My parents have never had a good marriage. My dad has dementia. Now they are both indignant with each other. What avenue do I go to get help?

Beware: Mission Creep Warning!

I've seen how that works.. lend a hand, get your arm ripped off (& no thanks for it either).

So I decided to set some boundaries about what I can / will do.

Help during times of illness, injury, help locating more help - Yes.

Prop up unsustainable living situations - No.

I am considering making 'no overnight' care part of my deal, going forward.

Jules, I hope you can use some of the replies to start formulating your own set of ideas about what you can / will do, going forward.

Jules,

I realize that you are trying to help your parents. Your good intentions have landed you in the middle of your parents’ chaos.

This is never a good spot to be in. So, step away and don’t look back.

If your parents have always had a rocky relationship, why would you expect them to act differently now?

You’re not going to be able to get them to understand your point of view.

It’s actually counterproductive to play referee in their relationship. It usually backfires on the person who is trying to be helpful.

Misunderstandings are inevitable, especially when dementia is involved.

Your dad has dementia and doesn’t have the capability of knowing how to navigate his emotions. Your mother wants to be in control of things and isn’t going to let go.

Don’t try to be their marriage counselor. This is why medical professionals don’t treat their own families.

Start focusing on a plan for you to able to accomplish your goals. Don’t hesitate to reach out to appropriate resources for help.

Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.

Sticking yourself in the middle of your parents marriage issues is likely to get YOU in a position you don't want to be in. Their dysfunctional dynamic is theirs.....they created it and that's how they live. You trying to "fix" it is likely to be met with a big fat MYOB!

I tried injecting myself into my parents miserable marriage where mom treated dad like dog crap under her shoe. And guess what? Dad stuck up for HER and made ME the bad guy because mom played The Victim card so beautifully! Both DH and I were flabbergasted, to say the least.

Their dysfunctional dynamic works for THEM, so who are you to question it or try to change it? That's the moral of the ugly story, I found out. If they wanted to get divorced, they'd have done so long ago. #Truth

By all means, go down there at least once to lay eyes on the situation and see what you can do, if anything. If you can accomplish nothing, go back home, scrap the idea of "2 weeks a month for 6 months" and live YOUR life while they live theirs. Let THEM call YOU when they need help.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Two weeks out of each month for 6 months?! That’s too much!

Do you have your own family/home/job? That is a lot of time away. And once you hit 6 months, your parents will want you to keep coming. They will get used to you pitching in and doing for them and will not like it when you say you’re done.

You can’t help them with their crappy marriage or their nastiness to each other. If you felt ‘caught in the middle’ as a kid, you will feel it again now.

As others have said, the situation is likely a lot worse than they’re letting on.

They have always been this way, right?
So what is new?
What is new is that you are feeling responsible for their happiness and for making it all alright.
Sorry, that wasn't ever possible for them, and it certainly isn't in the end of life story.

It is difficult to move from darling daughter or darling son to being a "caregiver", but that's what's required of you. Caregivers set limits, lay down the law, protect the assets, manage or set up management, and they are NOT MUCH LIKED. So you will have to get used to that or you will have not to undertake this.

I sure do wish you the best, but this isn't about happiness, you didn't create it, you can't fix it, and you are doing the best you can. When they are at their worst you may wish to ask them if they would as soon you simply WALK AWAY. And if they WOULD, then you may wish to consider that option for your own sake and your own life.

I have never understood these marriages where the couple can't stand each other, and yet stay married for 40 years.

The patterns and behaviors in your parents marriage were long established before dementia, and they both chose to stay in the relationship. Please accept that nothing you do will change either of them. Dad has lost the ability to reason and mom is apparently just too stubborn or mean to be an effective partner or caregiver for him. Dad isn’t ever going to believe he needs help, this is the time when good decisions have to made for him. If you visit and see that mom isn’t capable of being a caregiver, if she’s burned out or cruel, then it’s time to act and move dad to where he will be safe and have professional care. I hope they have proper legal documents in place, such as POA’s for healthcare and financial decisions as well as advanced directives to spell out their wishes, and a will. Talk with mom about this if you don’t know, and consider if it’s time for you to take over their finances. Dad deserves to live in peace, even if he doesn’t know it. I wish you well in figuring out this mess

Not sure there's a clean answer when dementia is involved.

Can you stop them from constantly sniping at each other? Yes, they can live separately. So one answer would be to transition them to AL but not in a shared apartment.

The next challenge is: would they go voluntarily?

Do they have a PoA?

If so, is that authority active per the PoA specifics?

Can they afford to pay for AL separately?

Another alternative would be for them to privately hire (and pay for) a companion aid or 2. I hired 1 fantastic companion aid through an agency for my 2 Aunts who were living together. She kept them entertained and distracted from being in each other's hair.

But if your parents don't want "a stranger" in their home, and don't/can't move to AL, then the only solution is for you to not insert yourself and allow social workers to come in and help manage/steer their care, if possible.

Your profile says they are in IL and you are out of state with your own business and a single parent. You also say your Mom is extremely defiant (stubborn) which actually is an early symptom of dementia. Solutions will be dependent upon whether you are PoA for your parents or not. There will be different stragegies.

Your profile says that Dad lives in independent living . Do both parents live in an independent living facility ? Or is that an error and they are in their own home ? I’m confused .

Why people choose to stay in an unhappy marriage is beyond me. And now your parents are "stuck" with each other when they'd rather not be. So very sad.
That being said, unless your parents are willing to make you their DPOA and medical POA, there really isn't much you can legally do except try and convince them as to what needs to be done. But with both of their piss-poor attitudes, you certainly will have an uphill battle.
Are you really sure that you want to get in the middle of this mess?
There are no easy answers here. I guess just be glad that you live in a different state than they do, and if push comes to shove, you can always call APS and report vulnerable adults living on their own, and let them take it from there.
Oh...and be prepared when you do first visit as I'm guessing that things will be far worse than you even imagined.

My first thought is: you cannot reason with people who are unreasonable.

So if you cannot make plans based on reason WITH with them, you may be forced to make plans based on reason FOR them.

(Kind of like working backstage)