For three yrs. I've “lurked” on this site, reading posts that solved my misery as an only-child caregiver of two nearly 90 yr. old parents.

my father has parkinson’s w/LB dementia & REM sleep disorder, macrocytic anemia, severe osteoarthritis, etc, etc.
my mother has CVD (history of heart attacks, calcified aorta, prolapsed valve, persistent afib, persistent PE, etc.), COPD, severe osteoporosis, MGUS, mixed dementia, etc, etc.
both have long-covid.
i started PT caregiving in 2014. i started FT caregiving in 2021, & am soon marking the third year (1,095 days).
in this time, my parents have had 24 ER runs, 13 hospitalizations, 10 rehab stays, & dozens of urgent care visits, plus at least a dozen in-home rehab rotations, & at least a dozen at-home rounds of antibiotics. they have dozens of doctors between them, all who require in-office visits to “comply” w state script renewals & insurance demands (what this means, idk).
my parents income falls just outside the financial range (a few hundred dollars) to qualify for medicaid, but isn't enough to cover in-home help. we’re “lost in a gap.” i didn’t know this was possible before choosing to spend down their savings in an attempt to qualify them for medicaid, so i could place them in a facility. as a consequence, they’re now out of money, & i'm their default eldercare plan.
in addition to the repercussions of spending down their money, not qualifying for medicaid, & still being alive w intensely expensive medical needs, we live in a filial law state. so, i'm now also financially responsible for them.
adding insult to injury--making this situation more gross--from childhood, my mother drilled it into me that my sole life purpose was to be their caregiver when they were old. i've given up everything to “obey” this irrational demand & their selfish expectations, which is to be together at home, despite it truly being too much for me to handle.
no one asked if i could do this or if i would. i am an unwilling, resentful slave.
i don’t have the energy anymore to beg for deserved & due services from my parents unsympathetic doctors or their reprobate medicare advantage plans (garbage plans they were conned into buying before i came on the scene). i’m versed in america’s penchant for institutionalized "benign neglect", which comes in the form of “delay, deny, wait until they die” business practices, from both the medical field & health insurance companies.
daily i wish they would die. just die in their sleep, so i can be free. chances are they’ll live forever.
i’ve given up or lost everything: my mental health; my physical health; my emotional stability; my financial security; my social outlets. i’ve become a lonely, angry & bitter old woman. i don’t recognize myself anymore, & my life before this… seems like a fantastical fiction story.
i’m well aware that +40% of dementia caregivers die before the people for whom they give care. that’s a stat for one-on-one care. having two parents w dementia (& myriad complex healthcare issues), i anticipate them outliving me, & frankly… i don’t care. whether they die or i die, i don’t care… just so long as this ends.
my own PCP recently dx me w stress-related cardiomyopathy & stress-related kidney injury. my BP is uncontrollable, even w meds, & my weight has skyrocketed since starting eldercare FT. my adrenal glands are shot. so, i’m on my way to becoming one w that +40% caregiver death stat.
i will never recover from this. what they’ve done to me, what the state’s done to me by codifying “filal law.” i'll never recover & don’t really suppose anyone truly cares but me.
i’m sick of words like: anhedonia, alexithyma, anosognosia, confabulation, capgras, cricketing, diogenes, dyschronometria, encephalopathy, 
facitious disorder, garrulity, hypomimia, othello syndrome, punding, serotonin syndrome, sleep drunk/confusional arousal, showtiming, sundowning, etc, & the extra demands they bring.
while lurking in past, this site offered some answers & some comfort. idk how i’ll survive another year of eldercare, but thought it might help to finally formally join.
thanks for reading.