I moved into my Mom's home after she had a near fatal car accident. I took care of my Mom's EVERYTHING for seven years as she got progressively worse with dementia. It was full time for me between caring for person, the house and other matters. I did this completely alone in a semi-rural location. Not near family or in a long standing community. My mom had moved states just before the accident. I didn't intend for it to go on so long but it just happened somehow... My brother and sister had problems in their lives that they could not help (a child with cancer, an alcoholic husband)
Due to my sister's insistence, my mom moved to an Assisted Living Memory Care about five months ago located near my sister in yet another state. Her point was that I'm not going to be able to care for her alone at home as the dementia was getting worse with incontinence, wandering, UTI's and hallucinations. And the socialization would be good her. We were in a rural location so getting to medical care and people to help is difficult where we were. My sister has her in-law family around, a good job, husband (in recovery) and children. I caved and agreed to it.
I was so busy getting through the days before. Now that I have some time with just caring for the house now. I feel scared that I don't have energy to restart my life! It's like I got off a treadmill and feel so exhausted. I think it's burnout rather than depression. I feel like the only do basic things to get through the day. I feel sad about the progression of the disease that I could not fix. I feel so guilty for moving my Mom to Memory Care.
People ask me "So now what are YOU going to do now?!" As if I'm some racehorse that was just waiting to bust out the gate but I feel like an old tired mare.
I can't go back in time to my old life before I moved to help and care for my Mom and the house. I'm not the same person. My old friends don't really understand and have sort of dropped off or I can't relate to their more petty concerns. I don't have the energy and have lost skills to return to the old work I did. I have such heavy emotions too. We still have my Mom to care for even though she is at the facility. I think I will have to move to near my Mom and sister which will AGAIN be a new place I have never lived. I don't feel bright and like anyone would date or hire me. Setting up and living alone in a little apartment sounds so hard to do. I am 52 single woman. And we still have the house to deal with.
Does anyone have advice on how to restart and rebuild their lives in midlife after full-time caregiving at home for years?
That said, I feel like you need to see your primary care doctor now for a possible prescription for anti depressants. You've lost yourself in the midst of caring for mom for so long. You're feeling unwarranted guilt for her having a disease that was not of your making, nor something you could possibly fix. Old age & infirmity is not within anyone's hands to fix but God's. Death is an inevitability for all of us, no matter what steps we take to prevent it. Wishing things could be different, or that we could be Superwoman doesn't change the facts of how things are. You may need a bit of help now that you're alone and trying to process what's known as anticipatory grief. And guilt for sending mom to Memory Care for 24/7 care. Anti depressants helped me a LOT when I was anxiety ridden after suffering a traumatic event in 2000. They cleared up my thinking so that I was able to relax and formulate a plan of action instead of stay mired in fear, sadness & sleeplessness. There is no shame in asking for help.
Once your head clears up a bit and you're able to smile again, think about rebuilding your life, one step at a time. You're still young at 52; certainly young enough to make new friends, date, join a book club, go on a singles cruise, all sorts of things. BUT, when you're depressed and not thinking clearly, it all seems undoable and impossible. You feel too tired and lethargic to do anything at all. That's probably where you're at right now, after being the sole caregiver to mom for so long. Now there's 'nothing' and you feel all alone and isolated.
Here is a link to a book, After Caregiving Ends, A Guide to Beginning Again: Support, Suggestions and Stories to Help You Heal and Step Into Next, by Denise M. Brown, that may be helpful for you to read:
https://www.amazon.com/After-Caregiving-Guide-Beginning-Again/dp/B09M9M888M/ref=asc_df_B09M9M888M/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=564725475526&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3525066860004235113&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9052218&hvtargid=pla-1599454523985&psc=1
Wishing you the best of luck. Sending you a hug & a prayer that all goes well for you, my friend.
Thank you for the support and encouragement.
So the world is waiting for you to join it. Doesn't matter how you get out of the starting gate as long as you get out. You don't have to have a dog to go to the dog park. Admire people's dogs and you will meet all sorts of people who are potential friends and sidekicks. Indulge in a hobby or something you always wanted to explore ........... painting, writing, photography; learn a musical skill ... piano, flute, guitar; learn a new language.... Spanish is pretty easy to learn and practice and could take you places in the future.
The world is waiting for your presence. Get out there and make yourself known!
Good luck and keep us updated
OP you wrote:
“My old friends don't really understand and have sort of dropped off or I can't relate to their more petty concerns.”
i understand you.
that’s part of the reason many of us are in this forum: here we feel understood. we’re going through the same things.
it’s very true: if you haven’t cared for your elderly parent, you really don’t know what it’s like.
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what advice would i give you?
you helped your Mom from 45-52.
7 years. as a woman, very important years.
years to get married, start a family, build your career.
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first of all, you must be very stressed still from all the caring (7 years non-stop).
in addition, it continues! she’s in a facility, and you want to continue helping, maybe even move again for her!
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secondly, please don’t sacrifice your life. you’ve helped ENORMOUSLY. you gave her extremely important years of your life (age 45-52).
please OP,
don’t sacrifice your life.
you’re very kind.
be very kind to you. you cannot, should not, i think, live ONLY for your parent/s.
we can help X amount of time. put a limit somewhere, beyond which you MUST focus on you.
before it was 99% your mother, 1% your needs. tip it the other way.
90% you, 10% your mother’s needs? 99%? whatever % you want. but now it must be balanced in your favor.
i’m telling myself the same thing. i love my parents, but helping them is really now destroying me. i must prioritize myself now. i have tried my absolute best. it’s now time to try my absolute best for myself.
you’re 52 OP. you have dreams/goals. go for it. your mother’s happiness should be = you thriving, blossoming, happy.
before it was:
her happiness/health made you happy.
now:
your maximum happiness/health should make her happy.
hug!!
bundle of joy :)
I felt bad about writing ‘petty concerns’ after I reread what I posted. I was thinking of a time an old friend that talked on about her hair color and I just thought: when will this end? — I want to invest time to maintain the friendships — but I have so much I really need to do! If I could go back in time, I really should have sought out forums like this or a virtual support group with people going through the same thing as me. But at first, I didn’t understand what was happening!! Five years ago, I had a geriatric psychologist get very angry with me saying clearly after testing Mom I had lied to him about her ability. I did try to protect her dignity and didn't want to influence his findings too much. Then when he calmed down, he was like, okay, wait, you are a frog in boiling water. And she shouldn't be driving and wrote a letter to her doctor. I was just responding to whatever the daily thing was like whack-a-mole.
I looked in the state of my residence, where I was born and raised. I was not able to even get an interview. I applied to adjoining states and did get an interview and was hired. I had to be willing to think outside the box. I moved from a major metro area to a small town of 25,000 or so.
I spent a year there, I was not happy, and then was able to move back to my home state and was in my next position for five years. Now I am onto the next, just this year. I am hoping this will be the job i retire from. Each move got me closer to what I had lost before the caregiving.
There are so many jobs out there. You need to find the courage to be willing to go to a market that is not as competitive.
I did it, so can you. And you are ten years younger than I was.I
Contact your Work Force Center, they can provide all sorts of resources to help you. It is NOT a hopeless situation.
First, take the pressure off of yourself to get your life re-established in a certain period of time. Rest. Then take the first small step - it may be doing some cleaning out and purging. It may be just looking at new places to live. It may be talking with a realtor about the house. Just one thing at a time and then step back again and process the options before making a decision.
What brings you joy? Gardening? Painting? Resurrecting old furniture? Do that.
You could add to your education in an area that interests you. There are credentials that you can earn that will help you in a job search. Paralegal? Personal Trainer? At home medical coding? Lots of stuff out there.
Ditch the fear of new things if you can. Don't listen to the naysayers.
((Hugs))
PS: don’t be in a rush to move.
saintseal you may never realize all the good you did, but you sacrificed a lot and it is more than enough. Try to begin trusting others to do the care. Try to meditate and connect with the real you again. Like a seed, it will slowly unfurl, and blossom. Start each day with a grateful thought, take tiny steps, be kind to your wonderful self- you got this!
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