Hi,
My mom has had a caregiver for 13 years since she had a surgery. She came most days for about 3-4 hours a days for years and then moved farther away and was able to come only three days a week. My mom made do with me ordering Door Dash meals on off days. She needs more help and so I hired a geriatric care manager who brought in a new caregiver two more days a week. They charge $39/hour. She has been paying the previous helper $30/hour.
The old caregiver said that she was going to write herself the checks for $40/hour from now on since that's what that other 'fat incompetent girl' is being paid. I don't know how she found out but it's not important. She already was paying herself for hours she doesn't work and had charged items on my mom's Costco card in the past as well.
My mom has been completely dependent on her since I live far away. She really likes how take-charge and outgoing she is and doesn't like other caregivers much usually. Finding new caregivers and training them is more than I can really deal with. We are at this person's mercy. My mom has refused to move closer to me or into assisted living. I told her she has a year and will have to leave her house when she turns 90 (she just turned 89), but this new development with her old caregiver may speed things up. She will now be paying $4000/month for 22 hours/week of care while living on a reverse mortgate. It's not sustainable.
Is this elder abuse? And if so, does it really change anything? We still need this person and I don't have the ability to fire her right away without upending my life. What do people do in these situations?
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Also reevaluate whether your current geriatric care manager is actually helping you or making things harder for you. It sounds like quite possibly you could get better results by also firing the geriatric care manager (has the geriatric care manager been beneficial to you in any way?) and deal directly with a reputable caregiver agency for new in-home caregivers.... and.... probably consider getting a consultation with an elder law attorney regarding the caregiver who has been stealing and how to handle the home sale/reverse mortgage situation.
Sounds like there's a real goat rodeo going on at your mother's house with too many highly paid "professionals" who are not only unhelpful but actually making things worse.
Should be fairly simple to address:
1- find a reputable caregiver agency in your mother's city. Contact them by phone and explain your situation. Get the ball rolling with them.
2- Fire the old caregivers when the replacement caregivers are available to start the job.
3- Fire the geriatric care manager if you think this is an expense that has little value.
4- Elder Law Attorney consultation.
5- Celebrate - yay, you did it! Good job.
It may not be elder abuse on the part of first caregiver, but it certainly is insubordination and should not be tolerated. If you have actual concrete proof of stealing, then a police complaint might be in order, but be careful about slinging such accusations.
Why don't you fire first caregiver and add hours with second caregiver? I know, I know, your mom has refused, refused, and she doesn't like most caregivers so she's going to refuse some more. Here's a secret: Mom doesn't get to run the show! That's right! She qualifies as a Senior Brat. She needs to be reined in and given the straight skinny. 1) You are in charge. 2) If she insists on not liking the caregivers you hire, she can go to assisted living, where she'd be better off with activities, friends, attention, meals and a solid routine. Get her into a nice place, stop the reverse mortgage nonsense, sell her home to pay for her care, and you can stop dealing with the three-ring circus at mom's.
Mom really belongs in a facility, so start looking. No matter what mom says she will or won't do.
"But my mom won't---" She'll have to if you give her no other choice.
I only just got POA two months ago so this is all hitting like a ton of bricks.
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It's pretty much that simple.
You can explain that the care in home will not be sustainable at these rates for very long, and then you can move your mom when they are NOT sustainable. Her being out of the home will result in the reverse mortgage loan coming due. Home will be sold. The proceeds will sustain mom in care so long as she can afford it. Mom will go on Medicaid when she is out of funds.
It seems pretty clear cut to me. The new caregiver IS getting quite an exorbitant rate, and that is where I personally would begin cutting costs. I would find another caregiver who would work at the rate you are paying. In fact ask your long term caregiver to assist you in finding one and tell her you are no more pleased with this high rate than she is. Ask her to find a friend she can work with well and at her rates and it's settled.
Eventually these in home care things atttempted from out of town, to be honest, become impossible.
If the elder finds it hard to self-run their help, family can step in. But the needs & management needs grows.. Mission Creep (you have been living it!)
Good on you for getting a Geri Manager. (Many set themself on fire instead). But do check this is actually an improvement.
If home care is no longer working well, due to whatever (lack of staff, less than optimal staff, high costs, Mom's refusal to allow new staff), well.. Seems your Mother has some decisions to make about how she lives.
Is it time to consider assisted living? Be more social.
Get yourself well again & properly over that awful Covid. Added stress could add to any post virus brain-fog.
$40 an hour?? I'm sorry, but that's highway robbery. And you admit this woman writes her own paychecks? And uses mom's Costco card and, what else? Oh, she sounds delightful in the mix (heavy on the sarcasm there).
This is why you really need to go through an agency. When there are issues, the agency handles them. Bookkeeping is a big deal. The CG's log hours and what they did during their shift. I'm afraid you're being taken advantage of, big time.
If it's simply not possible to stand up to your mom, tell her exactly how many months she has with private CG's before she will not have the choice of choosing her CG's. She'll be in a NH, and maybe not a nice one. I'm not trying to say that you should scare her, but since she's private paying for all this--she should know the gravy train is going to be empty pretty soon.