If you drop POA with the goal of still visiting as a child, how do you explain the POA drop to your parent?

I can’t remember enough about your F to know if there is any point in this, but here goes. If he can still ‘reason’, perhaps you could discuss with him what he wants from you as POA. If he wants you to do what he wants, you tell him that you cannot do that. Legally when you act, you have to act in his best interests. His best interests are often not what he wants. He wants to make decisions as if he is young and capable again, and that is not possible because he is not young or able to carry out impossible things.

You don’t have to make all the decisions for him. He can do what he wants, and you won’t intervene unless you can see that it will be very very bad for him. But if you must intervene, there is no point in him arguing. He is not arguing with you, he is arguing with the law. If he tries to argue, deflect to ‘it’s the law’. ‘Get another lawyer if you want to argue’ may be a better choice than ‘get another POA”.

It sounds like he needs better medical management of his anger. Too, he may need the support memory care can provide (if he's in AL). A good MC has a better resdient to staff ratio, and staff that are trained more specifically to take care of dementia residents.

I forgot to mention one part - one distressing aspect to me is increasing yelling, verbal abuse towards staff in the AL ( some of whom can handle this, some of whom I think just stay away), but also now towards medical staff/ visiting health professional people. Eg, now we are on the 3rd physical therapist, the first 2 would not work with him. Even with this one, she feels threatened by the yelling, and will cut things short and just send me some PDFs of exercises to show him. So I suppose the concern is that health care things that are prescribed are not being done. I suppose this does not preclude me staying as POA. I will just start taking regular notes of why things are not getting done . (also if he asks me to try to find a 4th physical therapist, no I wont do that! its either work with this one, or not).

Struggling; think of it this way,

You need to act in your father's best interests, NOT do everything he tells you to,

Phrases like "I need to check into that" , "that's not something I can do anything about", and "I'm going to leave now; I'll come back when we can talk about something less contentious" might be very useful.

And remember, you DO need to get up and leave when he gets nasty.

Strugglin, are you thinking you can drop your POA without your father knowing that?
He made you his POA. You have to RESIGN with a letter to him.
And hopefully he is competent enough to receive it and get state guardianship.

I really don't understand the question. Do you mean you want to know what to tell OTHERS?
Because A) it isn't their business at ALL and they shouldn't be asking. But B) IF they ask you simply say:
"I'm not fee really to discuss Dad's private affairs, but I have decided it is best that I stay his SON, and not his POA. So he now will have a Fiduciary to take care of his affairs and I will be his son."
So that's the answer for that hoard of "others", who, like me (Roger would tell you) are NOSY! Ha ha.

Now on to Dad himself. If he is competent enough to get the letter of resignation then it is :
"Dad, my trying to make decisions for you hasn't worked well for either of us, and I don't want to be your "decider-in-chief" and so I am not going to be your POA. We will get a Fiduciary who will have the oversight of the entire court system of our State to watch over him, and I can go back to being your son".

End of statement.
Easy. Real easy when approached with honesty. Because it is the dead on truth from what you have written to us.

Now if Dad can't be resigned (not competent) then it is the attorney and you tell him the same thing essentially, but it will be less well understood, and what, in the throes of dementia, IS understood? Virtually nothing, right.

I think I will also read my POA contract again, and then try to stop myself from taking on responsibilities that are not there !
I read a summary of the state expectations of a POA of an elder. There are not a lot of details stated, mostly to make sure the POA is acting in the Primcipal’s best interest. It doesn’t say you have to tackle each and every problem or concern per se.

Thanks , these are all good points I have to think carefully about . One more question ~ have any of you found that as dementia worsens, and with the parent placed in the right facility care , the stresses actually get easier on you? I think maybe some of you have alluded this - that as time goes on and his memory worsens that his constant planning to go home and his rejection of certain doctors and care might even lessen?
before going further into thought about dropping POA, I’m going to push again for Geri- psychiatry evaluation and posssible medication, which may well help the situation a lot

POA is a tool I would not give up. Financial POA is just that, for finances. Does not mean you have to care for him. Does not mean you have to be at his beck and call. Does not mean u have to mow his lawn. It means you oversee his finances. Gives you the ability to place him. Gives you the ability to sell his car and house. Gives u the ability to hire people. The Medical, gives you the ability to make sure his wishes are carried out and to make health discisions that aren't covered in the POA.

He is not going to understand that ur giving up POA. What you need to do is set boundaries for yourself. I really don't think at this point he will stop expecting things from you.

Nothing relationally will change. He won't be able to remember or care that you're no longer PoA. He will still complain and expect you to fix things and make bad decisions.

On other posts where it has been recommended to drop PoA and things improved, it is because the adult child walked away completely. You seem to still want it both ways, but you won't be able to have it. You're the only one who can change and adjust and remember. Maybe some/most of the mental load will be lifted for you if you drop PoA, but it won't improve his treatment and expectations of you. And then when a problems continue to need solving, you'll once again have a front-row seat to the trainwreck with no power. Isn't that where you started? Please stop wanting him to be someone he can't, won't be and never was.

Strugglinson, in my opinion making that choice might even make things more stressful for you. For one, the personalities won't change and the family dynamics won't either.
I've considered that option too with my Mom but decided no one else knows her like I do. I've also come to learn there are limits in even being POA. It comes down to handling what you know you can in the legal things and saying no to the rest.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I personally wouldn't be comfortable handing over certain things to a lawyer and specifically the state. I'm the only option my Mom has at this point.
Good luck in your decision.
Thinking of you.

Strugglinson, I have to tell you to think long and hard before you give up POA. Once it's gone, you will have no ability to legally advocate for your dad. This could be a huge problem for you and dad's care in the future.

You say yourself when he complains, so he is going to continue being dad, venting and chewing on you, so why give up the only authority you have to help where you can?

You don't have to make decisions now for every complaint just because you are his POA. You just have to learn to navigate your boundaries and what really needs your attention. Easier said than done but, very possible.

Not saying you, as his son, shouldn't wash your hands of it. Just want you to understand it will be permanent and leave you and possibly dad, hanging in a crisis. Which speaking from personal experience, takes years off your life. I watched my dad receive abominable care, almost went to jail and, raised a hospital roof, all because I didn't have a POA and he wasn't able to self advocate. They wouldn't have treated him if I wasn't there. The places I had to go to get him care made me realize that I would not being doing it again because someone doesn't want to assign a POA. It was a brutal experience and one you could possibly face if you give up your authority.

Read the state law that fully explains what your fiduciary responsibilities are and operate from that. I promise you will be saying no, nope, not gonna happen a whole lot more once you know what you're truly required to do as POA.

Anywho, I have followed your story and I felt compelled to share what I have here.

Best of luck dealing with the most difficult situation in life, becoming your parents authority. Hard on everyone involved. May you find the right path forward 🙏.

Excellent new question !!!
I wish I had good answers 🥺. It is next to impossible to explain since Dad most likely will not understand , grasp or remember , as Dad gets stuck in his own OCD thought loops.

I doubt Dad will act any differently than he does now when you visit him . He will still be fixated , complaining and wanting you or anybody he can recruit to fix things to how he wants them to be . Just as he even tries to get his brother to help him get his way . He’s a collection of broken records. He’s also like a kid that goes from one parent that says “ No “ to the other trying to get the answer he wants to hear .

If you say anything I think you may have to say that a professional is going to be enlisted to manage all his requests and make sure he gets the care he needs .

It may not stick , you may have to keep saying it , and as his dementia gets worse , you may have to just go to vague , stalling answers about his requests , “ the options are being considered “. “ Perhaps that can be looked into “. “ It may take time for that “. The doctor will have to be consulted “.

Hopefully others here have better answers. It’s a tough one for sure.

With dementia going on, there isn't much info dad is likely to retain anyway, no matter what you tell him. I'd keep it simple, and say you're visiting him as his son now instead of the decision maker for everything. You'd prefer a loving father/son relationship than butting heads any day.

I suppose all that you can do is tell him. He may not understand completely but I think you will be at ease knowing that you at least tried.

You have done all that you can do for your dad. Whether he knows this or not is sort of irrelevant.

I am glad to see that you are looking out for yourself. So many times caregivers place their own lives on hold, which only causes additional stress to an already stressful situation.

Your physical and emotional health are very important. I am thrilled that you aren’t going to make the mistake that I and others have made by placing our parent’s needs above our own.

You are not abandoning your father. Hopefully, he will realize this. Even if he doesn’t, you are still going to be a part of his life.

Best wishes to you as you transition into this new phase.