Rogerwyatt7890 Asked May 23, 2024

Feeling guilty. Am I going the right thing?

This week has been horrible, as you are all aware. Today the neighbors came by and low and behold, she acted normal. I told the neighbors what was going on and how I am placing her. It seems everyone is against it and thinks I'm a horrible person. They don't see what goes on 24/7, but I feel guilty on days like this when she acts normal. Am I going the right thing?

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I understand exactly how you feel! It is a long story but many many people in my town plus some family members have criticized me about my dad because I have not moved in with him. People like this have no idea what a caregiver goes through. I have no siblings so it has been tough!. Today he moved to a facility and he seems to finally be ok with it. But I have to admit, I too, felt/feel guilty although I know it is what is best for him. Try your best to keep people out of your business because most of them that are complaining are not going to do anything to help you. You are doing the right thing because only YOU know what goes on. Prayers to you and hang in there!!

Helpful Answer (9)

Well, I'm beginning to see that the caregivers are part of the problem. The un-caregivers have no idea what we go through, and we'd all probably agree that they don't. We need to do more PR on our behalf.

So many people I know have been criticized for putting a relative in memory care. "Memory Care" sounds so mild....mom can't recall where she put her phone, and the toothpaste keeps turning up in the fridge, so her Terrible Daughter sent her to Memory Care instead of keeping her at home. Shame on Daughter!

But those things are like one-tenth of the story. Mom also poops in her dresser drawer, walks around naked when the cable guy is in the house, lets loose with shocking expletives to her toddler grandkids. Common decency doesn't allow us to spread the word about mom eating her arthritis gel or chewing on centipedes.

Cousin Minnehaha takes offense that poor auntie is now locked down in Memory Care, which she thinks is a terrible place full of ogres and torturers, when auntie only has "mild dementia" (IMO there is no such thing) and just misplaces her phone now and then.

If you're a caregiver, seriously consider telling would-be critics exactly what dear mom does. They might be more understanding and helpful. We caregivers are prone to suffering in silence way too much.

(1)

You’re doing your best. Tell people less

Helpful Answer (8)

Your mother recently tried to push you down the stairs . You are doing the right thing . Your mother now needs a village to take care of her . You are only one person. Had she successfully pushed you to your death , where would she be ??She would end up in a facility , that’s where .
Place Mom so you are both safe and you can be a less stressed advocate , and daughter to visit .
Don’t tell the neighbors your family business. They have no understanding of what it’s like .
No guilt . You did not cause your mother’s illness.

Helpful Answer (7)

I know. I say bring the neighbors over to commiserate with Mom and put them between her and the stairs!

(4)

You didn't cause her to get old.
You have done your best.
She will be safe & professionals will handle her.
(your neighbors can shove it)
ALMOST THERE.....STAY STRONG!

Helpful Answer (7)

Tell the neighbors they're welcome to take her to live with them. That should shut them up.

Helpful Answer (7)

Oh, I doubt it SP. They will just come back with "Well it isn't OUR mother or we WOULD". You know the type, right? There's no getting away from it. Best to pat their silly hands sweetly and say "I know dear. This is so distressing for you. But you will recover". And move on.

(4)

I think It is very Hard for a adult child to admit their Parent is sick and You have to make the decisions for them . No One expected this turn of events . I think Its funny we allow people to have a Voice In Our decision Making Process as we are the Only Ones doing the work and Usually alone . My Sister went around telling People " I Placed My Mom In a sh*tty Nursing Home. " It was a Great NH . Did My sister spend One day helping with My Mother " No " she was too Busy . I Took Care of My brother for a year and a half she had the nerve to say " I did a terrible job . " Did she spend One day with Him while he was sick ? No . So These people are not On Your Journey and your doing the best you Can . I think you know you are at your Wits end . Burn Out is tough to recover from . It is a sad situation . No way around it . You will get your strength back and Pat yourself On the Back for the courage you have maintained to stay present .

Helpful Answer (7)

Thank you.

(3)

No, of course they don't see it, Roger. They aren't there.
You didn't cause your mom's dementia, and you can't fix it.
And you really can't expect others to have even the slightest idea of her condition.
And it isn't their business no matter how "nosy" they want to be.

Simply smile, tell them "You really aren't living with this, so I understand you mean well, but really, this is not your business to judge. I am so thankful you love and care for her, and I hope that means you will visit her and love on her with lots of frequency."

You can't make everyone happy. You need now to make you mom safe and make yourself and your life whole again. I know you have a pretty good "take", a "good read" if you will on human psychology overall. You understand that people WILL do this. It's easier to be mad at you than sad about her. You cannot possibly explain every little thing to every little person.

You are heading into grief here, but not guilt. Guilt infers cause and a refusal to fix things that are fixable. This isn't, and will only get worse.

You are very engaged on this site. I know you have read lots already on this old "guilt dilemma" and on how people judge others. We recently had an OP who was in 80s trying long as she could to care for hubby, whose own KIDS were judging her. Luckily you have the marvelous support of your DD.

Helpful Answer (6)

Thanks "nosy" lol.

(2)

Yes.

Helpful Answer (5)

If you are placing her because she will get care 24/7
If you are placing her because her care is more than you can manage SAFELY.
If you are placing her because you want the best for her.
Then you are doing the right thing.

I always said when I was caring for my Husband that I was "ruled" by 2 major organs. My HEART and my HEAD.
There were some decisions that I had to rely on my HEAD to make and hope that my HEART would understand.
Those are the tough decisions.

If you are doing the best you can that is all anyone can ask of you...including yourself.
Tell your neighbors to go pound sand!

Helpful Answer (4)