My mother is mad that I put her picture on social media. She apparently doesn't remember that she's been on there before. Even though I would have shared all the positive & complimentary comments with her as I did before, she's very upset! I told her I'd take them down & I'm sorry. She yelled continuously & started in on loads of accusations towards me, how she needs to move out of ALF, have her own apartment, dignity, and freedom again.
She's not physically or mentally capable of being on her own.
I think there's more to this than a social media post.
I am sure she is frustrated with the lack of privacy and rightfully so, but it is the reality of the situation and is not going to change.
Just remind her that her health and safety are your top priority and her being in the ALF is the only option. I’m sorry. Hopefully this was just a reaction to a bad day and will not be a constant.
Those who suffer from Dementia usually want to go home. Could be the home they grew up in. I would assume the AL does her meds. As such an anxiety med can be added without her knowing if ur POA. Seems she can no longer make decisions for herself.
Try to let things go. I know it hard but she can get worse before she is better. Just don't argue. You can always walk away. Does she need the phone? Take ur ph # out of it if a cell. If its just to harass u, lose it. The AL will call u when there is an emergency. Otherwise, ask that they don't let her call you. Visit when u feel like it. If u do take her phone, make sure the AL is aware so they don't hunt for it. If ur in charge of her money and its a landline, have it disconnected.
Something like "I am so terribly sorry, Mom, but we can't possibly do that".
Period.
Simply tell Mom that you understand, you are sorry, it won't happen again, but that she doesn't any longer have an option to move home because she can no longer care for herself.
If she continues on her rant, remove yourself calmly and gently and tell her you will return when she feels a little better. Do this often enough and you train her in what behavior she will be allowed in order to keep your company with her.
And yes, there is more than the media post. She likely has some dementia, and her reactions aren't fully in her own control, and certainly not in yours. Just remove yourself until this, like any weather front, blows over.
She's been on this topic all year, so worried about our relationship and our family falling apart.
At this time, I know she'll call some day when her snacks, Avon, Kleenex, etc dwindle. IF she wants them badly enough, she will have to leave list on message and I'll deliver to administration. Otherwise, I will not be "demanded to call her back" so I can be brow beat. She also has another child who can take care of her list. I did not ask to be her POA or to receive her resentment and abuse.
So, I'll remove myself from her presence for the holidays ahead & take care of my mental health. Sounds selfish but it's time.
Thanks again. It means so much.
It's all about The Show, right? And all this stuff only WORSENS with dementia, so once ONE thing pissed her off, why not STAY on a roll and tick off another 5 things she's unhappy about! Nothing is ever right in these women's world, so I would be surprised to hear this is the first such outburst from her. If it is, then you're definitely NOT dealing with NPD, that's for sure. If it's just more of the same, let it all go in one ear and out the other.
If she's just now going down the dementia highway, it's likely going to be a bumpy road because you just never know what to expect, behaviorally. Tell her as little as possible that might elicit a reaction, and keep the conversation to neutral topics. The conversation tends to diminish over time into shorter and shorter phone calls and visits, since she won't be able to keep her train of thought or use long sentences. My mother used to chew my ear off on our nightly talks, leaving me exhausted and irritable with her chronic complaints. Nowadays, with moderate dementia, the phone calls last 5 minutes and she forgets what she was saying mid sentence. She does remember to complain though, that's something she'll never forget how to do!
If she brings up wanting to get out of Assisted Living again, blame the nurse practitioner by saying she needs a cognizance test in order to be released, per the NP. If she takes one, the dementia will be diagnosed and then she CAN'T be released.
Best of luck as you navigate your way around the land mines of old age, dementia, and difficult personalities.
My mom has times when she's spot-on, remembers & answers fluently to those at AL. They are very close-mouthed when I question them about her, saying she's so sweet but will eventually say she has her moments! Often, I feel they think I'm the crazy one and should visit more (but that's just guilt creeping in).
So, I'm afraid she'd pass the cognizance test! Just wish she'd agree to be tested but she'd start that issue of you think I'm crazy!! Yesterday she even said someone told her I'd said her mind is bad. I pressed her on who the liar is and she had no answer, just went on rattling
about how I stuck her over there with all those people. It's a bad situation and my biggest concern is her money runs out in 2 years. What in the world will we do them?!
Thanks so much! God guide us through these difficult times.
Feel free to do the same with your mother.
She's not been diagnosed as she refuses. Nurse practitioner says she probably has dementia (@89) along with a strong narcissistic personality disorder.
Your mother has lived in an ALF for two and a half years, quite happily.
You have previously posted images of her online, received compliments, and shared the feedback with her, and she enjoyed that.
So what's upset her now? Could you go back a bit and describe what happened when she embarked on this rant?
It could be anything, from bullying that she hadn't made you aware of, to new staff members that she hasn't taken to, to a galloping uti that has made her lose the plot temporarily. Maybe there are some clues in what's been going on besides the upset over social media?
I've backed away but still get persecuted. I guess I'll not call her back from this day forward. Usually, she'll leave information on message & I can defuse or get what she needs without calling her back. This time it was just call her back.
Hopefully, she'll quickly forget about this and move onto something else.
You can say you'll look into having her moving back home, just to appease her. BUT, no, in reality, you already know that's not happening. Don't need to argue with her about that. Could claim you'll talk to her doctor. Or make the doc the bad guy "Your doctor says that you are not strong enough to live alone at this time" type of thing.
Please try not to take what she said too personally. Easier said than done, but sound like she just went off the deep end there and unloaded on you for no good reason. Yikes!
So sorry you are dealing with this!
She's concerned her money that I shouldn't spend on AL is going to be gone & they'll boot her out. Says she wants to move to these cheap apartments & rent. Her doctor is a nurse practitioner who comes to the AL when needed. She hates her because she recommended an anxiety pill to help her adjust to AL. She's not cooperating with her nurse practitioner so gets little help from her.
I in all honesty cannot move her to a rundown apartment, buy furniture, etc and set her up for living alone at 89. She thinks she can remember her meds but she cannot. I fear she'll fall & bleed to death (since she takes Eliquis for CHF). Bottomline: she wants her autonomy but cannot take care of herself. She goes so far to stay in her room & ask for very little assistance at AL because she wants the perception to be that she is fine & doesn't need to be there. I'm up against the wall no matter what I do or don't do.
I know money will run out, but I cannot allow her to move out alone. She hates me for everything.