An aging mother who still wants to maintain control over her disabled son. Any thoughts?

Your Mother has insurance that enables her to get counseling and or therapy. Be sure to go with her without exception. The therapist understands for you to be present. A life time parenting him just does not leave her mind. Do you have "Alta Regional" services available? They have "activity" that gets him out of the house. You and your Mom have parenting going on the same time and He will listen to His Mom first. When the therapist says O.K. he can in clued Him...cause his mind is working good.

You already know the answer...mom and brother both need to move out and placed in facilities that can tend to their needs. This will not improve.

He is her son and he has been helpless and in need of his mother his entire life. She is not going to be able to turn that off no matter how much pain she is in or how demented she becomes... she will try to take care of him no matter how off the mark she is....

Not sure why the decision was made to move them in with you, but whatever it was is not mentioned in your posting. Help them find the right facilities for their individual needs. That is the kindest thing you can do.

DInk222: Imho, perhaps it is time for facility living for your mother. SHE is not the deciding factor as it relates to her disabled son.

You have answered your own question - this woman is pure hell for you and for everyone involved and it will only get worse and your brother too will suffer. I don't know if you have contacted an eldercare attorney and who has legal authority for decisions, etc. but you need professional advice. First of all, I would not ever tolerate this control and this behavior and I assume you have tried to stop her. If you can't stop her, and I dont think you can, why on earth do you not place her somewhere. There is Medicaid and money available - happens to lots of people. Also, it is possible this might be a good thing for your brother too. But that is another issue. This woman needs to be GONE AT ONCE.

Time for assisted living for both of them. It will not get better.

Hello--Great advice here as always.

Since her memory may be affected, are there any opportunities to further remove visual cues or reminders about things regarding your brother's care?
I've learned the hard way that if you do a holiday with someone who's impaired you do it for yourself. We all try to meet some ideal of how we think a holiday should be, but do go into the holiday (or your day) with the assumption that dementia-driven behaviors will derail plans, and there's nothing you can do but roll with it.
This was so helpful to me in understanding why I was seeing the changes in my mom, and changed how I interacted with her to create a less stressful environment.
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
It is so very hard to be a caregiver to a mom because the dementia usually causes the mom to be oblivious to her changes (anosognosia), and flips the mother-daughter dynamic on its head. My mom moving into a dementia focused AL let us go back to a mother/daughter relationship. I had become resentful and angry of her needs and changes, even though I took pains to understand the dementia and knew she couldn't help it...I don't know that, if we hadn't done the move (which she wanted), I would have been able to hang on to as many of my 'good' memories of her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cetf0Q566Hc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQTlQc5akEU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22ZNZvN9UyY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br5M3s7H7l4
https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/

You have a lot on your plate. All the best to you and your family! Consider putting both your mother and brother into an assisted living facility. Your responsibility to them is to make sure that they are getting the care that they need. You do not have to be the one to do it. A good senior residence will have trained staff who know how to care for people as they age and with disabilities. Try not to let her get into your heads and destroy your happiness. If she wants to stay in her room, that's OK. You could even bring her meal to her room. Check in on her from time to time. The mood will pass. People with dementia have good days and bad days. There were days when I'd visit my mother who lives in a memory care facility and she wouldn't recognize me and told me to go away. I'd leave her room for about 15 minutes and then go back and she would be fine. Mood swings and even anxiety are not uncommon with dementia.

Just a suggestion, find a place for Mom. Her Dementia will only worsen. You have enough caring for a 70 yr old brother.

I have a 32 yr old nephew who suffers from physical problems, one is cerebral palsy on one side. He also has a neurological problem.
Does you brother have any mental challenges. Is he capable of making competent decisions.

I ask because of your age. I know at 72 I will not be caring for my nephew. Right now he can live on his own. I have found resources to help him. He gets help from the state for his rent. The State provides him with a person who comes every Wed for 3 hrs to help with things he needs done. Dr. Appts, shopping, just walking in the park. There will come a time when he can no longer do for himself, at that time I will need to let the State take over his care. I am his POA, but not his guardian. At my age, I don't want that responsibility.

Your Mom has a Dementia. You need to learn to go with the flow. Your brother is her constant. The person she cared for 24/7. You cannot expect her to give up controll.

Christmas, it was probably overwhelming for her. She felt more secure in her room. You should have just gone along with your plans and enjoyed the day. What would you have done if she was a child acting this way? Probably ignored them saying "if thats the way u want to be". The child is ruining Christmas for themselves not you. Dementia has no rhyme or reason. Its very unpredictable, which is something I had a hard time with. I like order.

Have your mother evaluated for dementia. Ask her primary to refer you to a neuropsychologist. Once the actual medical diagnosis is done, the. You start getting your ducks in a row. Does she have POA over your brother? If she has a diagnosis of dementia, then that will need to be changed.

I agree with other on here, after you’ve spent 70 yrs caring for someone who is completely dependent on you, it’s hard to give that control up. But if she has dementia, she will have to. At 92, she has powered thru a lot to keep your brother up as best as she could. She has had a full life, and dementia will be making her world smaller. She needs care, your brother needs care, you and your husband need care (in the way of counseling or support groups). It’s so good you have extra help now.

If your mother went into a facility, would you still have a caregiver and take care of your brother in your home, or would he need placement as well? You have to decide what exactly you want. And that needs to be what’s best for you and your husband. You two are still capable of living life. Your mother is losing that….sounds like your brother never had that. I’m not trying to be mean, just real.

Get a diagnosis on your mother first. Then speak with your brothers Dr about his options. Perhaps, your mother can go to a facility and you could still care for your brother (w/ the hired caregiver)? Perhaps both mother and brother go into facilities. Get with their Drs first.

Take one step at a time. Explain to both Drs that your mother is a hazard to herself and therefore to your brother. Your brother is 70 and serves the same good care as your mom…he doesn’t deserve to be left to the whim of someone not thinking clearly.

And I also agree with the person who said, your mother didn’t “ruin” Christmas…you let her get into your heads (both you and your husband). Once someone shuts themselves in a room, a one time offer of “hey come one out and eat with us” (or whatever) and then forget about any further cajoling. Should’ve let her stay and you guys continue with whatever you wanted. She doesn’t have that much control…you just think she does.

Please talk to your mother's doctor. She definitely needs evaluation and treatment for her memory issues and probably for some mental health issues as well. Her doctor can make referrals to a neurologist for the memory problems (dementia). He/She can also make a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate and treat the mental health and control issues (anxiety and/or depression).

I know you are doing all you can to keep the family together. If treatment from specialists does not help your situation, it may be time for your mom to move to a long term residence. Consider researching nearby assisted living facilities that transitions to memory care.

Hi there,
It sounds like you’ve got a ton of stress on your plate. I’m deeply sorry to hear that there are so many feelings of despair looming in your household right now. I know that my response may not be a perfect answer because it sounds like the tension between you and your mother didn’t start during her elder age years-this is an assumption on my part for sure.
You seemed to acknowledge that dementia causes cognitive changes, but do you fully accept what that actually looks like? When we know our mind and body is failing us, and that our family feels like we and our disabled child are a burden and disruption to our able bodied child, that will without a doubt cause feelings of depression, anxiety, hyper independence, anger, etc. I know the thought of finding more compassion is exhausting, but it is absolutely essential. The only way that she will begin to respond better to you is if you help her trust you and understand that you love her, you love your brother, and you’re doing all of this because you love them and not because you feel obligated. Your brother has clearly been your mother’s every day life task for 70 years(that’s an incredible dedication of time), and she clearly has pushed through a lot of her aging body issues if she’s lived in such severe chronic pain that she may have abused opioids to continue going on with daily life. Your mother is still a human being. She isn’t being ungrateful. She is grieving her own abilities, she’s processing a great deal of fear and she is feeling incredibly unwanted right now especially if your response was to take everything down on Christmas rather than remind her she is loved. She likely excluded herself so that she didn’t bother you. Often times, anger is only an expression of feelings of sadness and loneliness.
I’m personally having to put my own ego aside to make sure my loved one is cared for well, and part of that is meaning that I have to create a relationship of compassion with people who have deeply hurt me in my life. I do this by acknowledging two things: I am just as human as they are-so it’s ok for me to be angry and it’s ok for them to be angry, with or without reason; I am in total control of my response, and I understand that their reaction to me is a reflection of them and my response to them is an awareness of me.
My suggestions are this:
1) get a therapist for yourself
2) develop a daily effort of bonding in some way with your mother so she begins to feel like it is safe to hand over the reigns, and so she doesn’t feel like she is burdening you more.
3) develop 4 living alternative plans. Envision what it might look like and what will need to change in order for them to continue living in your household(include your own means of improvement too-not just theirs), then envision what it would look like to care for your mom and have for brother placed in assisted living, and what it would look like to put mom in assisted living and you care for your brother, and lastly what it would look like for them both to be in assisted living.

Really think these things through, do some soul searching from an objective point of view as much as possible, and each day remember that one day all of this will change. I want to leave you with the question of if something happens to her soon, how will you feel five years from now when you look back on this experience? This isn’t only your mothers creation of a home environment, you and your husband have some work to do. You have control over your response, your level of compassion and patience, as well as your perception of her actions.

I truly hope this will be of benefit, and I truly sympathize with your frustration. I hope your family finds relief soon.

When you have devoted most of your adult life to the wellbeing of one dependent child, the issue of what happens when you're gone is terrifying and painful. Couples in their seventies struggle with this, let alone a lady of ninety whose health is failing her. There is desperation and heartbreak involved.

Your mother has been your brother's mainstay for 70 years, and you don't agree she knows best? Now that she is becoming frail and mentally frail, you're dismissing her, with all of her long experience, as illogical and controlling.

Fortunately it sounds as if your brother's caregiver has a much better working relationship with your mother and your mother trusts her. That is a priceless blessing. Is she there all the time as a live-in, or for how many hours a day/week?

Then there's this: "She completely ruined Christmas this year by staying in her room all day and refused participating in any family activities. My husband and I were so disgruntled we took down all the decorations on Christmas Day since she killed the spirit days before."

I have lived through a similar situation: I think at the time I described my mother as a black hole of negativity, sucking everyone around her into it. So I do sympathise, I do understand and remember the hurt feelings. But responding in kind is just going to amplify the negativity; you'd do far better, especially since mother chose to exclude herself, to carry on regardless and take the opportunity to begin (or continue) the process of transferring your brother's life support system from mother to yourselves.

Is your mother afraid that you and husband will place your brother in residential care?

Does your brother have rights of self-determination, or is her under someone's guardianship?

Is this your home, or mom's?

If your home, these folks need to play by YOUR rules. Otherwise, they need to live elsewhere.

It sounds like are trying to placate mom and let her drive the bus. It doesn’t sound like that works anymore.

What do YOU need to change to effect a change?

You do have a lot on your plate.

I've always found when cooking for many, you can't make them all happy & certainly not serve everyone's favourite, everyday.

Caregiving for many might be similar?

Mothers & children with special I expect have a special bond/sense of responsibility. Maybe not having the step of learning to let go - like you do with rebellious teens & independent young adults.

Somehow I think I would try zone in on what's important for Mother's & Brother's care. Safe housing is no 1. But does everyone need to be all under your roof?

Or maybe you do wish to all stay together but regular breaks away would benefit? Just you & hubby. Is that possible? If not.. maybe that is something to think about? A weekend away, say every 3 months?

I'm afraid I don't know how to suggest your Mom start to let go a bit. That mix of anxiousness, need to oversee, control. It's within her.

But I can see how this behaviour is upsetting you, so it is worth trying to change things. Hopefully others will have more ideas.

Legally who is POA for her brother?
If she is legal POA then legally she can control him. (medial and personal, financial)
If something were to happen to your mom are you able to make decisions for your uncle?
If your mom is diagnosed with dementia what are the plans?
Personally I would begin looking for Assisted living for both of them. They can move in together, she can still care for him but she would have the help of the AL staff. If it got to the point where she needed Memory Care your uncle could remain in AL.
The other option might be Skilled Nursing facility for them, again together but they would have a higher level of care available.

By the way...personal thought here. She did not "ruin" Christmas. You let her attitude effect you and that ruined it. You could have ignored the temper tantrum and continued with your day.

Agree with the above, but also have her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to address her depression and agitation.

She's probably devoted her whole life and Meaning to taking care of the son who has CP and other issues. Coddle her with that by redirecting tasks.

Let's say the son's name is Jimmy. So you say, for example, "Jimmy loves how you fold his clothes, mom. No one can do that like you." Get her situated with some site like CarolWright.com where she can look though all sorts of interesting but cheap gimmicks (and don't give her a credit card). If she finds something that she insists on, it's like "Oh, Mom, what a GOOD idea. Blah blah." Then buy some $28 purchase, pay extra for the gift wrap and sign the card "From Mom."

Simultaneously, tell her there can't be any more annoying Jimmy's caregiver. Tell her if she keeps doing this, the caregiver will quit and there will be no choice but to put Jimmy into a home. She'll figure it out that you mean her too. The only way things stay together for long is if you want it to be long.