My brother has been living with our parents for several years to help them, while I lived 1 hour away. Our Dad had dementia for 7 years and just passed away. Our mom is 94 and bedridden, nearly deaf and nearly blind.
They have had 24/7 paid caregiving at home for 5 years, so my brother would be able to move out if he wanted to, but has felt he was still needed there. He is terribly depressed. I’ve tried hard to encourage him to move out and take care of himself but he refuses. I moved closer by to help out 2 years ago, once my son left for college. I stop by 2-3 times per week to visit, pay the bills, order supplies, and am helping out with our dad’s estate. It has been such a long haul. I always try to chat with my brother and we often have a good laugh over the insanity of the latest unimaginable event, but I am so worried about him. He refuses to take anti-depressants (I am on Prozac myself and it’s been a Godsend). He refuses to get a hearing aid himself which would allow him to be more social. I am at a loss, and way more worried about him than our mom.
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First I want to say, what a breath of fresh air, to have such a caring good sister, many end up doing it alone, and complain about are siblings not doing enough (myself included)
You are right to be concerned, I'm sure just helping out the way you are is stressful.
It might be time to consider other alternatives.
Burnout is serious, I was so burned out, not caring about myself at all, I fell caring something way to have and ruptured a disk, and found this forum laying in bed, knowing I needed a change.
Caregiving long term can actually cause a type of PTSD, it changes the brain chemistry.
I feel your brother absolutely needs therapy, and I'm sure anti depressant would very much help.
You are a wonderful caring sister, take care of yourself too.
You will get good suggestions here.
I'm fairly new here, so I'm going to wait and read what others say. Best of luck to you
He is likely depressed somewhat in the fact that this has long been his mission and he sees it coming now to an end. Which is the case.
Be there. Listen. Whomever is the executor help the other. Just be there and listen. When you become so enmeshed, so much "living" the caregiving, there is little else to your life.
It is a very difficult adjustment when it is over.
Just listen. You can make suggestions, as you tell us, about what has worked for YOU. But don't follow up, don't "bug him". Just be there, a calm presence in what is the end of all of this soon enough.
I am so very sorry. I had a friend who was so engaged I thought she could not come out of it. Then she discovered GAMBLING. I kid you not! She lived very happily until she herself passed.
Good luck.
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Holding your own boundaries not only helps you, but all of them.
Your brother has for some reason enmeshed his life into his parents. He is standing still in the deep bog of caregiving. You keep throwing ropes to help him.. he ignores. I am sorry. I think that IS all you can do. Keep suggesting he lighten his load.
HE is the one that must take action. Must move himself to the edge, grab your rope or find his own steps, get up & out.
A present he is choosing not to.
A wise therapist said to me once.
Stuck or stable?
We discussed these words & concepts... At least stable was not falling down further or going backwards! Maybe your brother needs to keep stable for now?
Something will happen that will FORCE change. And you will be there to help gather a TEAM to help.
So we even learn from new posters, thanks for that.
Let us know how things are going please, you are a wonderful caring sister, and daughter
Can you get him to go out to do things with you, leaving mom with the caregivers? He could use a nice walk. A meal out. Shopping. Anything to help shake him out of his rut. Though, it is his problem, not yours, so it should not become your hobby either.
Good luck.
He is die hard vegan so will not risk eating out, and also quite a germophobe so doesn’t like to expose himself to potential threats (covid did not help that). He is very hard of hearing and instead of getting a hearing aid, he avoids social situations. I invite him over often and he promises to come over some time but “can’t right now, too much work, too tired, making dinner, etc”. I’ve begged him to take a vacation but he doesn’t like to travel, says it’s too much trouble to take off from work and pack, and he’s sure everything will go wrong if he tries. My husband wants to kidnap him and whisk him away to somewhere, anywhere, out of that house!
You can only offer your help to give your brother respite. He has to put aside his fears and be willing to accept it.
Your brother has heard you, so now let it go and stop trying to get him to take anti-depressants, move out, get a hearing aid, be more social etc.
All of that is only making things harder for him.
Continue helping your brother - that's priceless.
Maybe you already do these things, but offering encouragement.....Words of support and affirmation. Can you take over a meal or a treat? Change the linens?
Just offer a supportive ear if he wants to talk. Laugh with him. Tell him that he's doing a fantastic job - it's a labor of love. That will go a long way in lifting his spirits and helping him feel appreciated and heard.
Peace.
I have a friend whose MIL had dementia and her mentally ill son lived with her for at least 10 years, and worked either part time or not at all. It was a codependent situation. When MIL died, son actually pulled himself together! Got on meds, got a job and an apartment. It can happen.
Best wishes to you and your brother.
Your brother reminds me of a friend of mine who took care of her younger sister with Downs Syndrome.
My friend has always been a type A perfectionist. We have always been great friends but we are extremely different in certain areas.
She plans ahead. I like planning too, but I think it’s fun to do certain things at the last minute. She would never fly by the seat of her pants, ever!
Everything has to be ‘just so’ with my friend. She wasn’t happy unless she had straight A’s in school.
I am talking about from kindergarten all the way through law school. I wanted good grades too but I didn’t have quite as much anxiety as she had.
She always helped to care for her younger sister since she was young. They had a very large, Italian Catholic family. She was the oldest child. Definitely a leader!
When her parents died, she moved her sister into her home. She hired help so she could continue working. She refused to look into group homes for her sister.
When her sister hit her 50’s she developed dementia. She stopped walking. She didn’t eat as well as before and my friend had to hire even more help, plus she had hospice on board.
Eventually, my friend stopped working, went through most of her savings because she couldn’t bear to be away from her sister.
After her sister died she slowly started living again. She went back to work.
She grieved horribly. She did see a therapist before and after her sister died. She took meds for anxiety and depression. She’s improving. Her personality is still a type A perfectionist!
I have learned what to do and not do as her friend.
I never help load her dishwasher after we have get togethers in her home! She has to have every single dish a certain way and I am not that particular about how I load the dishwasher!
She loves my husband because he is like her in certain ways. Everything is done just so, no exceptions! 😝
You are a wonderful sister! I am sure that he appreciates your kindness and support.
Your brother sounds like my friend. He’s going to find his own way. He’s not going to follow anyone else’s lead or path.
Wishing your family all the best.
Losing a parent, and soon both parents is hard. It's hard emotionally, and as you are learning, having to manage their bills and their estate. It's ok for him to feel down at this time.
It sounds like you have decided what your brother needs. He may see it differently. I have always had very pushy family members who like to tell me what I need to do. The result is, I don't like spending time around them. Their "advice" is not helpful.
Your brother has lived with his parents for years. If he was to move out, where would he go? Does he have another home somewhere? He may have become comfortable living where he is. Especially if mom & dad had 24/7 caregivers, so brother has not had to stay as their caregiver. He may enjoy being close with mom, and previously with his dad, and is comfortable there. Maybe he just doesn't know where he would go and doesn't relish the thought of living alone.
I'm glad you found help from medication, but it's not for everyone. And as an introvert, I bristle at others who insist I engage more socially.
What I'm trying to say is, you have offered support to your brother, and if he's not taking your suggestions, let him be. You've done your part. Just continue to be there for him. I'm glad you have each other and have a good relationship.