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Sassygramma Asked June 19, 2024

How to get my 82 year old mom to change her clothes at her facility?

My mom Karen is extremely strong willed, and she has dementia (short term) of some kind. She lives in an apartment by herself in a Senior Care Facility and is already receiving 3 meals per day and daily well checks, with her medication administered. All this is expensive. She wont change her clothes in the Winter (wears the same pants & shirt for up to 3 weeks). Early on, we tried putting tags for "DAYs of the Week" on her hangars. She has limited clothing to make it easier. She threw those out! She is also combative towards nurses when she had her husband living there. He is in hospice now.
Summer is here and now she wears the same tennis outfit from last year everyday. She is very stubborn and denies anything is wrong by saying, "I washed my clothes today and I take care of it, I know what I'm doing! Im not an imbecile!" Should we now add more "hygiene care"? She might take a swing at them too! Memory care is on the horizon, but she is very "freedom oriented" and wants her own way! My brother & I just try to keep things from changing too much until her 97 yr old husband passes away.

funkygrandma59 Jun 19, 2024
It definitely sounds like your mom is now requiring much more care than she's currently receiving.
Time to move her to memory care where they will bathe her, and change her clothes daily.
Your moms brain is permanently broken, and she doesn't know what she is doing, so you now have to step up and make sure that she's receiving the care she requires. Getting 3 meals a day, plus daily well checks along with medication being administered is no longer cutting it.
Your mom needs much more care than that now.
Memory care is no longer "on the horizon," it is literally at your/her front door, so you best let it in ASAP.

Tandemfun4us Jun 25, 2024
My mom didn’t change her clothes and finally got to the point she didn’t get out of them at all—she sleeps in them. A few reasons. it was hard to change them-so I got her cool looking pull on palazzo pants which she wears with a 3/4 pull over and a vest. I think she didn’t like the cold in the shower and she was comfortable. Now: She gets showers from a private caregiver who heats the shower up, gives her 2 sets of clothes to choose from and does a spa treatment! Lotions, hair, nails painted. I don’t mind her wearing the clothes to bed and it has helped me if I need to get her out for an appointment. I also cut all of the sizes out of the clothes since i buy her larger vests to make it easier to get one. She wears Clarks slip ons and is always put together. I suggest a private caregiver who gets to know her and is consistent. Mom’s person takes the time to sit with her, chat, brings her a cup of coffee (mom loves a little coffee) and then goes to the closet to pull out 2 sets of clothes. I have that closet loaded. I took all of the items that don’t fit her or she didn’t wear and filled it with her black palazzo pants (6 pairs) from Amazon about 20.00 a pair, large vests I got from goodwill and 3/4 sleeve from goodwill or Lands End. Her shoes are from Amazon. I tell her how pretty she looks when I call or drop in and her relationship with her private shower lady is perfect.

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JoAnn29 Jun 19, 2024
Your Mom should not be living on her own anymore. Its time for Memory care. If she cannot afford it, Long-term care in a nice facility with Medicaid paying. That way, her clothes will be changed everyday.

waytomisery Jun 21, 2024
Mom needs memory care now.
It’s not about Mom getting her way.
It’s about what she needs .

It’s not fair to staff or other residents for your mother to reside where her needs are more than they can take care of, and the potential disruptions she may cause .

Daughterof1930 Jun 21, 2024
Memory care on the horizon is closer than you may want and I’d consider if a medication to calm her aggression is needed

Geaton777 Jun 19, 2024
Here's a helpful article from the Care Topics of this website:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/bathing-hygiene-top-tips-persuading-a-senior-to-put-on-clean-clothes-431725.htm

If your Mom gets agitated enough to take swings at the staff, and if she's already on meds then it should be reviewed by her primary care physician. It's not uncommon for meds to need to be adjusted as one's dementia progresses.

If she's not currenty on meds to help regulate her mood and anxiety, then this should be considered. If she gets physical with the staff, she risks being kicked out of the facility. Some facilities have more tolerance for aggression than others. You can always consult with the admins to see if they have recommendations.

Does the facility have quarterly care conferences? My MIL is in a facility where we have a family meeting with the staff to review how things are going every 3 months. The nurses and dietician check in, as well as the director of activities, etc. This can be achieved with a phone call. My MIL participates in the meetings.

Another option, if finances allow, is to hire an aid to go there every few days to remove her dirty clothes for laundering so she can't put them back on (or is she sleeping in them?). Maybe the facility staff can do this for an "a la carte" fee?

Sometimes family has to "get creative" when problem solving issues for our LOs in facility care. Since you and your brother know your Mom best, you probably know what might motivate her to change her clothes -- like telling her a "therapeutic fib" such as: "you're going to have a special visitor later on so maybe let's see what else is in your closet" etc.

If your Mom likes her freedom and is physically active she may wander off. This is what often triggers a move to MC, for their own safety.

Onlychild2024 Jun 25, 2024
Try not allowing your mom to dictate. Someone should be bathing and changing at her facility. My mom goes through tons of clothes due to her incontinence. I can't imagine the aides not changing her clothes. Please inquire with the director and discuss your mom's needs with them.

Llamalover47 Jun 25, 2024
Sassygramma: Your mother requires residence in a memory care facility now. She also needs medication as she's taking swings at the staff. Good grief!

Geaton777 Jun 19, 2024
I'm also going to ask admins to move this to the Questions section.

MiaMoor Jun 26, 2024
After Mum's stroke, the first carers called in were to get Mum washed and dressed. Without them coming to do that specific task, Mum wouldn't wash or dress. It would also be near impossible to get her out of bed.
I think that the personal hygiene call is a necessity.

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