Admitting parent to long term facility as adult children appear to be burned out?

What we WANT and what we NEED are two different things.

This happens in early life and late in life.

Our toddlers WANT to run out in traffic. They NEED to be kept safe.

Our elders WANT to live at home, forever, but if their families are suffering and about to crack from giving care, they NEED to have other arrangements made.

WANT and NEED. Two different things.

Wow, I could have written this question!

My MIL was able to stay in her own home until a week before she passed simply b/c she DEMANDED IT and my SIL was in charge and she pretty much expected that the older brothers (one is my DH) come and help her give mom what she wanted.

Supposedly, she was 4-6 weeks from death and placed in Hospice, but it took her over a year to finally pass. Horrible, horrible year. My DH retired from a job he loved to take 1/3-1/2 of the care schedule. His OB (not in good shape himself!!) did what he could. They were doing FT care, sometimes, just 8 hrs, sometimes 2 days in a row--whatever schedule YS set up, they just followed. The Hospice company they used were worthless and MIL routinely fired any extra CG's that they'd employ.

YS was completely burned out from the CG. She had a broken foot that needed surgery and she couldn't take the time off to deal with it. OB's wife was dxed with FTD and began a quick downhill slide. DH had never been close to his mother and 'babysitting' her was brutal on him.

FINALLY-after almost than a year of this crazy way of living, OB simply told the other two sibs that this was enough and mom was going into a NH. He wasn't POA, my DH was, but he couldn't bring himself to place his mom.

Long story short--OB pushed hard and within 2 weeks of making the decision to place MIL, they had found a lovely ALF.

The day they moved her in to the ALF, OB said "we should have done this years ago".

By the time MIL was moved, she was completely out of it. She was actually in the process of being moved to either the MC unit or a psych lockdown facility as she had grown combative and physical. She lived 8 days in the ALF and died on the 8th day.

The 'kids' are still exhausted and trying to find some balance in their lives--4 months later.

The toll this took on 3 marriages and families will take some time to heal. My DH hated every second of the time he had to spend with his mother. He had hoped for some kind of cathartic deathbed scene and it didn't happen. He is still 'grieving' that, and probably will for a long time.

His mother was abusive to the 2 'boys' their entire lives and was to the bitter end.

Hands on CG for so long took both boys to their knees, mentally and physically.

I find that people generally wait too long to find care for their LO's. We think we can do it all--and some people really can and being home is great for them.

People like my MIL? I agreed with OB. She should have been placed years before she actually was.

Very common situation . One adult child who is dealing with the day to day issues of caring for a parent gets burned out . Meanwhile the other children who are not dealing with the day to day want to honor parent wishes.

The “ welfare “ of the adult children matter.
What is “ ideal” for the parent is that she receive care without it killing her children. But the parent will not see it that way. She will think staying in her home is ideal. Staying in the home is not always ideal , it’s a wish .

When an adult child lives with a parent it often ends up worse than they thought it would be . Meanwhile siblings may resent that the caregiver wants to end the plan of keeping Mom at home.

The parent will whine and cry and pit her children against one another in a desperate attempt to get her way to stay home , and may continue to do the same after placed. In a nutshell these situations can destroy sibling relationships no matter which direction they choose .

The bottom line is , when a parent is no longer independent they think they can demand their adult children to do things their way . This is where the trouble starts.

This mother needs to be placed for the health of her children .
How it ends up effecting the siblings relationships ???? It can make it better or not make it better. It just depends on the siblings realizing that the mother should not dictate her children’s lives .

Is there a back up POA who can sign papers ? The current POA could give it up .
I do hope all the siblings can come to realize that if no one is in the position to take this on , that Mom gets placed and that it is no one’s fault . None of the siblings made this woman ill and need care. No one can be forced to take this on . This is why facilities exist.

It would be best if all siblings encouraged the current POA to place Mom and be relieved of living with Mom and that all siblings realize that their health and welfare matter. The current situation is not working and Mom needs to be placed.

I did 95% of the work and kept my parents home until it was too much to handle . I did get push back from siblings regarding placement . No one should promise to keep a parent home indefinitely . My mother pitted her children against one another her whole life. That is just who she was. For the most part we have gone our seperate ways now that parents are gone.

Even if the parent is competent to make their own decisions, their care cannot burn out their caregiver. The caregiving solution mostly has to work for the caregiver, otherwise burnout is guaranteed.

FYI there is no "ideal" that works for both caregiver and receiver, there is only "least bad" option.

The health and well being of the caregiver has priority since if the caregiver gets sick or burns out, the parent won't have that caregiver anymore anyway.

When a parent is too ill to care for him/herself their personal wishes are immaterial unless they are competent to make their own decisions, hire and manage their own care in their own home.

When the parent is incompetent and unable to care for him/herself then the POA or legal proxy makes the decisions on placement. This is not about the happiness of a parent. This is about what is best for all involved. Aging care is not a happy time. There are no fix-its in this.

"Did one have to choose looking after their adult siblings over the wishes of the parent who has stated for the longest time she wants to stay in her home?"

YES you are going to have to choose. Run your elderly adult siblings into the ground giving mom what she wants OR placing mom in a care facility.

Um, every single person on this forum has had this experience. That's why we're here.

Get the parents into AL and get your lives back.

I wanted to add, that in my case anyways, my mom plays us against each other to keep us apart, so as not to share information.

Mom hurt her back in January, insist it wasn't a fall. Mom tells my sister not about the back but about a bump on her leg. Me and sister don't talk, thanks to mom setting up ill feelings.

All this I'm able to piece together now that I have a clear head

Of course having the parent in a skilled facility or memory care makes it better for the family. That's why so many people move to them. It also makes it better for the parent because they have a social life, professionals to care for them, and a lot of other perks that family cannot provide.

The nuttiest (and saddest) of all statements is, "We promised mommy that we'd never let her go to a home." That was before you knew how miserable you'd be providing every last smidgen of care for her. Finding good care for a sick parent in a facility is the best thing you can do for the whole family. Leave it to the professionals, and then move on so everyone can be something approaching happy again.

Its no longer what the parent wants but what they need. Caregiving has to work for all those involved. The adult child who has been doing the caring can't be expected to continue if they don't want to. Those having their own challenges can't take on the caring, can't expect the one doing it to continue when there are options. One being Mom can go to Memory care.

She can no longer stay in her home. Once it takes others to make that possible, its time for an AL or MC.