care of his mother. He made no 'plans' for retirement and thinks that since he's stopped working, so have I.

Any woman who has primarily run the household will tell you that a retired spouse is a PITA. He's at loose ends and wants to sleep all day, or go on long, aimless car rides! Ihave stuff to do and people to care for. Besides being 90% in charge of caring for our home...meals, cleaning, laundry, he thinks I do nothing all day. I also tend grandkids several times a week.

It's such a relief to have MIL gone. DH isn't adjusted to that. He is the executor, but it's only b/c his OB is pushing him so hard that anything's been done.

Once MIL's house sells, and all the investments are liquidated and disbursed--then I am going to have him see a man we know who helps 'retirees' find their joy again. DH LOVED his job. I KNOW if he called his old boss, he'd be PT employed again. THAT was his primary joy in life.

Your body and mind are coming off of being in panic mode all the time. When you are a caregiver is seems like there is a crisis all the time so caregivers are in constant fight or flight mode and their adrenaline is on high all the time. Your mind and body can't really rest because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yes, you are feeling the effects of your body and mind trying to decompress after being "on" all the time. It can take a while to reprogram ourselves when we aren't shouldering the responsibility to relax and to breathe.

A sigh of temporary relief...but then more issues. AL is definitely good for you but the adjustment period is demanding, more phone calls and needs. I'm hoping you are close? I know that it's a difficult transition for all. It's easier but harder because you're expected to run on a whim and drop everything. Now many say don't run,let them adjust to the new environment, true! A few weeks or so,ask the facility for guidance. Just because they're not there with you doesn't mean that they won't need you any less. Hopefully they can adjust and make new friends. It took me months to accept that I couldn't reach mom at times ( dead battery, on mute)and I worried about her lots! I ended up calling her AL facility for a courtesy check and have her call me back. You'll get to come home and relax until the next phone call. Remember that you need this as much as they do and you're doing the right thing, don't feel guilty and set some boundaries. If you have to, say I'm sorry I can't make it right now. I lost my mom last October and I wake up thinking I should call her? Sometimes you just have problems with separation, naturally. Take time to rejuvenate yourselves and get back to your lives! Burnout socks!

Yes, absolutely. Your brain is stuck on habitual path mode and it will take a while, slowly moving out to take walks, go out to lunch, see a movie, plan a trip, take up a new hobby to bring a sort of zen-like peace to the brain.

Think of the brain as a computer with setting scripted in.

Try not to marinate in the past, try not to access the past. Stay on today and make certain that every single week you do something new and different you didn't do. Follow a bus route beginning to end. Spend two hours exploring in the library. Take up knitting, Rhumba, Pilates, and anything that might have a bit of exercise involved.

This will take time. It took time to train your brain to DO it and it'll take time to train it to stop.

I had my Mom for 20 months. She was easy, I was just not a Caregiver. It was not to be a permanent thing, was waiting for her house to sell. When she was placed in an AL, some of that burden was lifted. For one thing, I got a good nights sleep. Mom used to get up in the middle of the night. It was nice to have our lives back.

First thing I would do is plan a nice vacation. Your LO is safe and cared for.

Is the caregiver giving up an addictive substance like tobacco, alcohol, sugar, or narcotics?

If the answer is 'no' then you're not going through withdraws.

What you are going through is a transition. For years you had no time. Your day-to-day lives were taken up being caregivers.

Now you have nothing but time and don't know what to do with it.

So, let me make a few suggestions.

-Start sleeping and staying up late

-Take long drives together

-Do some day time drinking

-Start having French luncheon with your wife in the afternoon.

-Learn how to cook different world cuisines together. In fact take a couple's cooking class. They're fun.

-Start entertaining. Invite friends over weekly for dinner and and a movie. Or games and cards. Or whatever you like. How long has it been since the two of you entertained in your home? Or went out for an evening with friends?

-Take a vacation

-Take up a hobby

You have your lives back and you're free. Start living them again.

On the day 'they' get to the AL, you and your wife go out to dinner to celebrate getting your lives back. It doesn't have to be anywhere fancy. It can just be pizza and beer, but that pizza and beer will be the best meal you've ever had. You will not have to rush through it to get home. You won't be nervously waiting for the babysitter who's minding your LO's while you're out to call with some crisis or other. You two can just sit there and take your good, sweet time enjoying that pizza and beer.

My friend, when a caregiving situation that you've been chained to for years ends, it's wonderful. Your LO's aren't dead. They're in AL. Let yourselves enjoy the euphoria of this for the next few months. It's like a being on a honeymoon.